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A Howell Dec 2021
sometimes, i wish you would die.

i wish that you would close your eyes and see my face haunting your dreams, causing sleepless nights.
i wish that you couldn't eat your favourite food anymore without feeling sick to your stomach because it makes you think of me.
i wish that you would die so you would experience even an ounce of the pain that you caused me.

sometimes, i wish i would die.

i wish that i would have fought you harder, said "no" a little louder, been a little stronger.
i wish i could love someone again without being terrified that they're just like you.
i wish that i would die just so i would never have to think about you ever again.

sometimes i wish we were both dead, so nobody would ever have to know that i thought this way.
being a victim is hard, especially when you blame yourself for feeling certain ways. i've tried to stop blaming myself for these feelings.
Jan 2021 · 202
out of order
A Howell Jan 2021
to say the least
i’m a little confused
why i gave you

all of my nickels,

all of my dimes,

and every last penny,

but in return i get
nothing but a neon

because like your heart
this machine is out of order
Jan 2021 · 1.8k
Nicotine and Wine
A Howell Jan 2021
your lips remind me of the bottle of rosé
we shared on a cold November night,
full-bodied and lush
when i kiss you, i taste hints of citrus.

my lips on yours, full of passion, burning,
it reminds me of the cigarette you smoked
during the intermission of the play we watched last January,
as bright red embers, burn bright, keeping you warm.

you are my addictions,
my nicotine and wine.
Jul 2020 · 53
A Howell Jul 2020
I watch you everyday,
go through the same routine.
I am a puppet master,
pulling on your strings,
watching you move in the same way everyday,
as if you’re a robot,
programmed to experience life, but not to live it

press X to wake up,
X to take medications,
X to skip breakfast.
I play this game everyday,
and as much as i want to choose dance in the rain or go see friends.
i cant bring myself to do it.

you deserve this life,
this life of solitude,
this life of mundane tasks and emotional pain,
you deserve to cry when you look in the mirror
you deserve to be messed with,
you ******* deserve it, and you know it.
I know it.

but life is hard,
when you’re the puppet.
Apr 2020 · 49
Line One
A Howell Apr 2020
your hands grab my wrist
maybe youre falling
its a crowded train
we can all barely breathe
everyone is touching everyone
backs leaning on backs
its normal
its fine
but something about your hold is different
it lingers
hands on my hips
pushing yourself onto me
not once
not an accident
again and again
up and down
up and down
my heart races
i cant move
i try to get off the train
you hold me back
i cant breathe
i cant move
maybe at the next station
you continue
we arrive at the next station
i wait until the last possible minute
i run out
i run out of your grasp
i dont look back
i should have looked back
i cant breathe
is it my fault?
am i a magnet?
to the men who dont know me
but who choose to know my body.

— The End —