I am falling
     Nervous
      Anxious
        Scared
          Happy


Who knew the human body could feel all characteristics at once?
I want to tell you.
Soon.

-My emotions

Are you ok?

Well **** me. That’s a loaded question.

I’ll never waste another wish on a shooting star or 11:11 for you
Ever
Again.

I am tired all of the time,
My friends say I am depressed.
I agree-which is a lie.
What I want to tell them is that I am heartbroken.


Over you.



-I'll lie forever so I don't have to bring you up

Ugh. I'm feeling super emotional and vulnerable today. I don't know why but I'm on the edge of tears. I want to cry so badly but I'm trying to hold my **** together right now. I can't pinpoint as to why I feel this way. I think I'm just sad. About money. About my broken relationship. About work. I'm not ready to date anyone. I need to take it slow. Going out with someone makes me want to throw up and not the good kind.

I put on a fake smile at work,
because I don't want to admit to my friends that I am truly
having the worst time getting over you.

I know if I talk about it, water will spill from eyes like rain
and I am so dehydrated that I am not sure my body can
handle any more loss of liquid.

I fell apart when you told me you couldn't do "this" anymore.
It was so silent, you could've heard a pin drop.
How can you go from being so ecstatic to a crumbling mess in a matter of seconds?

I promised myself I was done writing about you,
but as the tears spill, so does the ink.
As long as I keep crying, the words will keep coming.






Heartbreak is the worst pain, I have ever endured.

Every night I look up at the stars.
Oh, how I wish I was up there in the galaxy with them!
They cover my soul like a blanket and when I see them dancing, I don’t feel so alone.
I come alive in the nighttime.
Sometimes I wish on a star that you loved me. Sometimes I call myself stupid for wishing that.
The stars cry for me and I really don’t want them to.
I don’t want to be a burden upon them but they listen and gleam from light years away.
Sometimes I wonder if you’re looking up at the night sky, wishing for me.  
Sometimes I call myself stupid for wondering that.
Love can drive you crazy.
Someone leaving you can drive you crazy.
Instead of telling you how I feel, I will continue to vent to the stars.

My horoscope says if I don't pursue this, I'll always wonder what if? And I would rather go into this full force and get hurt then sit at home and be like, ****. What if?

Maybe I am meant to wander this planet aimlessly, alone. Unguided. Scared. Nervous.

-guide me home

I don't see you anymore.
Only through vivid images on Instagram.
I choke when I see your face, your smile.
I quickly close out and try to focus my energy elsewhere.
Never works.

I watch movies, I play video games, I do my makeup, I cook dinner, I clean, I sing to music, I drive to the store, I hang out with friends, I go shopping-I do all of the things the internet suggests to help me move on.
Never works.

I want to crawl in the bed we once were in and feel you on my skin.
I crave you like an addiction.
It's quite pathetic on my end- I am aware.
But someone tell me how to stop thinking about someone who was literally every thing I looked for?

I need an intervention.
On my heart.
On my brain.
Never works.

I remember when seeing your name pop upon my phone made my heart flutter. I couldn’t wait to open your text but delayed the process so the excitement would build. Now I see your name when you view my Snapchat story and all I feel is sadness.

I miss having you in my front seat.
I miss you the most when I can't seem to fall asleep (every night).
I miss your honesty.

You were a ritual in my every day life.
You felt like home.
I gave you the key to my soul.
You opened me up and etched yourself in a part of my brain
that I can't erase.

I type texts that I delete.
I hold back feelings.
Now our conversations are limited to-Hi, how are you?
Instead of the dark galaxies and intricacies that we spoke of before.

What happened?
What changed?
Did I push too far?
All questions that ramble in my heart and brain like a bad fog.

I wonder if I cross your mind.
Maybe, you just need time.
I'll be here if you're ever ready.
I'll move across oceans just to feel your skin.

You are something special to me.
I just can't get you off my skin.
I wish I could be a painting on your wall.
Forever hanging, wishing to be noticed.

I want to make love. Be sensual. Kiss. Be held. Hugged. Touched. Smoke. Drink. Eat. I want to pass by strangers I'll never see again. Look into eyes that get me. Understand my darkness. Understand my soul. I want to close my eyes. And in that little moment, feel happiness. I'll try to hold onto it until it escapes. I'll grasp it so tight. I want to be wanted. Safe. Comfort. Home. Comfortable silence. Steal glances. Maybe a touch. And if we kiss, I'll hold on to it. I'll embrace it. I'll let every cell of my being and fiber soak it in like a sponge. And I'll kiss him back. Grab him. Pull him close. Because he has successfully penetrated my mind. He carries an immense sadness and so do I. We aren't forever and most likely won't be. If we make love, I'll look at him, like I've never looked at anyone before. I'll kiss his neck. Touch him everywhere. I'll make him believe this is the first time. Because I want to. I won't fake it. When I see him for the first time, I'll hug him so tight. I'm ready universe. I'm ready to get hurt again. I'm scared. I'm vulnerable. I feel sick. It's an all too familiar feeling that I felt months ago. But that's romance right? You keep trying in hopes the next time is different.

Let go of control.
*******. At this exact moment. I just become utterly scared of starting over with someone new and the fact you won't be near me anymore.

I’m walking down the long and lonely hallway to my apartment door.
Every time I turn the corner, I wish you’d be standing there.
I imagine in my head running towards you with tears down my face and kissing you. So happy to have you here.
But I know that’ll never happen.
On the phone last night you mentioned how you and I will never see each other again.
Ever.
I fake a smile and laugh because I know you’re right.
The unfortunate thing about my mind is I’m a daydreamer and you’re a realist. My head is always up in the clouds and you bring me down to earth. I don’t want to believe it but maybe you’re right.
Is it so crazy for me to admit I’m falling in love?
Although I think it’s normal, my friends call me insane and I’m starting to think you think it’s insane as well.
I don’t want to meet someone else. I don’t want to meet someone who I will always try to compare to you. I don’t want to meet someone who won’t try to get to know me like you did.
If I do, I’ll close my eyes while he kisses me and I’ll be hoping that when I open my eyes, it’s you I see.
I am only fooling myself.
I am a firm believer that the universe sends people into your life for a reason.

Don’t be sad, he says, I’m not trying to make you sad.
I like talking to you.
Maybe for now, this is as good as it gets,

I will continue to search for you.
In every glance.
In every passing stare.
In every hand hold and hug.
Every lingering kiss.

****, man.

I hate picking myself back up off the floor. I’m getting so good at it and truth be told, that scares the **** out of me.

I wanted it to be you.

But. What can you do? You can’t curse the universe. I hope you still think of me. Because you’re on my mind right before bed and right when I wake up.

Can someone tell me when that ends? I need a guide to tell me when the **** my heart stops hurting and when my head decides to stop thinking about you.

I’m in this odd limbo of wanting someone and not wanting someone. I can’t quite explain it. I’m just afraid that I’ll get so good at being alone, I won’t ever want anyone in my life.

You were not settling to me. You get me. Well, you got me. That’s gone now. Now, we are awkward and jagged puzzle pieces trying to make a whole picture on a cracked wooden table and we will never fit together. Not like I want it to.

I have this bad habit of trying to change people’s minds about me. Is it me? Maybe I’m the odd one out. All I know is, when I met you, I smiled at the sun. Life here didn’t seem so bad. I smiled at random people passing by. I enjoyed love songs. Now, I ******* hate everything all over again and there is

No
One
To
Blame
But




Me.

You made me laugh, the kind of laugh
that makes your insides hurt.
You made me smile, the kind of smile
that makes your cheeks hurt.
You made me feel, like I finally mattered,
that made my heart skip a beat.

There is something about divorce that makes you feel broken.
That makes you feel ugly.
That makes you feel like you will never find love again.
All that changed, when I met you.

In an instant, I felt beautiful, I felt wanted, I felt alive.
But now you're gone, and I am back to square one.

Today I had a panic attack.
I wanted to pick up the phone and call you.
                 But I didn’t.


                             I can’t open up to you anymore.




-friends

I just feel so sad. I'm sitting in my car cryin after work. It's storming. He wants to come up to Jacksonville and I want to say yes. But I know it's wrong. I just want the comfort of having someone near me to touch me. I feel so alone. I miss my family but I don't want to talk to them because I just feel like a disappointment. I heard some ******* the phone tell the other person she loves them. I just want to be ok. I want to feel ok. I want to stop crying. I want to feel normal. I don't want to be tired. I don't know when I'm supposed to be done healing.

Time will tell. I need to focus on me and myself and get my mind right, all over again. It’s ok. I’m used to doing it by now. My teeth are rotting.

Red flags:
Flirtatious
Open to an open relationship
Not good alone not good in relationships
Casual
Short temper

It was the very first date I had been on since my divorce.
If I am being honest, this first date happened while I still lived with my ex and we were not yet divorced.
I made sure to really try and put myself together for once.
I got my hair done, wore high-heels, low-cut shirt, my tightest skinny jeans.
I got to your house too early because my ******* GPS said it would take an hour when it only took 30 minutes.
I hug you and the smell of you makes me feel like home, which is both exhilarating and odd in the weirdest sense.
I brought you your favorite candy because I am a ******* psychopath who cares too much.
You smile and thank me.
You hop in the shower and I sit in your room, admiring all of your collections, your well-made bed.
Your room smells of *** and cologne and it makes me want to crawl in your bed and sleep for days.

Once you’re done, you take me to dinner. We order food we both end up hating but laugh because we are both too friendly to tell the waitress it tastes like ****.
You ******* drink, I taste yours.
You talk all night and even though that would normally bother me, you exude a confidence and sexuality that I have never encountered.
I’ve never slept with someone on the first date before and all I can think about is your smile and that if you ask me to go home with you, I will say yes.
You take me to the water and we sit on a bench for hours just talking and laughing.
It’s cold and I am shivering but all I want to do is kiss your sweet mouth.
It’s 3 am and you stand up.
I shudder.
I have been kissing the same man for so long that I am not sure I will know how to handle what happens next.
You hold your hands out and pull me up and I almost fall because I am wearing heels and my legs are frozen.
You pull me close and grab my face.
That kiss.
Your mouth was hot and your hands were cold and in the moment you kissed me, I immediately forgot about all the pain I had been in previously.
We walk back to your car and you take me to your house. On the front porch, I smoke a cigarette, while you smoke a blunt. I grab your shirt and pull you in to kiss me. Everything feels right. Everything feels safe. We go inside, and my knees shake. You lay on the bed and you look exhausted-not to mention that you have work in 5 hours. I tell you that I have to leave and you ask me if I want to stay.

Every night, I look up at the moon and the stars and I pray to the universe that you are too. In this moment, while looking at the same night sky, the distance between you and I doesn’t seem too far.












Distance

I remember the way I felt when your hand grabbed mine.
You pulled me through the crowd
The lights shining bright and the smoke billowing low
“Let’s whisper...” he says
The city is quiet and in the silence, I can feel my heart pounding through my chest
Will I ever see you again?
A stranger who knows all my vulnerabilities and, yet I feel secure and safe.
You kiss my lips and I lose my breath, feeling as if I am drowning, in the best way possible,
I pull you in tight, sensations I never knew were even plausible again, pumping through my veins.
Happiness to be in your embrace, immense sadness knowing we must say goodbye
Over 1,000 miles away-yet, I will walk every mile if in the end, it leads me to you
A connection…
I am falling in love
I am in love with you
Do you feel the same?

You kiss me for the first time
And it’s in this moment
I know we will never become anything
More.

You are so broken and so am I.
You don’t know what you want
But you want to fall asleep next to me
Tonight

You tell me that you wish you could be
Anything that I want you to be
That’s not how love works
Unfortunately

You compliment me all the time
You know my body so well
That I wish you could occupy my mind like
That

I’m sorry you’re so lost sweet boy
You have a mind of running demons
With a tight mouth that won’t speak
Up

I tried to save you and I tried to heal you
But where were you when I needed you?
Again, I am a one way street holding up other
People

Maybe we met at the wrong time
Maybe we can come together down the road
Maybe you just can’t commit to
Me.

He walked me to my car in the early morning and hugged me. Still in his arms, I told him that I was going to miss him. Instead of reciprocating that response, he complimented my German bumper stickers. Rejection. After that moment, I never said it again.




learning the games you play

All day long exhaustion plagues my body
I dream of my bed during the morning hours-when the sun kisses my eyelids
But when nighttime finally rolls around, the only thing that falls are tears from my eyes
I’ll never get used to sleeping alone
I’m trying to get used to being alone
And all I want to do is pick up the phone
Tell you I miss you and I’m sorry
For what? Yeah I don’t know
It wasn’t my fault that this ended, it was yours
Yet I’m willing to put the past in the past and come on baby, let’s try to make this last
I just want a warm body next to me

I take hot baths every night. I make the water as hot as it gets and yet, it still isn’t hot enough to singe away the pain from the day. I soak for over an hour in hopes that when I dry off, I’ll be a new woman.

I feel like I'm running in circles. I think I need to let this thing fade away slowly. I think I'm grasping at thin straws right now. I hate being the only one who takes the initiative and makes the effort. I understand he wants to go slow but I'd like him to do something. I don't know. I'm trying to follow with my heart and emotion and that is proving to be hard. I just wish I knew where I stood. I am not going to text him first this week and I will see if he makes plans to see me. Just seems like he is too busy and I might be making it too easy for him. I just don't like playing games. If I want to text you, then I'm going to text you. But I guess I have to resort to being a ******* child because of that. Just *****.