I met someone... well, not really ‘met’
But I’m talking to a girl that I met on one of those dating apps.
Everyday for the past week we’ve talked
And everyday my heart has smiled.
I think I might like her. I don’t know, it’s been a while.
I’ll probably mess it up anyhow.

I drink a lot
Different drinks for different reasons
Different times, and different seasons.
I like wine when I want to smile
whiskey when I wish to sleep
Gin for the times I wish to forget all the dark secrets I keep.
Some nights I want to die, that’s when tequila steps in
And beer when I want to be alone with my friends.
I drink a lot
Sometimes to no end.
I drink so that I have no money to spend.

I’ve been alone for quite sometime, why do I keep running back to you in my mind? I feel your touch upon my spine, your fingers interlock with mine. Why oh why am I imprisoned in this time, when loving you was my only crime?

Lately I’ve been feeling wild, vicious and violent.
The calls of my ancestors, the Vikings, have been screaming for me.
Lately I can drink without being drunk
I can fight without being hurt,
I long for a battle, in which I shall die a honorable death.
I feel the warrior within me begging to be free, and yet I hold him back as I’m stuck in limbo with no wars to fight.
Odin is near, I feel his breath on my back. I know soon I will have what I wish for. Maybe I’ll never come back

I remember this time of year being so full of wonder, and magic.
Now its a chore to pull a **** tree out of the attic.
what happened to the blissful impatience of Christmas as child?
Where does the magic go after a while?
I still see it around me, kids exploding from joy.
The carols on the radio were such beautiful noise.
I no longer the feel magic coming from Bing Crosby's voice
I see all the girls and all the boys begging mom and dad for toys.
Family comes together, the weather gets wetter...
and all the magic has died.

Tonight was about shower beer as I listened to "Careful now" by Copeland and contemplated my existence. Tonight I though about the distance between her and I caused by states and our minds.

Tonight I thought of Bukowski and how he said to "find what you love and let it **** you". What if I love too much, too many, too far? what if what I love is a burned out star? What if I can't reach that far? what then will my death be?

Tonight was about my son, as I couldn't grasp the years gone past (most of which I've missed). Will I be forgiven for my absence? Does he know why his Daddy is gone? what can he sense? How will I be able to present a reasonable excuse? Will he do better than I? or will he too walk away from me (like I did to my dad), as is justified?

Tonight I thought.... A lot.

All I want in this life is to be the hero you see in me... but I'm not, not even close. I wish so badly I could say that i was.
I wish I could say that I am more courageous than the coward inside of me.
I wish I was more than what people see, insecure, depressed, weak.
I wish I could stop running, and face down the beasts that torment me. Like a knight covered in blood, victorious from the feat, thats what I wish to be.
I am not brave, and I doubt I ever will be. But one day, son, I hope you know I'm fighting to be the Hero you see in me.