it's january twenty-second, two-thousand eighteen.
my sister lies in a hospital bed after a suicide attempt.
it's january twenty-second, two-thousand eighteen.
yesterday i was at the mall while my sister was rushed to the er.
it's january twenty-second, two-thousand eighteen.
she swallowed a bottle of pills yesterday to try to make the hurt go away.
it's january twenty-second, two-thousand eighteen.
her heart rate went down too low.
it's january twenty-second, two-thousand eighteen.
she needed me when i wasn't there.
it's january twenty-second, two-thousand eighteen.
my nightmares have become a reality.
it's january twenty-second, two-thousand eighteen.
she's not dead, but she isn't alive.
it's january twenty-second, two-thousand eighteen.
the demons lurk in her eyes and i want them gone as much as she does.
it's january twenty-second, two-thousand eighteen.
she looked so pale with the charcoal staining her tongue black.
it's january twenty-second, two-thousand eighteen.
i sit here with a blade and consider breaking my promise.
it's january twenty-second, two-thousand eighteen.
i continue to repeat these lines.
it's january twenty-second, two-thousand eighteen.
maybe it's a mantra, but it feels like my last words.
it's january twenty-second, two-thousand eighteen.
i want her back home.
it's january twenty-second, two-thousand eighteen.
the desperation in my soul begins to surface.
it's january twenty-second, two-thousand eighteen.
come home soon squish.
it's january twenty-second, two-thousand eighteen.
otherwise i might join you in that hospital bed.

January 16th: I am running in circles.
January 17th: Reality is just a figment of one's vivid imagination.
January 18th: The exit of the co2 from my lungs, to my mouth, and then the atmosphere. Expand and contract my brain. Expanding is new found knowledge and contracting is the loss of knowledge. Thus, my intelegence is relative to the amount of gasses in my brain.
January 19th: Secretly, you control me.
January 20th: Over the next two hours, you slowly drift back to reality. The once sea bound boat is approaching land and, with each passing wave, you are coming closer to sobriety.
January 21st: What is this love you speak of?  
January 22nd: A numbing sensation has paralyzed my arms. I can feel a million little creatures with in me. While they crawl beneath my skin, they leave their path of serenity. The ecstasy, that races to my heart. To touch my blood with a soft kiss and slowly warm my frozen body.
January 23rd: We will be forever hoping, forever wishing, and forever praying to find love. A feeling our primitive minds will never understand. In this age love will never be found because the passion that created us, has left this world.  
January 24th: Sometimes I feel like:
I am exiled by my own people, searching for another lost soul in this desecrated world. The only remnants I have of people are the skeletons of wanderers from long ago. Each lonely corpse I see I become more and more afraid. In fear, I run through this land of broken dreams. I am running in circles. I am lost. Back to where I began my quest I realize this land is hell and I am alone. In time I will soon become another lost soul. My desire to leave this place motivates me to keep walking. This keeps me sane. In the distance I see a figure shinning through my haze of hopelessness. Is this a hallucination? Or am I not alone in this world?
January 25th: Sights are sounds and sounds are sights.
January 26th: I am falling to apart trying to fix your broken heart.
January 27th: **** and be ******.
January 27th: The warmth of a fire can warm the coldest of hearts.
January 28th: In the rain, I carry no disguises.
January 29th - January 31st: I am relapsing

January is a serial killer,

January is a climbing pillar,

January is a ****** stain,

January is a crashing train,

January is a spider bite,

January is a sleepless night,

January is Eliot's contradiction,

January is an infinite affliction,

January is a lacerated heart,

January is the very worst part,

January is a poison potion,

January is death in slow motion,

January is a *****,

January nevermore.



-Jamie F. Nugent

Taken from my daily journal in my senior year.
The first part is in Forget me not, even in my final days.


January 1st: The new year will bring many failures and many triumphs. The level of these battles is unknown
January 2nd: I will shed my skin and be free of all my worries.
January 3rd: The warmth of the sun is your distant touch.
January 4th: To rid yourself of the evil people who poison your mind with their sharp words and snake like tongues.
January 5th: I am not God. I am sorry, I can not save you.
January 6th: She was the ocean on a calm summer's night. The tides which were her thoughts came to her slowly, but never failed to come.
January 7th: I am only worried when you're around me.
January 8th: My life sentence is almost over.
January 9Th: To my loved ones,
I am what you want me to be
When you want to be sad
I will be
When you want me to be mad
I will be
I will only be lonely
If you leave me
January 10th: You can not get to me if I am sleeping.
January 11th: To anyone who has ever hurt me,
Thank you for helping me become the man I am today.
Thank you for every feeling
Every tear
And every scar
You gave me.
January 12th: We are all complex animals, nothing more and nothing less.

it's january 4th
& the sky had never been more baby blue.

it's january 4th
& my love for you is as pure as the frosty tips on the blades of grass in the morning.

it's january 4th
& the parking lot seagulls turn this buslting city into an intimate warf off of the coast of some state...

it's january 4th
& it's the beginning after an end.

it's january 4th
& this weather makes me simultaneously want to go walk in the woods, exploring all the parts of this town i have yet to find beauty in and wrap myself in a blanket in bed & never leave this house again.

it's january 4th
& i hate the bitter winter wind burning my ears but i walk my dog in it anyway because she loves it, and i love her.

it's january 4th
& there are so many dragons i have yet to slay or even know what they will be or when they will come for me...

it's january 4th
& i am trembling. i shut my eyes tight, & curl into a ball...praying for sleep to overcome me...

it's january 4th
& i can't wait for january 5th.