i'm trying to think of something to write about,
but you wont leave my head,
and i've already got half a library full,
of poems about you..

*****

beauty is the mind,
the subtle tickings
and whirrs,
that make up thoughts.

trace the lines of your body,
with my hand by yours,
and take me to a different world,
unknown to most,
but known to most,
and tell me how to touch,
and tell me how to kiss,
and tell me how to love you.

because i don't know what the **** to do.

it doesn't matter if you think i'm thin

because to me,

all that matters is the number on the scale.

i'm trying to be positive,
but this week has ******* ******,
and it's brought out,
the worst parts of me,
that aren't temporary feelings,
due to hormones,
but instead hidden ideas,
that i'm strong enough to keep from you.

and so i'm scared to talk to you about these issues,
and so i'm being indirect,
and so i'm scared of myself,
and so i'm scared of my capabilities,
and so i'm scared of my knives,
and so i'm scared of my razors,
and so i'm scared of my thoughts,
and so i'm scared of killing myself.

i reach so far,
to try to grasp that one moment,
that's been gone for so long.
but everytime,
i lose my balance,
and i
             f
                
       a

                      l

               l


L.O.

i come from middle class,
i've been given everything i ever wanted,
my parents love me unconditionally,
they pay a college amount of money for my highschool,
they've supported me throughout my entire life,

and yet:
i cannot get even average grades,
i hate how i look in the nice clothes my mother buys,
i don't eat much of the home cooked meals laid in front of me,
i don't sleep well at night in my warm bed,
i'm still not cured even with medication,
i'm still not cured even with therapy,
i hurt the body my mother gave me,
i break my parents' hearts everyday,
i cannot see the light in life,
and one day i will leave.

at six thirty every morning,
i wake up and turn my body
towards my alarm that's blaring,
i shut it off and realize
that i didn't wake up next to you.

something about her
puts a fire in my chest,
and makes me feel so
angry that i become
sick.

it's the fact she had you
when i should've,
and she didn't treat you
like the treasure you are.

and i swear if i ever see her,
i'll walk right up and
fake a smile,
shake her hand (if she so allows),
and let her know that i'm treating you
better than she could have ever even tried.

so much blood
oranges,
from the late summer nights spent awake.

so many scars
on the kneecaps of children,
fallen on hot pavement.

so much hatred
of green head flies,
buzzing in the hot air.

so many ways out
of the corn maze,
far into the field.

so much pain
from sunburns,
from being out in the sun too long.

                                                                    so many suicid-
                                                                    al thoughts,
                                                                    created over that summer.

wearing the finest robes,
i sit on a coward's throne,
adorned with jewels on my head,
lies my crown of bone.
when i stand,
all must kneel,
and if you're a rebellious swine,
there are ways to make you squeal.
with the slight of my hands,
a child will die,
and the mother will watch,
and the brother shall cry.
my breakfast is gold,
and lunch: the peoples' hopes,
dinner are those who defy me,
who can be found hanging by ropes.
now leave me be,
for i have a kingdom to rule,
and if you dare go against me,
you're a ******* fool.

i am crawling on hand and knee,
hoping to draw attention,
to cause a distraction,
so that you may slip away
                                                        and find safety.

a black cat crossed the road today,
right in front of my car,
it stopped and looked at me for a moment,
and burned a hole that turned to a scar.

i continued to drive down the street,
and i didn't worry a bit,
because i knew any bad luck i'd meet,
i would ******* deserve it.

when they pulled out your body, you were almost unrecognizable.

soft, peach-colored skin i used to kiss had peeled off into a blueish-grey.

your body, bloated, from the time you spent under.

oh i wonder what you were thinking during your very last moments here.

the police tell me the water removed all traces of evidence.

i'm so sorry that the last time i saw you alive, i told you to leave.

and you did.

my heart has become calcified,
and it's begun to sink into other vital organs,
i've tried telling my doctors,
but all they do is give me pills,
and they don't numb the pain,
of this weight inside of my chest,
and sometimes i can feel it,
the subtle yanking of strings,
strings that are supposed to be attached,
to my most private *****,
and strings that are supposed,
to be keeping it in my chest,
and not allowing it to sink,
and crush my stomach,
and rip a hole through my insides,
and **** me.

cold hands touch lips,
slip down a neck and fade into collar bones,
and completely sink below a ribcage,
and come back out alive,
along sharp hip bones,
still just as cold,
and still moving downwards,
but they warm up once they
                  reach their destination.

my mother always used to tell me,
"you don't have a soul,
you're a person,
you are one."
but aren't i supposed to feel light?
graceful and weightless?
all feel is an anchor,
*holding me and pulling me under.

greetings once again
from me to my only friend,
within this card i do send
a note with an amend.
saying the fault was mine,
that i knew you weren't "fine",
and instead letting you cry,
i stayed away to wallow in my own brine.
this is me trying to save,
the friendship that i gave,
to you the street i paved,
for our feelings not to fray.
**to you i know i'm dull,
but i just wish for you to mull
over thoughts inside your skull,
and to sleep our memory will lull.

i don't want to grow,
i want to wither & fall,
to the ground,
and sink into a dirt infinity.

your lips curled up at the corners,
into what could be considered a "smile",
and you revealed your eroding teeth,
worn down and blackened to the roots,
i could smell the bile of words on your breath,
and i could hear the sound of truth and your morals,
being grounded up and swallowed back down.

it's too late to eat,
that's too much to eat,
that's too little to eat,
why don't you eat?

i haven't been on much
because my grandfather just died,
and i have to go to church
tomorrow,
even though i'm jewish.

my eyes reach out past the tree line,
and crawl up over the mountains beside,
and tumble down into the glacier springs,
that dig deep paths into the ice,
that flow freely into the ground,
and purify themselves,
in a way which my eyes should be.

these words mean nothing and
should just be considered a
blank space in which anyone can put
their deepest thoughts into.

i should've crashed_the car the night_i drove alone_

ring around the rosey
i heard you were a phony
ashes, ashes,
they were ******* right.

let's take a moment
to peel back our skins,
and open up our muscles
and crack our bones,
and see if our insides
are as ****** up as our

*outsides.

i feel my presence is much like Gangrene,
i am parasitic,
i am a debilitating disease
in your bones that breaks
them apart and gradually kills
you from the inside
out.

i don't wanna tell you

face : face

about my insecurities regarding

your
        e
            x                    e
                           v          r
but i can't get o

how she can see you more

than i can.

i'm scared of my imbalances
within my cerebral chemicals,
that the doctors try to fix with
pills and a locked room
with no windows and only
a bed that feels like paper,
with no strings allowed in pajama bottoms,
and blood being drawn every day,
then given a slap on the wrist,
and sent out on the false promise of
"i'll never do it again."

you tell me you wish to develop cancer
I hate you for saying that

my mother is dying from brain cancer
and you have the audacity
to say you wish the same for yourself

I pray to any higher being
that you learn how much
you've hurt me for saying that

you says things to me
that always catch me off my guard,
like the other day when we were in your bed,
and you told me i was "beautiful."
and i told you i couldn't respond,
or even think of something to say,
to the wonderful compliment you gave me.

but that one time that you told me,
you thought i was how a girl should be,
your idea of a girl atleast,
i went home that night and i wanted to die.

no i am not
what my father was/is
and what my mother was/is,
i am not even a combination of
the two,
instead i am alien
to my family tree,
because everyone related
have done well in life.

do you know how to feel,
while not feeling real?
or is even feeling at all,
a real feeling?

can you steal a feeling?
can you feel someone stealing,
your feelings?

is this even comprehendible?

i'm up still and my body aches,
and my chest hurts,
and my bones quake.
~
something inside came out today,
it tore through my skin,
and lead me astray.
~
it made a hole when it left,
and it wont close up,
and i don't know how to fix it,

i'm so ******.

you had a home once,
not sure for how long.
but long enough to grow holes,
and begin to fade.

you were loved once,
maybe by a child,
or and adult stuck in their past.

your family abandoned you once,
left you in a plastic bag.
under their dresser,
to rot.

you were alone once,
for seven years so i've been told.
and you began to erode,
and you began collect dust.

you were found once,
and taken away.
you were cleaned,
and given a new home.

                                               you were loved again.

atleast i know,
that you'll move on fast.
and that you'll grow,
and leave me in the past.

i can't make you remember,
i can't make you forget,
when we first met in december,
hearts filled with regret.

i'd hoped for something longer,
something lovely,
something *stronger.

i don't know what it is exactly,
to the human eye it looks like smoke,
or a shadow of someone that has gone off course,
it likes to sit in my nana's rocking chair,
and stare across the room at me,
it has a tendency to chuckle or groan,
but it has no mouth,
whatever it is:
it seems to have one move left,
and i have none.