At some point I realised that
I will just always be sad
Yes, joyful too but
I will never get over this
I will always miss you
Deeply
I will always cry
When I remember you
When I miss you
I will always feel the sadness
With every joyful new thing I do
With every memory I hold
It just is
It just is sad

Perfectionism is draining your thoughts
Ideas
Mental capacity and
Emotions
In order to never get it right
Never be quite satisfied and
Always question your choices
Over and over again
Perfectionism is rushing and
Never having time to do all the things
And yet perfectionism is painstakingly
Slow and never ending
Perfectionism is not loving yourself
Is not seeing that the best you can do
Is good enough
Is striving for a level of excellence that
Leaves the job perpetually unfinished and Unloved
Perfectionism is wholly unsafe
But
Loving yourself enough
To live with ‘good enough’
Is
Just
Perfect

You’re embrace
makes the world disappear
You arms around me
Makes my body melt and soften
Your hold spreads a slowness that moves outward like liquid nitrogen
If liquid nitrogen were warm instead
Everything slows down and stops
Arresto momentum
Your words and eyes
Melt hard spikes of metal
Ones that have grown
quicker than realised
in my throat and chest

You asked me to trim your nails
And we both knew
It would be the last time you ever had your nails cut
But we didn’t say it
I wanted it to be be the most relaxing experience
I wanted it to be an act of care
An act of love
It was
An act of preparation
Preparation of death and feeling ready and neat and loved, right down to your finger nails
I remember you cried
I remember I held in the tears
I held you this time
Daughter, holding mother
I will always remember that
Holding your soft hands
And you holding mine

Once filled with joy, hope and
Enormous energy
I am suddenly
Empty balloons scattered about
One my heart
One my womb
My body has deflated
My soul has gone flat
I am empty

Pieces of her
Pieces of heart
Hands
Skin
Her joy

Pieces of you
Likeness
Only likeness
But still
I collect you
And gather you up
And soak in any aspect of her
Because I am longing
Longing for her touch
Her hand on my brow
Her heart
Her joy

But there’s nothing
Quite like your heart
Hands
Skin
Smile
Endless love

But still
I collect mothers
If you are honoured enough
To be even a little bit like her

I long for you
I crave you
I miss you

I wish you knew how wonderful you are
I wish you knew how you smooth my bones
My heart
And my soul
I wish you knew just how your smile
Your walk
Your
Look
At me
Makes my heart breathe and expand
I wish you knew your influence
I wish you knew you’re greatness
Your skill
Your power to soothe and dissipate Tension
I wish you knew your talent
Your gorgeousness
Your way
And how it melts the hardest of hearts
I wish you knew just how wonderful
You
Are