I remember how quiet the mornings were when you left. I would sit until the nights turned into days because the thought of closing my eyes in the dark terrified me. I longed for a body to be next to me in bed. What if I woke up from a nightmare and no one was there to comfort me? I used to go to the gas station because the employees were so friendly and they smiled at me. One night I was drunk. My face was done up. I wanted cigarettes and got in the car to drive. You threatened to call the police on me. So I started to walk. I didn’t have shoes on and the grass felt wet and cold on my feet. I wished that someone would just stop and give me a hug. I just wanted one person to show that they cared. You pulled up in my car and brought me to that same gas station. I bought cigarettes. You told me that smoking would **** me and I told you that it’s not happening soon enough. Who were you? You were not the same man I once knew. You disgusted me.

I don’t know why I always trust words.
Promises get broken.
Expectations fall to the wayside
Maybe that’s why I’m so independent,
Because I know if I do it myself,
I won’t break my own heart.

Is it so crazy, that the brush of his lips against mine, sends electric shockwaves down every bone in my spine

.


......

My, oh my.

Can you see it through my sunken eyes
That yet again, my mind is going crazy?
Can you hear my rapid breath or my eyelids blinking quickly?
Can you smell the sweat on my palms, or the spit I keep swallowing in my mouth?
How do I manage to always fall apart when people need me the most?
In an instant, while someone else is losing their ****, I am losing mine.
How can I support him when I can’t support myself?
How do I tell my head to stop talking long enough for me to grasp a hold of planet earth?

We. Got. This. Thing. Under. Control.



Or, so I think.

To have something ripped from your life without even a warning.


How disrespectful.


I crumble down to the earth like breaking rocks and I don’t see the sun shining anymore.
Where did my strength all go?

Then I look over and see you...


         m y   l o v e r

I just want to hit something or someone.
I don’t want to stop until my fingers are bleeding.
I want to hurt him like how he hurt me.
I want him to feel the pain he caused.
I want him to suffer.    


I locked myself in the bedroom and he punched a hole in the door. I wanted to *** myself because I was so scared and for what ever reason, I couldnt stop shaking. I stayed in the room until he went downstairs and I ran to my car. He stood behind me and acted as if I wouldn’t hit him. But I wanted to. I knew that if I ran him over, the suffering would be over. The abuse would end-but I didn’t.
Because you can’t make a narcissist feel anything.

I don’t know where my anger comes from.
Ok

I lied

I do.

It comes from a man I knew before you who promised me a lifetime of stability. He used his slick words and false promises to guide my eyes elsewhere while he slithered around behind my back.
He once thought that buying me things would make me turn a blind eye to the promiscuity that was unfolding in the dark.

Men always thought I was complicated and hard to read. I don’t find myself so hard. All I crave is touch. The touch of a hand under the table on my leg. The caress of fingers on my face before sleep. A hug out of nowhere when it’s least expected.

I don’t want fancy things and expensive dinners. I don’t want diamond rings and new makeup. I want you to listen to me and touch me. Can’t you see? I’m a human who needs contact.

Why is that so hard?