What time is it? I don't even know
Lemme just think so you won't let go
Take another drag
'nother hit
never quit
your love is like a drug & I'm addicted

Cause that nic is a tik & a tok
of a clock
so lemme rewind like the sound when you ****
the bullet
the gun
my ***

I'm sorry but I'm not yet done
when you say that you love me
do you really mean it?

Cause this sounds like a movie and I've already seen it.

you say you love me, and then you don't talk to me for months. you say you care about me, so why haven't you checked in on me?

| you're a liar |

When I talk to you,
the world around us
just stops
it stops spinning,
people stop moving,
and it’s just you and me
here,
together

all I see is you,
all my troubles
doubts
and worries are left behind

because in this time
all that matters is you.

4/26/21
Dear Mike,

Do you still love me? Because when you said you wouldn't have enough time for a relationship, and that it was unfair to me, I believed you. It was difficult as first, but I started to move on, and get better. I was happy and felt as if I could handle a relationship. But then I found out that you had a new girlfriend. And it broke me. I was upset, confused, and sad. I didn't understand how you could make time for her but not for me. I thought to myself, "Why am I not good enough? How and why is she better than me?" And then I found out that she wrote a book, and that hurt even more, because you know that I write.

And the more I think about it, the more I realize that the breakup was one-sided. You broke up with me, and I convinced myself that it was mutual. So now I'm sitting here thinkng, was she one of the reasons we broke up? Did you not want to be with me anymore? And Mike, did you ever try to reach out to me? Because I don't think you did. At least, it doesn't feel like you did. And what hurts even more is that I still love you. And if you asked me to be your girlfriend, I would say yes without any hesitation. I didn't get any closure, and so far, all it's done is hurt me. I still keep the polaroids in a box under my bed, along with everthing else that I wrote for/about you, and the matching anklet. Do you still wear yours? Or did you throw it away when you started dating her? Do you still keep out the painting that I made for you? Do you wish deep down that you still had a picture of us together?

Or do you regret dating me? Do you regret loving me? When did you move on? Was it easy? Or did you cry yourself to sleep most nights? Is she a rebound, or do you really love her? Did you talk about your future together like you did with me? What about the wedding, or baby names, or where you two would live? Did you talk about college with her, and how you would stick together through it all? Because I know that we talked about all of those things. I remember all of those conversations. I remember when I got a panic attack and we went on a walk in the middle of the night and played with lego figurines and ate goldfish and slept on your trampoline. I remember when I would start crying and you would just hold me. I remember how deeply in love we were. Do you?

I'm thinking about publishing my poetry, by the way.

Love, Em

Not telling me you care
Not responding
Not asking me if i’m okay
Never being the first one to talk
Not saying anything when I text you at night
Making me feel worthless
Making me hate my life
Lying
Making me sad
Making me feel like I care about you and like you more than you care about me and like me
Making me feel like it was my fault
Being the highlight and the lowlight of my day
Letting me down
Making me feel left out
Making me cry myself to sleep

I’m not afraid
of your darkness

But I am
afraid of
mine.

why is everything longer now that I don't have you next to me?
<3 Em,
         forever & always

you are my never showing sunshine

im sorry i broke your heart.

you
    noun.

Something I loved deeply,
but lost deeper.

my vision is blurry,
my music is static,
my phone isn't buzzing,
for i am alone in my world of
dark,
black,

nothingness.

I feel like I can’t write
like i’m nothing

i’m always tired
always needing
or longing

for comfort
or love

is it a relapse?
maybe i’m just lonely…

no
it’s probably a relapse

you say you love me yet you make me cry. you say you want to make me feel safe and welcomed at your house yet you dont do anyting to make a change. you say you want to spend time with me yet you dont make plans. you say that me and my sister come before everything else yet you would rather work or be with your girlfriend.

love your heartbroken daughter

Once upon a time, the good guy lost. Overtook with silence, dispair, and defeat. Evil looked Good in the eyes and said, "No, not this time." Evil walked away, leaving Good to dry in the sun. Jack, you lying son of a b*tch. You may have won this battle, but wars don't end there. Watch out, cause I'm stronger than ever and filled with confidence and willpower that you cannot take away. So, Evil may have won in chapter 3 of this tale, but darling, there are so many pages left .

what is this life worth?

is it worth the clothes on my back
or the money in my pocket?

is it worth the friends that i have gained
and the lovers i slept with?

is it worth the tears that have fallen
or the smiles i have spread?

what is life worth?

It's gotten to the point where I can barely write. I broke when I saw you at that first rehearsal. I couldn't handle it. I still haven't recovered.

He said that he would catch her
Come, he said
I’ll catch you

So she jumped
But he saw another
And left her to break

He said he would
Break my fall,
He lied, and I died.

What makes love?
   love can't be built, but it can be found.
Well then how do you find it?
   by not trying to look for it.

Roses flood in the stream
As he brushes his hands
Over the water

His eyes are plastered in her mind
As she watches a smile
Soften his face

They used to dream of each other
Of meeting and touching and hearing

And now that they have that,
They are so deeply in love.

i saw him today,
walking by

i wanted to call his name,
or for him to look over
across the street,
and see me

i think i miss him,
but maybe not

after all,
you can’t erase feelings

you can’t erase love

i wonder if he misses me,
probably not

but i can’t go back,
i just

can’t.

and for the first time,
she was at peace
within
herself.

but i can't stop thinking about him and how he's loving her and kissing her and hugging her and looking at her like he did with me.

You always say that you have to go… but is it just that you don’t want to talk to me over text anymore? because … i gtg, bye

when will i be good enough
will i be good enough when i get straight a's
or when i graduate at the top of my class
or when i have a job
or when i have lots of friends
or when i dont make mistakes
or when i get enough sleep
or when i can finally play that one piece in symphonic band

when will i be good enough
when can i finally say that i was sucessful

i want to be good enough

but i dont know how to get there

"what's wrong?"
                "nothing and everything at the same time."

his eyes
burn into her's
yet she does not look back
because if she does,
her heart,
will break once again.

"you're beautiful!"
       - he said
                        "thank you."
                             - i reply
          "no i'm not."
                 - i think to myself

and in that moment
she knew she would never see him again
would never hold his hand
hear his voice
or kiss his lips

in that moment,
she broke.

I'm drowning,
in my own tears
but you,
are walking on them.

It’s Christmas Eve,
and I’m ignoring my family
because it doesn’t feel right
to be out there
nothing feels right

I brush my fingers
through my hair,
trying to think
of what to write

Because right now,
I would rather be
with my friends for Christmas
but that’s just me

And this poem
may be bad,
but that’s just because,
there’s no inspiration
in my head
and I want
to go to bed;

So goodnight to all,
and to all a good night.

She caught his staring
again, and again
but he doesn't
stop staring,
because he wants to come back,
but she won't let him
and that breaks her,
more than it breaks him.

I’m climbing,
always climbing
the wall of knowledge

but I think,
that I’ve been climbing
the wrong wall

the wall of love,
is calling my name,
and I see yours
at the top

So, I start climbing the wall
to get to you,
but this wall is so much taller,
and I can’t seem,
to climb is without you

So please help me,
and reach out your hand, and pull me to top
of the Wall of Love,

and let me,
lace my fingers
between yours

Because who cares
what say they say,
what they do,
when all I want

Is to be with you

My one wish,
Is to let our hands collide,
with our fingers entwined

Help my wish come true,
and my heart
will forever belong to you.

Drowning in a salty lake
A lake of my own tears

I weep when I see
The swan shimmering in the sun

I wish I could be like you, I say.

Healing is a process
in which one must live
through the pain

Even on the darkest days
they must find a light
to guide them

Healing is a process
in which one must forget
the bad times
and the good times

One must learn from those
mistakes
memories
feelings

You have to hide away
the pain and the guilt

Stuff the memories
and gifts
and pictures
and keepsakes

In a box
under your bed
or in the back of your closet

I pushed away those feelings
and the memories of him
of us
and replaced it with the love from and for
my friends
family
and myself

I will love myself more
than you had ever loved me

I will be strong
for those who are still weak

and when someone brings you up
I'll say

"Oh yeah, I know him. He used to be a friend of mine."

But now he's a memory

Now he's a stranger

From which I must heal.

Through all this noise and color,
I’m the only one
who is silent
and faded

My skin shows up black and white,
like and old, forgotten tv show

Although I am not old,
I am forgotten
I am passed, by the ones who
loved me
cared about me
laughed with me

but most importantly,
by you

The zoo,
is no place
for someone who is forgotten
or someone who is old news

The zoo you said,
is not a place
for someone as dull
As you.

I search for you
in the shadows of the trees
and under the light of the stars

illuminated by the street lamps
is a heart on the pavement

in pieces

I search for you
night after night

Even though
I knew you won't be there.

But still,
I expect to see you
sitting on the hill,
waiting,
smiling,
longing for my touch.

Every day without you
is a day I wish not to live

I can't breath
when you are gone

I cry at night,
under the covers in which we laid

I search for your body next to me,
only to find the cold sheets,
thrown away from me,
like you had gotten up,
and never returned.

What lies in your head, my love?
is it
regret
sorrow
pain
love
indifference
numbness,
or have you forgotten,
the way I loved you?

And the way you loved me more.
come home, darling,
and rest your heavy heart,
on my shoulder.

Tuesday, 4/20/21 @ 8:21pm

What does heartbreak feel like,
you ask

Well,
it feels like some is ripping you heart,
out of your chest
it feels like dying,
from the inside out

Darkness,
becomes your best friend
and nobody else can make you feel better.

What happes when we die?
Where do our minds go?
Do they wander through our skull?
or just shut down once they enter the coffin?