In 1959 as a boy soldier, living in a barrack room with thirty other boys, the moments enabling private thought were rare and to be cherished. My quiet time was always when polishing the brasses of my equipment in preparation for the morning parade. But one had to be very careful, because the brass furnishings of our whitened belts, and our blancoed belts and the awful gaiters we had to wear, were potential disasters which required very careful navigation; as were the many crevasses of hat badge, tunic button and collar dog; for brass, when moved across the blancoed or the whitened surface, leaves behind a pencil-like mark, and Brasso, if not wholly removed, will dry to a white, visible crust. All of which provides manna to hostile, inspecting authority. Hence the inevitable morning parade apprehension. But in those days, we were told it - all of it - was to the benefit of the Army, providing the foundation for its great victories and its heroes. Hence this little verse:
Polished, a glorious, glittering gleam.
Always done using Brasso and brush,
Midst the bustle, the turmoil - one's own little dream.
One's own quiet moment despite morning's rush.
Concentrate, carefully, do not smear the tunic
For Brasso will leave a nasty, white stain.
And you will then have to face all that music.
And on Saturday morning do it again.
It is not as though there's a fault he can pick.
He always takes time to inspect everyone.
And, as with your cleaning you used button stick,
If everything's fastened, there's nought to be done.
So, why are you anxious about the parade?
What could there possibly be to go wrong?
For this is the way that soldiers are made,
Those heroes much vaunted in poem and song.
Well, that's what I thought. That's what they said.
So, imagine the horror, and how surprised
They will be, those heroes, now long dead,
To learn buttons and badges are anodised.
And of course, what price Velcro?
Army Apprentices School Arborfield