I’ll never forget the day I told you I wanted a divorce.
I sat in the apartment parking lot and called my mom and dad.
It’s time- I said.
We knew it was coming- they said.
My knees wobbled to the apartment door.
I stuck the key in the lock and felt my soul leave my body.
There you were, in the kitchen, cooking dinner.
You hugged me.
Sit down- I said

Your eyes widened.
My heart crawled up my bony body and lodged itself into my throat.
My hands turned into sweaty ice.
I want a divorce- I said.
Ok. Wow. Why? You ask.
All of the air in the room evaporated.

It was in that moment, I would never be the same. We would never be the same.

To have something ripped from your life without even a warning.


How disrespectful.


I crumble down to the earth like breaking rocks and I don’t see the sun shining anymore.
Where did my strength all go?

Then I look over and see you...


         m y   l o v e r

I tend to run away just when things turn good.
Why?
I am not sure.
It could be because I run a risk of heartbreak,
and enduring that pain for so long makes you want to avoid it.
It's like I purposely try to sabotage my own future to protect my heart in a gated vulnerable contraption.
Maybe it's because I am afraid he will get tired of me:

The way I laugh
The way I cry
  The way I sing in the car
   The way I cook
     The way I dance

I am worried that I love too hard; a hopeless romantic so soon to be forgotten. I am worried that I will overwhelm him with my sensibility and carelessness- my desire to run free with no set routine carved in stone. I am worried that I will touch him too much or kiss his lips too often.

I am either too much or too little.
Too close or too distant
Too hot or too cold
Too funny or too aloof
I try so hard to be normal and a lovable creature in this inhabitable world, that maybe I scare people off.
I only know how to be me and maybe it just takes time until the universe allows you to find your own ******.

We were walking under the night sky
Unfamiliar roads boggled my mind
I tried to keep my cool
You told me that you couldn't protect me if someone jumped out of the bushes
I wondered what kind of man you were after you said that

The kind who ran when times got tough
The kind who wouldn't speak up if he got the wrong coffee
The kind who wouldn't talk about his feelings

The deeper I got into your brain
The more I realized that you weren't healed
I got lost in your music and tried to find your soul behind the riffs
But you were nowhere to be found
I got tired of searching

I love someone way more than him

And

Her. Name. Is. Ashley.

You looked at me and I was done.
I lost all common sense and immediately caught fire.
I tried to control the burning desire and Oxytocin that was released after our first kiss.
Let’s take our pants off and watch commercials in a rundown motel all day.
Let’s eat pizza and forget what day it is.
Just stay with me. Let’s fall together into an unknown abyss of misery, passion, and love.

You’re gone and my fire still burns for you, but with a smaller ember that is close to burning out.

This is me getting over you.

I miss the late night conversations
in which we would drive each other wild.
Planning trips we would never take.
Talking about the future, like we ever had one.
I believed we did.

I didn't care about the things you didn't love about yourself.
I liked you just the way you were.
I would never try to change you.
But that wasn't enough.

I tried to heal you, but I couldn't, you have to do that on your own.
I wish you could see what I see in you.
The way your clothes fit your body.
The way your hair moves in the atmosphere.

You're kind. You're caring. You're loving. You're passionate.
You're determined. You're motivated.
I want you to see it for yourself.

Maybe one day when you put the pieces back together,
and the bad times, don't seem so bad,
you'll think of me and reach out.

Please do. Because I would love to love you in all the ways you couldn't.

Here I am again
I am on a path to destruction and no one can stop me
The moon frowns but he never judges my poor decisions
For he is my only friend in the warm summer nights

He watches me cry on my apartment balcony
All I want to do is jump and swim on the Milky Way until I land on him
The moon is the only one that can help me sleep
He tells me I will be ok

I wince with tears in my eyes.

No,

I won't.

He asked me if I was going to write poems about him.





I told him that I don’t have any other choice.

I'm attracted to men who tend to have a ***** or two loose.
There is something about a broken mirror that drives me wild.
I'm tired of the old boring routine.
I'm up for a little adventure.

Corner me in an elevator and push your body against me.
Wake me up at 2 am and take me to a rooftop.
Whisper your darkest desires into my ear.
Rub my leg at dinner and let me know what I'm in for.

Push me in the backseat and pull me on top.
Just make-out with me like two teenagers in high school.
Tell me how you need it.
Let me touch your body.

Tell me I'm the one you've been waiting for your whole life.
Tell me you can't concentrate at work because you're thinking of me.
Tell me what you're going to do to me.
Make me beg for it.
Tell me I'm that somebody.


-you know I don't trust nobody

I'm drunk as ****. He looked at my Instagram story as soon as I was thinking of him. I liked his ****** photo. **** I miss him so much. I want to text him that I miss him. Why?

I'll regret it. So I won't

It's almost been a month since I've seen him. Three weeks since we have texted. Why do I still miss this man?

****. I'm still In love.
Lust.

I'm drunk.

I remember the night he said he was done.
My feet felt like ice on the pavement.
I could see my breath in the night sky.
I knew it was coming.
He had been small talking me for days.
Funny how men act so tough until they have to tell someone they are moving on.
“I deleted all of your photos...” he said. “Everything is gone off of my phone”
How does one move on so fast?
At this point, I wasn’t even listening.
I had opened my heart.
The vulnerability was unleashed like a fire hydrant and I couldn’t find the willpower to stop it from completely destroying my self worth.
I don’t blame you.
I wasn’t ready to be loved.

It's late nights on my balcony,
when the sun sleeps
and I am exhaling my cigarette...

that I miss you most.

It brings me
          b
            a
              c
                k
to the night in the parking lot where I stood there and just stared at you.


-my brain knew before I did that it was the last time I was going to see you

Remember when we wanted each other so badly, that we couldn’t get our pants off quick enough?
I used to see the love in your eyes when you would stare at me from afar.
You’d find any excuse to stand near me and touch my skin.
...now...things have changed...
You walk ahead of me and I feel like I’m being left behind.
Roommates.
Ones that occasionally make love and Netflix together
I miss most the sweet tender words you used to speak
Constantly searching for affection that I will never ever reach

You didn't talk to me for a whole week because you were too scared to tell me you didn't want to see me.

I recommended places for you to see in town without me.

I thought about you walking through the park and not having me near.

You sir, are what we call a coward.

How do I explain my mind?
It's hard to put into words but the best way to describe my brain is that it is all sorts of ******. It gets intense, I can't focus on one thing too long, I get bored, I get embarrassed, I over-think, I over-analyze. I want to stab my temporal lobe with a fork until I no longer have to open my eyes and function in a world where I am seen as sick or crazy. I want to tell my brain to "shhhhh" while I try to soak up any ounce of sleep like a sponge in a draining sink. I want to tell my mind to shut the **** up so I can be normal, so I don't have to FEEL anymore. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to slam my head on my desk at work until the pain goes away.

This all happens in a second.

Send help.

You're not the bad guy that my friends make you out to be.
They don't know the whole story and I don't want them to.
There is something special about keeping our story private.
It's like our little secret.
It's the only thing I have left of you and I want to hold it and hide it away deep in my heart, where only I can visit.

Animal-like *** at 6 am.
Cold blue light hugs his skin.
Bottom lip grazes his shoulder.
Dry throat coated with saliva.
Hot breath on my neck.
Nail marks on his back.
My new name is passion.

When I am sad, I try to remember happier times to help me get by.
                                          I'm restless.
I miss the warm summers in Florida, on the beach.
You put your arm around me, the sand between our toes
The sun setting behind the clouds, over the water
                                    Trying to forget you.
The night out in downtown, ice cream in the winter
Stumbling on the broken sidewalks, palm trees sway in the wind
Kissing on the railroad tracks.
                                      I hate how you lie.
Prom dress on the floor, warm nights in bed
My first love, my first everything
Backwards hats and skinny jeans
                                        I miss your kiss.
Good memories are always overshadowed by immense sadness and the fact that I am now alone.
                                    It won't always be this way.

I'm sad and lonely. I miss home. I'm a miserable mess.

Homesick.

I want to spill all of my thoughts that have been locked away into my head for days. Truth be told, I have been afraid to write about you for a few days because sometimes, it hurts too much and I feel that if I don't write about you, then I will get over it. I'm slowly learning:


                                THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS

I hate you so much. I love you like I will never love another man. I hate how you took the time to get to know me if you knew that you would always say good-bye.  I love how you watched TV and held my hand. I hate how stubborn you were. I love how your skinny jeans and boots looked on you. I love how you lit your cigarette and smoked too fast. I love how you entered my life and I love how you left it. You'll always be welcome back, because I am weak for you.

I wish I would have known that the last time I saw you, would truly be the last time.

I would have kissed you longer.

I would have inhaled your skin and pressed my body against yours more often.

I would have ran my fingers through your hair.

I would have studied your face more, listened to your laugh and voice deeper.

I hate myself everyday for not enjoying the moment more, because now you're gone and I am starting to forget what you sound like.

I'm starting to forget what you look like when you laugh.

I'm starting to forget what you smell like.

I'm starting to forget how your soft lips felt against mine.

I'm starting to forget how your hand felt in mine.

Even though I may forget all of the tiny pleasantries such as those, I will never forget the way you made me feel: whole again.

Can you see it through my sunken eyes
That yet again, my mind is going crazy?
Can you hear my rapid breath or my eyelids blinking quickly?
Can you smell the sweat on my palms, or the spit I keep swallowing in my mouth?
How do I manage to always fall apart when people need me the most?
In an instant, while someone else is losing their ****, I am losing mine.
How can I support him when I can’t support myself?
How do I tell my head to stop talking long enough for me to grasp a hold of planet earth?

We. Got. This. Thing. Under. Control.



Or, so I think.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone ever really understands me. I often feel as if I’m searching for a level of comfort that I will never really find. I want to feel like home and when I don’t, I crave familiarity.

It’s like driving down a road you’ve known forever and seeing the same people driving and walking by.

The smell of my mom when she hugs me with her favorite perfume on

My cat when he stretches his legs and leans against me because I provide the same home to him that I am searching for in others

I suppose I will never rest until my heart stops beating.

We got married too young.
My breath shortens.
The doors to the church are about to open and all I can feel is my pulse quicken and this lingering moment of doubt I can’t seem to shake.
According to google, this fear is normal, but is it?
Counting down.
My father positions himself next to me.
He looks at me.
You know what look I’m talking about.
The look that says, “I’m your father and you are my daughter, if you want to escape, now is the time to say something...”
It’s like he knew something before I did.
But I cower.
The doors open and our eyes meet.
You don’t cry, but I do.
It’s like I’m walking to my death.
We get to the end and my father hugs me

I hesitate and don’t let go of my dad.
He whispers, “it’ll be ok”.
But it wasn’t.
It ended.
And I have myself to blame.

I’m paralyzed.
The air is cold and all I can think about is how your lips felt on mine.
Static. Electricity.
You make me feel alive.
Like I’m 16 years old again and I’ve never been burned or jaded before.
You’re the perfect beginning to my new ending.

Your music is still as dark as your soul.
You stand up on the passenger seat to play guitar in your new video
                                and
It makes me remember the time you begged me not to tell anyone about our conversations.
You deleted me out of your life.
I made you hate Florida.



Well..


Joke's on you because...



You have a tour stop in Jacksonville.

Enjoy Florida, you *****.

Last night, I watched your band's live videos on YouTube.
I cried.
I saw the sadness in your face.
The bags underneath your eyes.
Your grown out beard that I like to think you grew for me because you knew I liked it.
I didn't see you smile.
I saw the pain in your posture.
The hollowness of your soul.
I can't help but wonder if it's because of me.
You tell me that you're doing better-
Getting into a "routine".
Yes, I still listen to your music.
I listen to it when I hate myself and I want to feel you close to me.
I always regret it.
Because I always feel torn apart after I listen to my favorite songs.
I listen and search for you in every song,
In hopes that the music will one day bring us together again,
like it did the night I met you.
Remember how happy we both were?
To find one another.
We both admitted to feeling a happiness we haven't felt in a long time.
I thought I had finally found my "******".
Now, you are an empty memory-
One I constantly search for in the melodies through my phone.

It stings like an open cut
When you say…
“I’m not sure I will ever date again…”
Do you hear the pain in my voice
As I mask my laugh and shy away from the conversation?
I hold my breath in hopes you’ll notice that I am
Head
Over
Heels
For you.
I am crazy. I am insane.
I exhale.
I told you I quit smoking and when I do so,
You ask me if I am smoking again.
I tell you that my anxiety makes me breathe off the beaten path.
When, I want to tell you that I have this clutching fear that you’ll leave.

To hug someone. To fall into an abyss of not caring about what happens for a few days. To laugh. To get deep. To grow. To expand my horizons. To follow my desires. To skip logic. Ignore my brain. I want to fall in a deep love that I don't even know I'm in love until I think about it and then I'm like ****. There it is.

They say you never forget your first love.
It was high school.
You looked at me and I was done for.

You drove me to Wal-Mart in your truck.
It was late.
We tried on Halloween masks.
I was 16.
You held my hand on the way home.
We smoked cigarettes.

I thought, "this is what love feels like."

Over ten years later, and I still love you.

All I long for
Is to snuggle in the crook of your neck
Smell your skin
Hear your heart beat, like it’s beating for me
I try to pretend that you won’t leave, when you will
You can’t love me because you’re broken
I’m very used to being a stepping stone for men
The sweet girl who will listen to all of their problems and then when they are healed,
Meet the new girl who they will inevitably fall in love with
But the saddest thing is I don’t know to stop myself
I care too much. I got that feature from my father.
I don’t want to become cold hearted and icy
I want to help people around me
Hopefully one day, I will meet a man who wants to grow along with me
Until then, I will remain alone and broken hearted.

Frustration arises as I struggle to find the tax office downtown.
I turn a corner and stop dead in my tracks.
Right in front of my face is the first place I met you.
I turn cold.
My stare glazes.
I hit the gas and speed right for the bridge.
The bridge keeps me safe and holds me up
while I'm breaking down inside of my car.





-this town is full of heartbreak for me

Some days I am very thankful for my divorce. I say this because, I now know the type of human I want in my life. Someone who continually supports me. Someone who adores my wicked laugh. Someone who doesn’t mind that I have nightly dance parties in my underwear. Someone who doesn’t mind I cry at every fleeting moment. Someone who can handle my mental health and not mock me. Someone who is smart and funny and has a dark sense of humor. Someone who will look me in the eyes and make me feel safe.

Do you believe in true love? I no longer call it that. I now call it real love. Are you supposed to limit your love to your own city? Or do you believe someone who is your "real" love lives in a diverse state or even country? Why do we limit ourselves? Why are we afraid of distance? I used to be. Now, I don’t give a ****. If I fall head over heels, I will go anywhere. Does that make me naive or stupid? Possibly. All I know is, what is life without love?

I don’t need money or fame. I don’t need an expensive apartment. I’d be just as happy sleeping on a bare mattress on the floor if it meant I could be closer to you.

I will never apologize for wanting love. I will never stop searching for love. Because even after the ******* **** storm I’ve been though, I still believe in it.

I'm fatigued.
The holidays are draining every ******* ounce of energy that I have left in my depleted body.
It's my first year of going through every thing post-divorce and it's seriously testing my ability to be strong.

We both got each other's initials tattooed on one another.

It was in that moment, I knew no one could love me as much as you did.

Two laser treatments later, and I run my fingers over the lightened puzzle piece.


                      



                I can still remember that day like it was yesterday.


-young love

I thought to myself today, that if you called and asked me to be yours right his second, I am not quite sure I could say yes. I miss you, of course; you're on my mind all of the time, but I have a hard time going back to someone that ended things. Maybe, it's because I am finally realizing I deserve someone who wants me the same way I want them.
I guess if I am being honest, I am just mad. I am mad because I wanted to explore this universe with you.  I'm mad because when something great or horrible happens in my life, I reach for my phone to text you and I stop myself because that's not what you want anymore.
I sometimes wonder when I will not feel the urge to have you near me. I am crazy, I think. I started to daydream-I was actually willing to eventually move close to you if things went well because that's how hard you hit me. That is insane. I guess it's because when I fall, I fall hard and it's all or nothing for me.
You ended things the way a perfect gentleman would and I respect you so much for that. I wish you would've been horrible to me or just ghosted me, because then I would have a valid reason to move on. But, in your sweet nature, you let me down easily and I love you even more for it.

How is it possible to fall for someone even more after they have just told you goodbye?

Who knows...

I can’t say sorry to your face, so I write it in a poem.
I’m sorry.

I know they say you can't escape your problems.
This city is a world of hurt for me.
I got divorced here.
I began to fall in love again after that, and got hurt...again.

I want this place in my rear view.
I don't want to see **** that reminds me of you anymore.
I want a new beginning.
I don't care what "they" say.


I want out.

I made you a playlist that you never listened to.
Now, I write words you will never read.
Funny how life works out that way.
Thrown away words that never reach the one I want.

Milk
Salad
Tomatoes
Bananas
Ground beef
Carrots
Cereal
Pop tarts
Yogurt
Fruit on sale
A new heart