Loving you was optional,
But falling for you wasn't,
Loving you was within the boundaries of my heart,
But falling for you was a matter of life, and death .


But now it's gone,
Everything,
All the love and care and obsession,
It's all gone,
I gave you my all,
But you parcelled it in a pretty box,
Played with it,
And threw it back at my face,
As if it was a temporary gift.


But now it's gone,
Everything,
All the love and care and obsession,
It's all gone,
But, the pain you inflicted upon my deep sincere vulnerable soul, isn't,
It still aches,
Such pain, that dictates both my bleeding heart, and my demented mind.


I guess,
It isn't all gone,
I guess my feelings just drifted to another route,
The hate route.

So, much pain,
So, much pain a woman has to go through,
We give, and give, and give,
But in return,
We bleed, and bleed, and bleed,
Both,
Internally and externally,
Both,
By strangers and loved ones.

We are asked, and asked, and asked,
Asked to give,
Asked to do,
Asked to stop.

Asked to give our dignity,
Ask to do tasks, more than our body can handle,
Asked to stop believing, we,
Have a future,
A future,
That involves euphoria, and tranquility,
But in reality,
It’s just, pain and hurt and abuse and, non-stop, unconsented ***,
****.

When,
Will, it end?
When?
When will we be permitted human rights?
When can our daughters, go out during the night, or even the day, without the fear of being robbed their home and dignity,
When can we women not be blamed for others invading parts of our body that we didn’t ask for, that fits manhood,
When will we stop being tools that prove masculinity,
When will we be granted wings to fly so high, without the fear of being ogled at all of us that shakes,
Again something we, never, did ask for.

When can we be human?
When can I be human?
When can I be my dad,
When can I be my brother,
When can I be my husband,
When can I be that stranger,
That male stranger there,
When can I be treated equally as men?

Being lonely isn’t a bad thing after all,
I get to sit and ponder about how much better I deserve,
Ponder about all the times I degraded myself,
Ponder about all the times I was blinded by my love for you,
That I find it disgusting and worst of all petrified to even think about.

It took me long enough to realise you leaving wasn’t the worst thing that could possibly happen,
All the times I spent crying by the window staring at the empty sky wondering if God’s watching,
Even questioning or to be precise rebuking God for stealing my loved one.
Then came the day I stopped doing so,
The day I realised he didn’t steal my loved one,
He did not steal my loved one because you-you were not my loved one,
You didn’t deserve to be.



I deserve better,
I deserve to be sunk in love- not drowned
I deserve to be touch by passionate hands and not itchy ones,
I deserve better,
and you,
you deserve nothing but sympathy,
my sympathy for you that you can’t love,
you can’t love like me,
you can’t feel like me,
you can’t be me.  

You,
You deserve nothing.

I want to lose my breath when I meet you,
I want the world to pause when our eyes meet,
I want to act as if my heart isn’t erupting like a volcano,
Because I want you to lose your mind,
I want to steal every part of you,
Until you lose yourself.

I’ll secretly cuss every mademoiselle you talk to,
But deliberately surround myself around blokes,
Even the laundryman if that makes you jealous,
Because oh boy,
The thought of you wanting me,
Feeds my emotions like no other.

I would say no when you ask me to marry you,
I’ll promptly walk away like I don’t owe you a single explanation,
Because that’s when you chase me,
Like I’m the baton to your race,
Because that’s when you grab me by my waist,
And my curves would finally make sense,
Because they’ll lock with your hands,
Because that’s when you kiss me,
And we merge,
We become one.

Doors shutting,
Shutters slamming,
How unfortunate it wasn't the wind howling, But my parents fueding.

My childhood was exceptionally fun,
As I lived it like a dreaded bunny,
HIDING.

Was I a coward for doing so?
Hiding behind the walls as if they were barriers of the warzone?
Pummelling and battering just like the movies, I was lucky to witness it live,
Wasn't I?

Call the police,
Ring the deparment,
Run away,
Those weren't the only things my friends and acquiantances has enjoined,
But had I done any of it?
No,
Do I regret my decision?
No.

It took my  parents long enough to realise,
They can mend a broken glass over and over again,
But,
It will never look the same.

It took my my parents long enough,
To realise,
Their marriage was just sword blades,
Holding them firmly for the sake of the kids, Weren't doing anyone any good.

It took  my parents long enough,
To get a divorce.

Stop them,
Beg them,
Demand them,
To not let go of each other,
Those weren't the only things my friends and acquaintances has enjoined,
But had I done any of it?
No,
Do I regret my decision?
No.

"If you could get another chance to do something over again from your past what would it be?"
My question is,
Why would I change anything?
WHY?

Today,
When I look at a married couple disputing,
I can see the effort and sacrifices made to save their marriage from sinking like Titanic,
The only difference is Rose and Jack still loved each other,
Unlike that marrried couple.

Today,
When I look at a child from a broken family,
I too can feel those needles piercing through their hearts,
Slowly and death-dealing.

Today,
I am passionate about helping millions of children,
That sail on the same boat.

So,
Do i wish to alter anything the past has offered me?
NO.

Stop screaming,
Stop screaming your name in my ears,
Stop repeating those lovely hopeful things you said in my head,
The things  you said that obviously didn’t mean a single thing to you.

Just leave,
You’re 3092358992633 km away,
But you’re always hovering,
You’re dead to me but so alive in mind,
Or,
Or at least- in my heart.

I try to move on,
I meet this bloke,
This tall handsome smart yet humble gentleman,
But the thing is,
He doesn’t scream,
He doesn’t hover,
He doesn’t love,
Or at least he doesn’t love like you do.

I love you,
But you left,
Now I’m just one of those you’ve loved,
But here I am,
Yielding to every single part of you,
Burning my soul,
Just to say this,
I still love you
I will,
Forever.

Do you know how it feels to have a father but not have one the same time?
I do.

I seek love,
I am desperate to be loved,
Seeing other girls be their father’s pet, honey and what not,
And here I am trying to recall what my father used to even call me.

When I reminisce all the little time I had with him,
I can only form vivid thoughts of my parents clouting,
But not even a vague image of a father’s - good night kiss,
That I start to question myself,
Did I even get one?

So I look forward to my future,
Hope someone,
Anyone would gift me what I’ve lost.

Hence,
I’m sorry,
I’m sorry if I ask for good night kisses,
I’m sorry if I ask for attention,
I’m sorry if I beg for love- to be loved,
But boy,
I won’t be sorry for loving you hard.