When I was about 8, living in St. Louis in a 4 family brownstone, I was sent to stay with Mom and Dad Ellis in Salem. One day some boys suggested we go down to the river which of course sounded like a fine idea. As we were walking along the river bank, we started being shot at by some other boys with BB guns. We ran in and next to the river to escape. Once I got back to the house I told mom Ellis what happened. It was at this point when she asked about my new shoes that I was wearing that were extremely wet. Busted. A few days later I was being put on the bus back to St. Louis when mom Ellis handed me an envelope to give my mother once I arrived home. Exiting the bus, my mother was waiting. I started crying and telling her I was sorry, as I again told the story of the wet shoes. I wanted to tell her before she read about it from mom Ellis. So much for honesty. Nothing in the letter about me, just an update on dad Ellis's health. Fears of a little boy.

Our children may falter in the journey of life,
Yet, there will always be hope,
Along with a light,
As we await their return.

Darkness takes many forms,
Taking you to places so unknown.
Sometimes it’s hard to return,
As the darkness overtakes the mind.
The body follows closes behind,
Until there is no return.
The End.

The pain controlled, yet my mind clouded.
Relief has its payment, for an active mind.
Slowed by the solutions, yet focused,
An odd clearness from behind the fog.

Craving sleep, yet not needed, or possible,
With the active mind of a crazed man.
So here I sit with my eyes on paper,
Looking for words to write to busy the mind.

Yet relieved the pain has lifted,
Hoping it’s the end, rather than just a break from the pain.
It comes, then goes for hours or days, sometimes weeks,
With little warning, just the pain.

In the end, even no pain,
The lingering numbness, from the drug,
Leaving the mind, clear within the fog, time passing by,
Wishing for sleep, that will not come.

hear the drumbeat now

jazz, blues, rock and far beyond

ginger baker rocks

Moving in the shadows
Searching for space
A place to lay my head
Perhaps a piece of bread.

new days come
Searching again for space
That I may lay my head
Perhaps a cup of coffee.

Night falls again as the day come to its end,
Looking close as my eyes go shut
So less fears as I awaken
In another homeless place.

Looking at changes
that approach in my journey,
I find in me an emptiness.

Answers I find, I know hold truth,
But my mind will not accept,
Fate as it will always win.

My life, when viewed,
Like crossing an expansive desert,
watching the sand, under my feet.

Looking back,
my foot prints have dissolved
into bits of nothingness.

Looking ahead,
there is no path,
to guide me.

Looking down, my imprint in the sand,
This moment is all I really have,
As we all do.

So savor the moment where you stand.
Choose your path wisely.

Regrets, I say, I have none, but what is regret. I say the past is gone and the future has yet to happen, so we only have this moment. Then reflecting back, thinking I could have done that better. Is this just a thought or is it a regret?

Regrets would make me want to change something of the past, but how will that effect my future. A moment of regret, then a change of path, then what of now, would it still be as it is. I am happy where I am, so a change would possibly change that.

So I will dream, then reminisce of the past, but savor with great pleasure the place I have come at this point in my journey.

A Christmas text
the only choice
to a long lost voice.

Loving her so dear,
a child so missed,
I try to send a Christmas wish.

As sweet words inked
the message link,
I felt proud to share my love of her.

About three lines were on the text
just as I write this down
and I burst in tears,
memories rushing back.

I hope she hears
or reads my words,
and knows my love.

I can take anything
she may bring to me,
cause any pain I feel,
is to not see her.

I have awoken at an early hour, Early morning or earlier than I want, but the gathering has begun. It appears in clusters as they say, as the pain gently taps, almost an absent thought, but if not aware, taking over all focus or any thoughts beyond the pain. I see the dark on the other side of the blade as I look over the edge of the crevasse trying not to go too far into the depth of my pain. It has been many years with a dance of doctors, drugs, along with a little experimentation along the way. A form of self-imposed self-medication. Avoiding the dark on of that side is to avoid the doctor's opiates advise.

May the teardrops
on your pillow
turn to Stardust,
carrying you
to your love,
in your dreams.

In years past, young boys became men early. Women were quiet, demur in their outward image.

Today, watching the actions of so many young men, they seem to have trouble developing into grown men, continuing in their youthful ways. Women have taken on a more commanding roll. Slowly gathering the wealth of the world from the young men who failed to become men. Hopefully in the long term, women will also help bring peace to the world.

Savor each moment, not because it may be your last, but because it may be the greatest moment in your life.

Tread softly as you venture into the dark mist of love and lust.
Searching out that moment of heat that brings passion.

The darkness that appears as a
dungeon in my mind,
It’s really just the hallways,
where the demons freely roam.

Looking to disturb a perfectly good day.
But as is always the case,
They must play alone,
Since they bore me with their dark world.

We seem to keep looking for something better in life. More money, a bigger house or a nicer car. Looking at the happiness in my life, I can have no regrets or the happiness I feel may not have been achieved. Take time to reflect on what you have. Do you really need more? When you leave this earthly place, you're taking nothing of physical substance with you. You leave as you came in, with nothing. So maybe you do have all you really need to live the rest of your life? Peace be with you this day.

We seem to keep looking for something better in life. More money, a bigger house or a nicer car. Looking at the happiness in my life, I can have no regrets or the happiness I feel may not have been achieved. Take time to reflect on what you have. Do you really need more? When you leave this earthly place, you're taking nothing of physical substance with you. You leave as you came in, with nothing. So maybe you do have all you really need to live the rest of your life? Peace be with you this day.

We seem to keep looking for something better in life. More money, a bigger house or a nicer car. Looking at the happiness in my life, I can have no regrets or the happiness I feel may not have been achieved. Take time to reflect on what you have. Do you really need more? When you leave this earthly place, you're taking nothing of physical substance with you. You leave as you came in, with nothing. So maybe you do have all you really need to live the rest of your life? Peace be with you this day.

Thoughts of what we really need to find happiness.

Never allow your expectations to get in the way of your happiness. Happiness is fulfillment.

For unknown real reasons, I find myself speaking of journeys. The term transitioning seems to be slipping into my vocabulary.

I read of finding enlightenment, but where is it found. Really, I never knew I had anything like enlightenment that was missing. Happiness seems to be what I want to add to life, whether my life or that of another. Life, meaning, another human, which is not a color, culture, political, religious or anything, just a human as in all Gods children.

So, is my happiness, my enlightenment? If not, it is of little matter to me, since my joy and happiness is at a level that I do not find the need to do more than continue in my journey and transition.

Peace be to you all and great blessing in your journey of life.

This is not a political message and yet I have approved it.

I was back reading all the humor in the news, you know politics. I was just wondering how many people suddenly reflected on someone that they personally avoided because of their radical thoughts, then suddenly they see them agreeing. Is this a bonding moment or do we rethink what we think is the correct position on the issue?


I will revisit this in a few days and see if after some sleep and rest, if the landscape improves in any direction. Beginning to feel like when I lived in Alaska but for a different reason.


There I needed a break from isolation and cold, well I guess it is closer to the same, than I thought. Peace be with you all as I return to the planet from which I came.

Sitting on the edge of reality in my altered state,
A place referred by me as near a Zombie like world.
Not functioning in a normal way,
But possibly leaning too far off the Edge of the blade,
keeping the true light of the reality of life in sight.

Time fly’s by as the year’s pass.
Looking to find what I have missed,
in this, life’s journey.
Looking back at my beginning.
Where it all began for me as a child.

Looking for friends from playgrounds.
Acquaintances of the past, that I have missed.
In a town, I once knew, to be my home.
Vision of my youth
As shadows of time appear.

Coming back, searching now within
the cobwebs of my mind.
I find It was just another place,
A time, that I passed through.
There is nothing there for me at this time,

But of dreams long passed.

In life, others are only seen to be players within neurons that pass by my receptors, providing me with entertainment, sadness, laughter and often great joy.

Finding ourselves suffering in pain of a lost love,
consider it a life experience, that will help you grow.
For even when you find what you think you are searching for in love,
you will still be searching for the next experience.
No love will solve your problems in life completely.
There is forever, a horizon in life.

Love is always real..............................until it's not.

My head laying on her heaving breast.
The sound of her heart beating softly.
Arms embracing, holding her close.
Peacefulness is found in this warm, loving place.

The sea recedes for a few hours.
Local families pick rocks washed close to shallow shores.
Cleaning their bounty before filling 50-kilo bags,
to sell for food to fill their stomachs this day.

Tomorrow is another day by the beautiful seashore.