i tried to fix you, my darling
by pouring my love in to your crevices and cracks
but by the time you recovered and departed
there was no love for me left

when your first "boyfriend" breaks up with you
put down the can of frosting
forget the melodramatics
don't buy the jesse mccartney ringtone
skip to the part where you make out with your best friends neighbor
trust me
when your next boyfriend cheats on you
put down the razor
where did you even learn that?
don't take him back
it doesn't matter that "you gave him everything"
you will have given everyone after him everything as well
When your first high school boy doesn't love you back
move on
or you will forever be the crazy girl
he may be charming and have a mesmerizing smile
but you will do dispiciple things along the way to have him
those stolen moments
will not be worth the awkward moment(s) with his girlfriend(s)
When your second high school boy doesn't love you back either
wait it out
it will happen,
on multiple occasions
but know when to move on
because waiting gets old
When you fall for your **** buddy
don't decide to make that your "slutty year"
because one year is a long time in high school
hide away in your dark room
watch charlie st. cloud on repeat
when your friends try to cheer you up-let them
the feelings will go away, but he will not
so know when to say no
but you can say yes, too
however, don't abandon real people for fake intimacy
When you fall for your friend
don't ******* tell anyone
you know it will never happen, ever
stop trying
for the love of God, stop trying
And When you think you've found what you've been looking for
turn around
go back up north
it was all a trap
*trust me

tomorrow is not promised

only predicted

but do not blame the weather man

if it is not 75 and breezy

hurricanes come along

so always carry an umbrella

but don't always walk around with it open

or else you'll never meet the sun

////March 20 2014 /////
Fainting spells
are more common
when I'm trying
to memorize how
****** got into power
Sighing is more
common
when I'm trying
to learn the
art of polynomials
crying is more
common when I have
two tests tomorrow
and I still need
to start that essay
that was given
yesterday
madness is when
I have to understand
that my sadness
is a genetic disposition
I could never control
Disappointment is more
common when I have
to yet again cancel
the plans I made
with my friends
But still
even
after a week of doing
this ****
the only thing
I learned
is that knowledge
isn't found in
a textbook
and a power point
presentation

I was raised in a strictly religious household and I privately thought that being gay was okay but I knew that most people in my religious community disagree. I admitted to myself when I was about 17 (I'm 18 now) that I was attracted to girls (I'm also Gray-A, meaning I experience limited ****** attraction) and this year I came out to a few close friends. My parents views on LGBT rights (that is, that "being gay is a choice" and "gays are destroying the sanctity of marriage", etc) influence me heavily, but in a negative way- they make me feel unsafe and I know I can't come out to them now or they might kick me out (my mom told my sister once that if any of us were gay we wouldn't be welcome. she also referenced my trans friend as being 'confused' and things like that).
The 8 or so friends I've told have been accepting but I know they see me differently and I feel uncomfortable telling boys because there's an expectation that lesbians are more inclined to ****** activity (think lesbian ****) and are often fetishized, things like that.
I still go to church but it makes me miserable because people hate gays there and make insensitive comments, not realizing that they make me feel pretty terrible for being who I am. I've also suffered from major depression for about 6 years and part of what made it worse throughout junior high and high school was having to suppress my identity and the constant fear I face in my home and community. You never know who's going to hate you, reject you, or even attack you for being gay. The internet (tumblr, mainly) provides a more welcoming community than I find elsewhere so at least I have that forum to express myself.