I confuse myself.

sometimes
i love
what hurts me the most;

sometimes
i despise
embracing what i love.

sometimes
i adore the sun setting
and i close my eyes
as the sun drapes itself
with dust and memories.

then
i despise the way
the sun rises
with false anticipation
for children chasing them,
desiring to touch
even a glint of gold
and sunlight.

but i try not to love
the way your crooked smile
makes everything look
endearing.

because
i am afraid
that i will soon learn
to hate it.

If you're expecting a regular, silly me,
well this is not for you.
And if it makes you uncomfortable,
I recommend leaving right now.
But my body
literally cannot take it anymore
and I feel that making an essay
explaining how anxiety affects me
will not only help me cope and deal with it,
but it may even help other people out there
come to terms,
or relate,
or empathize on just
what it can do to a person.
If there is only one single person out there
who finds even a smidgen of solace or comfort
in knowing that they're not alone,
then this whole essay will be worth it for me.

As you may or may not know,
I like to keep my personal life private and away
from strangers
as much as I can for the most part.

Not because
I'm embarrassed or scared of what people might think,
but mostly because I think it's unhealthy
to share every waking moment of your life
with a collection of strangers on the Internet.

Everyone deserves privacy,
and it's not something most people
even have to think about.
Never in a million years
did I ever even consider the possibility
that my privacy would be something
I may have to worry about.
So what does this have to do with anxiety?
Well,
in May of 2018,
I vanished for nearly a month.
I barely posted anything anywhere,
the only place you could have found me
was on classes.
Where I definitely wouldn't have mentioned
or talked about what was
happening to me at the time.
I did answers questions, where I loosely and vaguely
explained where I was for that time,
beating around the bush and avoiding
the exact reasoning,
but let me explain to you what happened.

Near the middles last semester, or early April,
I can't really remember,
The play and my overdue assignments
I have to catch up to,
had been tiring me
to a quite extreme extent.
And thus personally
it started to get...
insane.
No, I'm not talking about stupid essays
or poor language.
I mean exhausting,
crushing, abhorrent nature
of relationships
This includes not only relationships
between classmates and such,
but all members of my social circles:
my family, lecturers,
combined with some very personal issues
that i may or may not talked about.
I even developed multiple "voices" in my head
that was dedicated to ridiculing
my abhorrent behaviour
saying things like,
'Nobody likes you.'
'Why they would even bother anymore.'
And not surprisingly,
this completely threw me for a loop
and ever since then,
my anxiety has been
pretty much a daily struggle.
It can be anything that causes it
Maybe only a small thing, like...
being too scared to call up friends
to notify others about my sickness
because they are excited
about the play
and need my cooperation.
Or rushing out from classes and events
just because i don't want
to interact with people.
Or even more destructive behavior, like
panic attacks that wake me up at like 6 AM
and leave me shaking and out of breath
for seemingly nothing.
Or locking myself away
and refusing to interact with anyone
and just leaving myself
to my own terrible thoughts.

The cycle of anxiety
is one the worst things about it,
It's a spiral
that just gets worse and worse if you let it.
You may be saying to yourself
'Well, that's dumb, stop!'
'Just don't do it, that makes no sense!'
And you're right.
The thing that agitated me the most
about anxiety at first was the lack of being able
to find a reasonable explanation or cause
for why I feel the way I do.
Because the awful thing about anxiety
is that it's not reasonable.
It defies logic,
it is wrong.
It's a thought process and
a destructive vicious cycle
that is very hard to
wrap your head around at first
and only gets worse
the more self-aware about it you become.
Anxiety is destructive,
Crushing,
It hurts you both,
phisically and mentally,
It ruins relationships with people,
It makes you feel pathetic and lost,
It makes you feel wrong or broken,
Embarrassed and sick.

But let me tell you something;
You should never
feel embarrassed or ashamed for something
you have no control over.
Whether it's a mental illness,
your skin color,
your ****** preference...
Don't you let anyone EVER
make you feel like you should be ashamed,
guilty or embarrassed for that.

Objectively, on paper, I should have
absolutely nothing to worry about.
I have a very comfortable and safe life.
But another cruel symptom of anxiety
can be a sense of constant doubt
and worry.
Things like, my classes is doing TOO well,
My life is going TOO smoothly,
My partner is TOO attractive and TOO perfect.
Things are going too great for me,
and maybe I don't deserve it.
Even if you're joking or not,
the 'I'm stressed' thing
is something I hear extremely often.

But I remember a few years ago
when I worked in retail for a bit
Someone called me over to ask for help
I politely told this guy what to do,
as you're supposed to
and his response was to rudely say
'Well, how the **** was I supposed to know that?
I have a real job'
Now, I'm definitely not suited to retail
because I found it to be horribly crushing
but in saying that
conversely, anxiety was hardly
a problem for me at the time
It was still there,
but the difference is
I had no investment in weekend
throwaway jobs like that
So it was easy to shrug it off and forget about it

But when your life completely revolves around
interacting with an audience of people
that you are always constantly
trying to impress and make happy
because you really, really care about it
I found that I started to ignore basic human needs like...
staying healthy
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy
I now work every single day of the week
in some regard
I never switch off
I find it hard to switch off
It's always in the back of my mind
I used to take one day of the week to try
and relax and do nothing
But now I going out on that day
Which I thought would be fun
because I'm really bad at interacting with my friends
so I thought this would be the perfect way to avoid it.
But I've been met by a large backlash of people who
because I'm sacrificing even more
of my time to try to interact
and entertain my audience
and its not related with the
my current tasks at all...
I've people saying things like
'You has to get more hardworking.
do you not sympathize with others?'
You get the idea
And comments don't usually bother me,
but every now and again
there will be that one
that will catch me at the wrong moment
and will just make me ask myself
Why do I even bother?
So if getting more hardworking
results in me being able to sleep at night
and not have panic attacks
then please, somebody go ahead and
swap with me, yeah?

I do realize i was wrong most of the time,
or sometimes don't care about my laziness
but sometimes i tend to get overwhelmed
because I'm pretty "unlucky"
The truth is
I like working and talking to people.
I'm happy with it.

I used to often chat with people regularly
but that often led to times
where I forget my tasks.
where a couple of hours
would've made it that much better to me
To be honest, I m a quite forgetful person
and easily distracted with certain things cough
But going back to the main subject of the essay
I'm not talking about this
to try and get some kind of
sympathy vote from you guys.
Although anything kind or supportive
will not go unappreciated
But the whole point is
that anxiety is more common than you think
and if you've been suffering in silence
or relate to anything I've said
or who have let it gradually
build over the years and
spiral out of control like it did for me
Then please, please, please
make an appointment with your local general practitioner
and just talk about it
I know people who have dealt with anxiety
just by talking to people about it
You don't need to suffer alone
there are plenty of us out there
Seeing as anxiety is caused by
your body overproducing adrenaline
as soon as I saw the doctor
and explained my situation
he prescribed me with some tablets that lower the adrenaline output
and I've felt, like, really good ever since.
I know this has been quite a serious topic
but I didn't think wacky lines
and jokes left and right
would be suitable
for the subject matter
This has been on my chest
for a long, long time
So I'm glad I've finally got it out there
I hope this has been helpful,
interesting or eye opening for you
and good luck to all of you out there
who are dealing with similar issues.

See you soon.

Bye.

Is it weird to know of thoughts
when the air is silent
as if the world is deafened
by your awakening.

And yet
Nights are silent
Only lights that blinds
stayed aside my heavy shoulders
washing out the noise:
the sound of laughter
the astounding crowd
binded with memories

And my tears fell
yet no sorrow surfaced
as i am conscious
Making me wonder

was it regret
of hearts i break?
or dreams unfulfilled?

Maybe its unforgiving one.
as myself been towards me
for things yet i had to do.

Glistens and gazing,
Faded,
with eyes shining
like stars of innocence.
Embracing each other,
believing words of dreams,
when they looked at the mirror.

"Beloved and perfect!
With no strings to hold!"

Yet they still binded,
with guilt and fears.
Tight and maddening.

And the melodies of joy,
continue to play,
smiling their life away.

I changed my profile picture.
Black.
Rainbow.
Not something that who i am.
We didn't have to, right?

I shared a photo.
I was the 100th like.
I used a hashtag.
Hell, i created a hashtag!

I was angry for the whole two weeks.
I wore a badge.
I drew a horse of all black at my bag.
I want everyone to know
That i know about Uganda.
#spreadtheword

I dropped cold water on my head
I was freezing. I was shivering.
That was fun.
Because they all said that.

I stood by Syria, sitting and clicking 'play'
On a screen hundreds of miles away.
Have you heard how bad it is in Syria?
It is like, pretty bad.
My status went out for it.
I tweeted a famous quote.
It is my favourite one.
Its the one i go to
When i google,
"Stuffs that make me look deep"

I obviously fought.
I obviously contributed.
When great tragedies came,
What did YOU do?

Pain struck upon his ****** head,
his broken heart, his reddish eyes
Yet it makes him stronger,
Keeps him walking
Into the jaws of death,
Into the mouth of hell.

For what's sweeter than her eyes?
Smile that wrinkled her cheeks?
And the warm embrace that she gives?

Man by man asked for his woes,
His pain and tears.
He gave them a stare and spitted,
"Sick as hell,
but not this soul."

Deep inside, he cried
"Ease will come,
With joy and hope.."

"..but not today,
Not today"

Bleaked lights,
Probing above those bright eyes,
In the embrace
Of loving hearts.

Living with a thought,
"Hatred gathers around,
Yet replied,
A recurring love."

True, I tend to annoy,
Making sense of dead horses.

True, I tend to ignore,
Spin a tale for another thought.

But marks still remain.
I'll live with this guilt,
This stress and this regret.
Along with everything that I lost,
And some that I know
I will soon lose.

But you won't know.
Won't mind or remember.
Go on with your life.
Bright and happy.

All this pain,
All this void.
I'll live with it.
Face it in each blink,
Each thought in my mind.

Because I know,
its always been me.

Because I know,
World ain't that easy.

But I will smile,
Full of content and happiness.
Because I won't
Let you know
What on my shoulders,
Drag you down with me.

For all you had done,
Whether its good or bad,
For worst or better,
I'll forgive.
I'll felt grateful.

Will redemption can I ever get?

For when a leader finish his job,
People will say,
People will remember,
"Its happened naturally."
"We done it ourselves".

True, people come and go,
But stories inside,
I will never tell.

To lone hearts and broken spears
Eyes closed mouth agape
Stuttering, shuddered in fear.

What are you doing here?
Joyous hints
Plain love in blue skies
Coughed a pure tremor
In his humor, tasteless
But I ain't no judge.
Wide smiles tore my heart
Nothing but a butter knife
Sweet but swelled.

Release my hand.
For the heart is all I had.
But lies was what I gave.

A Wolf's hide,
Devoured,
Poured over the lambs' tears.

A loving hell in a Rouen march,
Far north and some miles behind,
Thence tipped and spared,
Making a way
For ides and blinds,
Could you see the man behind?

Fallen ideals,
Became elidible and fractured.
Plead not to be read
But to be planted
within the bearers of hearts
Steps by steps
Build a great arch
Of ignorance, of illiterate tears.

A peaking answer,
A broken language.

Dream your way through my mind
Find answers but questions
Perhaps perhaps

Sometimes the lifeboat
Which our hope is tethered
Is but a floating feather
Blown in zephyrs
In the soaking weather

The mist and the smoke envelop
A mystery, a missed envelope
An unopened letter

Wrote instead of
Letting these emotions
Go through the motions, ever.
Hope came to cope,
A mechanism
Letting us get rid
Of the foreboding peril.

Say no to the Devil
To the toad in the hole,
That we know can control.
On a whole new level,
Mill wheel turning,
Fear will turn into cheer
Chilled, flowing in vessels

How long have we known each other?
Would you rather go alone instead of
Getting thrown together,
Ghostly
In a lonesome bed
I bet it goes through your head, huh?

If we won't keep our head up
And we don't keep ahead
Then, we'll recede to the seas
That are deep below these heavens,
Knees trembling

He sees us...

For a hesitant moment there,
I was froze in terror
With a phobic tremor
That stoic heroics
Never extinguish
Spoken in most elegance

Flash! Lightning, fires fade
Ash, rising, sky ablaze

Some of us die
And raise higher
Others just lie in wait
In a hiding place
With a fright
Eyes agape and gazing vacant
Waiting patiently
Aimless paced
To syncopated beats
We need to face
Things we hate to see,
Embrace the things we hate
To say we need,
And that's hard to do,
How can we start anew?
When it feels like
Just half-way through
The last chapter,
the last part,
and now we're starting two

But in my heart of hearts I knew
That this is what I've got to do
True. And when I'm at home
I'll never be alone with you
You tenderly approach
Your presence is a glow

Put a hand on my shoulder, friend
And hold me, hold me, hold me close

Bruised,
Felt the sweat,
A ****** rose in my mouth.
Tending us to matter.

For what purpose did we exist
Other than to serve?
And we talked more,
Things that left,
Things that bothers,
Yet not things to come?

Losing in a train
A thought, few figures.
Lay it on me.

Forgot to care,
To hint the broken heart.
Forgive me
Yet embrace me
For we are held together,
To grow old together.
But my soaked crown
Kept my head inside.
Hidden my sight,
Shatter my voice.

Leave me be
In mending wounds
Renew sinews
In a creaking rock-a-bye.

Leave my head be,
Where my hat took off,
Blown off
By gust of memories,
Broken and hunched,
Laying off a chance,
To close my eyes.
To live in your heart.
To meet my maker.