Primetime TV is asinine;
Intellectual cyanide.
Empty like a home in Palestine,
And corrosive like an alkaline:
It's the software for the poor.
Subliminally shutting your doors
Of perception,
While they pump the town full of more --
More liquor stores
And two cent ******,
Deadbolted doors
Adorned with gang graffiti
Where the government ignores.
So how can I sleep
When all these kids never eat?
And where's the sweeps
For the bodies in the streets?
They'll just pour more concrete
Over our homes.
Gentrified zones,
Minorities in tow.
High interest loans.
Money's dried up,
Foreclosure and drones
Dropping tear gas on the protesters;
Arresting anyone not in their homes
Please tell me, how can I atone
For the sins of a system
That riddles the world with victims?
This is the modern vista
The ghetto is everywhere
The aftermath of an affair
Between the elite
And their federal clientele.
Predatory lending,
Bailouts, drop outs,
A culture without.
Humanitarian drought.
Where's the empathy?
The love?
The care and clemency?
A solution for this endemic peasantry?
Man, I wish I knew.
I wish the numbers weren't true,
And I wish the sunrise brought a nice view,
Instead of billboards and condemned buildings,
Abandoned homes, potholes, ****, and trash:
The ashes of a golden age long past.

There is a look that you used to get in your eyes which I cannot to this day quite accurately describe. It was the night prowler, passing by the downstairs window, peeking in. Evaluating the locks. Evaluating the distance between the front door and the valuables.

I made it so easy to get in. I kept the windows open, and my eyes shut. I kept the doors unlocked.

When you touched me, you went away. I was not a woman, I was the chemicals responding in your brain. Ironically, for a burglar, you hated any part of me which suggested that I was something of great value. You hated the individuality tattooed to my skin. What is a womans body if it does not look like the last woman's body you used to touch and go away from? You hated the reminder that we are not all the same, and we do not exist to release chemicals in your brain.

I colored my hair red. Like wine. Like the lipstick you said looked "too heavy." I inked roses into my ribcage and between my ******* and I kept you at a safe distance, that is to say, too far away to ever touch me again.

The windows are locked.
The doors are deadbolted.
I moved homes, I moved cities.
You'll never get close enough to give me that look;
You'll never taste wine, or feel the ends of my hair between your fingertips while we watch a movie.
You'll never trace the shapes of roses.

You

Will never see me

Again.

I knew you before I knew myself.
Before I had truly become myself.
You were always there,
a mere thought in the back of my mind.
I never noticed how much I relied
on seeing your trusting eyes to keep me going,
I still think of you sometimes,
how I clung onto you like a lifeline.
How I never should have done that,
I wasn’t yours to fix
I'm no ones to fix but myself

I have to STOP relying so much
On the breathing of others to save me
I know now that's why you left
Its the only thing I can think of

I think I'm better now
Not completely
But more aware of who I was before
Less selfish maybe
Trying
Hoping
More scared though
Maybe freer
My words still get stuck in my throat
A locking door, deadbolted
But s o  m  e   t   i    m    e     s,
Sometimes I can pick the lock

Its never unlocked for long though

I miss you
I don’t know if I’ve ever missed anyone more
I miss you so much sometimes
I know I shouldn’t
But I thought I could have loved you
And I can’t let that go yet

I don’t hear your name anymore
Unless I’m the one to say it
It doesn’t hurt to say anymore
More of an empty ache
One day I know I won’t need to mention
Want to mention you
One day it won’t still hurt that you left me
Because you did
You left
Without explanation
Refusing to explain
Why didn’t you just tell me
I would have tried to be better

I am better
It took longer than it should of
But no one was telling me what I was doing wrong
Instead, people just left
Again
Why do people always leave

I don’t think I can handle someone else leaving
I need to be perfect
I want to be perfect
I’m not perfect
In any way
I’ll never be perfect

And that’s why people leave
And I just have to deal with it
I have to learn to read the minds of the ones I lost
The ones who left without even a goodbye

Is it because I’m too sad?
Someone said that to me once
That I was too sad
and that it was my fault that they left
That I made them leave
How did I make them leave?
All I wanted was them to stay
I wanted to better for them
Why didn’t they tell me I was wrong?

It's hard to fix your brain when you don’t know what's broken
When you can feel something wrong
but you can’t find the issue

The virus that poisons me
Reaching into my head
My heart
Blackening it
Filling it with hatred
I don’t want to hate
I want to love
And be loved
And I want people to STop leaving
But they never do
People never stop leaving

Some days I want to be left behind
Maybe if I fold into myself
If I leave people first
Then it won’t hurt as bad
But I don’t want to
I want to be happy
Not happy like
A pill that lasts only a few hours
I want my happiness to replaced my sadness
My sadness to replace my happiness let them switch out
Live each other's lives for a while

Maybe then I can learn to be myself
___________

You shattered me into a million pieces
and I couldn't help but pick the scabs.
I didn't even know who I was when I finally left,
but I deadbolted the door and I walked away.

I walk on, with no destination in mind
but there is a treasure map with a glowing X
that says "healing."

When I call out to you,
I know what I really need
is to be validated,
understood, loved.

I now recognize
that no matter what I do,
you are not capable of giving me
what I need.

Tonight I will give myself
the compassion I tried to give to you.
Tonight I will give myself
the love I desire,
the love I deserve.