Step 1: Get out of bed
Step 2: Look in the mirror
Step 3: Practice your smile
Step 4: Eyedrops to hide the red eyes
Step 5: Conceal the dark circles
Step 6: Breathe
The curtains are almost up
Step 7: Lock down the pain
Step 8: Ignore the weight on your chest
Step 9: Silence the screams inside of your mind
Step 10: Choke down the sobs
Step 11: Ignore the stinging in your eyes
Step 12: Swallow past the tightness in your throat
You’ve put on this show a million times
Step 13: Don’t let them see
Times up. Curtains up. Camera rolling

You said “would you date me and why?”
Using the anonymous app, I said I would
You are beautiful, kind, and smart
We’ve helped each other
We’ve talked through our separate problems
we’ve become friends
I speak no lies
I said I wouldn’t as well
That I was not in a place to date
Emotionally, and physically
I still need time
And that is true as well
For I speak no lies

There’s a mystery behind these words
“Tomorrow, can we talk?”
Do they wish to tell me secrets
Or do they just want to tell me
Once again
“I got head”
Do they wish to tell me that they’re not happy
Something I’ve known for weeks now
Tomorrow I’ll find out
But the mystery of the words lives on

Can I go back
And do it all again?
Can I go back to the first day of school
And with the knowledge I have now,
Keep my old self
I used to be the “fun *******” of the group
Making jokes about things that aren’t funny
But get laughs because they’re dumb
Now I’m just an *******
I want that time back
Stop myself from making the mistakes I’ve made
It was a fun journey, sure
But I didn’t look at where the road ended up
God...
Jesus...
Buddha...
Kali...
Flying Spaghetti Monster...
Cronus...
Saturn...
The reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard...
One of you
Any of you
All of you
Please give me a chance to go back
And keep myself

Why am I the one my friends come to?
I have no experience with their problems
All I can say is that I’m there for them
Not always what they want to hear
Sometimes I can give them *******
Things viewed only in movies and tv
Yet they come back for more
Again and again
I get a text saying “can I ask you a question?”
I always respond the same
“Shoot”
As in “shoot for it”
Or maybe it means I was hoping you wouldn’t
Who knows

I know I said no more about him
But just this once,

I miss my back against his chest
His arms pulling me close
His head resting on mine,
Something I usually hate,
but never cared about with him,
I miss feeling his breaths
In... out... in... out...
Mine matching his
In... out... in... out...
Feeling his heartbeat
Ba-dum ba-dum
His hand resting on my chest, feeling mine
Bad-dum ba-dum
I miss the safety
The loss of time as we laid in his bed
Doing nothing more than laying there
Enjoying the warmth we shared
As he held me close
I never wanted it to end...

There’s too much heartbreak in people’s lives
Souring our moods
Changing us from ourselves
Love only made me vulnerable
Love only made me stupid
Love only made me open to pain
I am not ready to feel that pain
I am not ready to feel that stupid
I am not ready to feel that vulnerable
I am not ready to feel love