And this isn’t some sad love poem about how I still love you
I don’t

But out of all of my mistakes, you’re still my favorite

where it starts
1. your girlfriend will have a miscarriage
for the second time
and you, you'll start using needles
THERE WILL BE NO DIRECT CORRELATION BETWEEN THESE TWO THINGS
but you tell yourself
a daughter is what would make life worth living
and subsequently what it takes to get you sober

2. you lose your job
because you're always in the bathroom missing veins
loss of job will inevitably spiral into an
"intolerable depression"
or
"extended sadness"
or
"whatever version of this is easiest to swallow"

3. you get to spend every holiday from your birthday until The Day She Dies sitting next to your mother's hospital bed
(except for when you're always in the bathroom, missing veiins)

LATER
your sister reassures you that mom didn't know the way you also choked back guilt with all the bile and unpleasant things in your trips to the restroom
but for now you will hate yourself
hate the sticky needles
and hate the way your girlfriend leaves all her ghosts behind when she leaves you

4. you find that bathroom floors are your new home
splayed out after your 8th overdose
jail cells are just a normal tuesday
and you keep waking up to razor blades left neatly on your pillow

where it ends

5. giving up ****** is like pulling teeth
messy and painful but typically necessary
and so hard to do alone

but i already felt the ground slipping out from under me
and the walls are getting a little too close to breathe
and i can't tell the difference between tripping and just a bad dream

somebody wake me up

i like to write about the way a bag of fentanyl with a big letter "H" on the front tastes like

i like to write about coming home to my wife crying on the steps as the paramedics drag my best friend's body out of my house

i like remembering the way my heart sounded just like 15 cops pounding on my front door

i can't tell if i'm swallowing back bile or guilt anymore
i can't tell if burning all the needles in my drawer was a sign that i'm moving on or denial of what I've done

i hate thinking about my friend with blue lips
last time i saw him he was snorting back three hundred dollars without blinking
he says he doesn't really get out of bed anymore

I know exactly what he means

this is not an apology

I’m sick of saying “sorry”
when I take my clothes off for you

my body is beautiful
even if you never said so

I’m sick of saying “sorry”
for knocking back the bottles
harder than you knocked me around

this is not an apology

I don’t owe you anything
hell I never did

I’m sick of the sorries
because my lips were too slow
my tongue too fast

my hands never met the speed of your measure
the tick tick tick of your metronome

I’m not sorry for walking away
when this was only ever one sided

this is not an apology

and I am glad you’re gone

ONE

WHO THE **** SAYS ****** WHAT THE **** IS WRONG WITH YOU

TWO

"SQUIRRELS"IS MY DAD'S "LESS OFFENSIVE" TERM TO DESCRIBE ******* AFTER I CAME OUT IN 7TH GRADE

THREE

I WILL NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF FOR CHOOSING ALCOHOL OVER MY RELATIONSHIP
MY MOM SAYS I AM MY FATHER'S SPITTING IMAGE

FOUR

MY MOM SAYS I AM MY FATHER'S SPITTING IMAGE
i think that says enough

did you know I drag myself out of bed with six lines in the mornings
did you know I sniffle more than I blow because it's the blow I'm trying to push down my throat
that cringe worthy drip is all I'm living for anymore
did you know I've been high for five years
constantly patting away nose bleeds and I chipped all of my teeth
did you know that addiction is something we made up in our heads
that being high is only as good as the crash
did you know when I was sixteen I tried to get sober
did you know when I was sixteen I said **** it because the crash was way better than waking up alone
cause now I don't bother waking up
or ever going to sleep
or eating
did you know I find some sick pleasure in watching the scale drop
and I ain't never gonna tell nobody
did you know my smile was cut by razor blades
along with six lines of something bitter
did you know..
well no, of course not

no, i don't care that you think the game is broken
it's not supposed to give you tickets
it's guitar hero

no, your kid can't climb on the stage
get them down
cause you sure as hell don't want me to

shut the **** up
it's not my fault your kid ****** themselves
and no, i will not clean them up for you

you can have one thing from the red bin
no, you can't have the chuck e. doll
you only have three tickets


you know what?
listen, i don't really care

i wear a rat suit for minimum wage

I realized tonight that I don't love you
and the tattoo of you wrapped around my shoulders hasn't comforted me in ages

but memories are as deadly..

do you remember the night I fell asleep clutching a bottle of xanax and adderall
a concoction from hell
blackout and ****** that I can't trust either of us alone anymore
that's the first time you call me "******" to my face

and wasn't it a surprise that everything only got worse after that

remember when you'd hold me when I was terrified of waking up
and you'd sing so sweetly to sooth the rush of poison in my veins

remember when the blood trail behind the needle was ****
and making love is how we'd describe the way we ****** with our clothes on and the lights out

yeah, me neither

remember the first time we got physical
and it wasn't **** at all

YEAH, ME NEITHER
maybe because it happens all the time now

remember when waking up wasn't the scary part anymore?
because we were more worried about whether we were falling asleep
or just dying this time

you can count me out of that one, too!!
because I have been so ready to close my eyes for so long since you

remember the first time you didn't mean it when you said "i love you"
I wanna be certain we're thinking of the same instance
that I wasn't just months late to the punchline
of this ****** up joke we've been playing on each other ever since we decided to stop sleeping in the same bed

I swear to the only god that'll ever save me
whoever she is
I'll go back to the misery of meeting every morning like a battle field if it means I don't ever have to think of you again

but I remember everything you ever said
every time you held your head back while I traced your pale skin for a good place to inject our sins
I remember exactly what you tasted like the first time we kissed
after begging for all the percocet I had left

remember the way that I loved you..
and how dangerous it'd be
if I still did

i sniffle back tears
and something bitter
my hands shake
and my heart beats fast

i think i love you

or i'm just high again

.1. when I said I had a odd sum of days clean
she said "I count on your days the way a catholic counts on rosary beads"
but I'm no saint and I'm destined to let you down again

2. when I have nightmares it's just my dad crying over my dead body
and she wonders why I never call when I never know what to say

3. I started skipping my meds again because I got sick of feeling normal
now I'm starting to see my dead mother every time I look in the mirror

4. I think my point is life is becoming a very morbid place to be
and I think about killing myself every time I wake up
but what if the last time I hugged my dad was dripping from the shower that he wrenched me from and outfitted in steel hand cuffs

what if I never hear her say she loves me again

everything tastes like
your perfume

i can still feel your skin
underneath my fingertips

tell me you love me
or that you need me

tell me you like the way
i touch you

i'm just begging you to stay

the music is too loud and i don't like the way it feels without it on

nothing asks to move
no one needs my permission

nothing feels real

when I mixed dirt and blood and water in my veins like a chemistry project
I had intended to come home to you
I didn't mean to end up ******* air through a hollow chest or for my dad to see me broken
I spent five months in jail for not asking for help
instead just plunging needles into the soft spot in the crook of my elbow
and isn't that ironic?
that we don't try to save people that are hurting
and that when I came home you still asked how I was but didn't say that you love me
and maybe that's why I wanted to die

"our song"

the fragile broken rhythm of an unsteady heart trying to float above 32 bpm
surrounded by all the tangled machines counting how close to death I have strayed
when I stayed on the living room couch for two days
after choking down 26 pills in the shape of my anger

the sound of barely 100 lbs hitting the floor after two too many shots of somehing stronger than your courage
unsuccessful cpr and the way my ribs snap under the weight of our guilt

the silence swimming in the background of your converations with police sirens

the comments on your instagram  of tiny pin ****** securing my hand to yours

have you ever heard it sober?
our song
the sound of razorblades clattering against ******* stained mirrors
shattered from the last time I got high alone
that's seven years of bad luck, you know

and perhaps that's why you had to watch me die four times
and perhaps that's why I had to learn to live alone

tonight is the first time in 45 days that I have considered calling to ask to shoot me dead (EVEN WHEN HE CALLED ME TO SAY HE COULD GET ME HIGH AGAIN)

I WANT TO DIE BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T LOVE ME LIKE SHE USED TO
but even more because I don't love her at all anymore

I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD EVER HAVE TO FEEL LIKE THIS AGAIN
you said you could only love me sober
BUT WHAT DOES ANOTHER KEY TAG MEAN TO SOMEONE SO ******* DEAD INSIDE

YOU CRIED THE LAST TIME WE KISSED
and I didn't want to use behind it
BUT I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW STUPID I FEEL BECAUSE I STILL DREAM OF THE WAY YOU USE TO PRESS SMACK INTO MY WRISTS

AND HOW ******* **** YOU LOOKED WITH MY BLOOD STILL ON YOUR LIPS

and maybe this has more to do with the fact that you only ever made me feel lonely
AND I AM PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF DOING THAT ALL ALONE

so this is about the next time I don't answer the phone
and you can thank the rig on the top of my book case

you called me, rambled nonsense of love lost through the telephone before saying you'd only see me if I promise not to write about it

as if you've ever known a moment with me that didn't one day end up on paper

fastforward after dinner, we're in the Costco parking lot
and somehow I think, we're both still hungry

you ask me if my new tattoo has anything to do with the way you get naked before the door to your apartment drops shut behind us
I promise not everything I do, I do with you in mind

but it's a quarter to eight and we're in the backseat of your car
(and if I had a dollar for everytime we wound up here I wouldn't even have to write anymore)

I am crushed between seats that do not lean far enough forward, when you finally notice the music has stopped playing

this is the first time in four years you have ever seemed uneasy in the quiet

so I kiss you until your body relaxes
you have cried three times since you took your shirt off
you don't stop telling me you love me until suddenly

your hands are everywhere
and I have permission to write about tonight because obviously this means we are still in love

fastforward 24 hours
I'm back in your car after a stop to the pub and there's enough liqour in me to drown out my voice

we fall asleep holding hands while the heat blasts like a furnace ready to burn down this so well put together home

that's two nights in a row I have lost my way home and somehow found myself tangled up in ... well not really sheets, I guess
maybe just each others clothes?

alright skip ahead another day
you're asking if I'll see you and for the first time in four years my answer is no

we promise a rain check and then next day I'm drunk again and only think
about kissing you until I fall asleep sweaty and with a pulsing headache

I'm thinking about leaving my job so I'll have more time to admire the way you look with all this confidence

it's only with you that I will ever say no to getting high
because with you I already can't feel my face

and I guess you could say I love it

17 I taught myself how to use my left hand
when I broke all my knuckles
and took enough Percocet to put an elephant to sleep

17 I got a tattoo on my lower back
and fell in love with being a god
(that's why I still do *******)

17 my favorite lips told me
she thought she might love me
one day

i'm too young to be grateful

it's the way your breath catches
and how you lean into my touch
that drives me so crazy

i am all yours

and tonight
you are all mine

when you see her again for the first time
smile
no matter how badly you want to scream
remember last time you saw her she was moaning out your name
you are still in control even if she is not begging for you anymore
remember there was a time that you were the world to her
and don't worry
just because you are not hers doesn't mean you are not still the world
smile
and do not call her a mistake
remember she is not the only one loving someone new
some things, as the world goes, are only born to die
we have to remember to cherish what we have while it is still here
when you see her
smile
let her know it is okay without having to say "i forgive you"
let her know you are a better person now and do not ask for her back
you do not need her anymore
so smile

i am twelve years of
self pity

holding myself to my father's words
i will never be good enough

i am a short fuse
soaked in bourbon

a handful of every pill in the cabinet
and i call myself a cocktail party

i am reckless
like jumping out of moving cars

i died a long time ago

but she says the corpse thing
is hot

i liked xanax
because it helps me sleep
but now i have nightmares
and i wake up screaming

I relapsed after our phone call
and like an idiot I split my lip on the razor I used to cut lines

****** IS SO SILLY!
cause you can never tell what it's made of
until you're
c
 r
  a
   s
    h
     i
     n
       g            that's where we have something in common

       d
      o
     w
    n

and I know that it's just the blood in my mouth
that tastes so much like you
because the dope has always been
sweeter

she is a wilting daffodil only lives a few weeks before losing all of her prior appeal
she is a fleeting thought
maybe for a moment she sounded like a good idea but it is better that I let her go

she is too much like my ex
angry and disrespectful and lazy in the bedroom

she tastes too much like my childhood traumas
the way my dad smells when he drinks too much
how my mother never says “I love you too”

she is not something beautiful
she is bitter and poisonous and she does not care how comfortable you are

or uncomfortable

her favorite flower is a daffodil
she thinks it’s romantic and tragic how they only live but so long

I bet she never guessed
you were so glad something could die so quickly

never guessed
you were so glad you let her go

something about shaky hands
and the way your fingers fidget when you're nervous
warm skin flushed red with
things you didn't mean to say
out loud

I am allergic to affection

the term “I love you” makes my stomach turn and my hands sweat
and I think that is why they leave

because I know how to type it all out
but when it comes from my lips it always sounded like a plea

I do not sound desperately in love
just desperate
even the way I touched you

like I wanted so badly for you to be there in the morning but
I didn’t know how to ask you to stay without screaming it

I can’t be alone anymore

I wanted to slice my skin to show you that I needed you
but instead I scared you away

I am allergic to affection

I have never known how to hold someone
how to kiss you without biting your lips

I wanted you to be mine

but you were always so much more

you spit ******* acid

stupid stupid stupid selfish girl
you taste like the tone of your voice

******* bitter

get the **** away from me
i hate the way you try to convince your friends we're good people

you're not a good person
and that's what you keep ******* telling me

you spit ******* acid in my face

i don't get high anymore and you taste like *******

******* BITTER

IS JUST DEPRESSING WHEN YOU CAN'T EVER GET ANYONE TO SHUT UP WHEN NO ONE IS TALKING AND YOU DON'T LEAVE BED BECAUSE AT LEAST THESE GHOSTS ARE FAMILIAR

I'M SO SICK OF LIVING LIKE I'M DEAD

thinking too much
and not enough
losing my tongue in all these empty thoughts
my stutter
hits me like a ton of bricks
and suddenly i am thanking
..something
for the crushing weight of my jaw
i am so sick of listening to myself try to speak
it is embarrassing
trying to tell you how i feel
my teeth keep getting caught on things i'll never say
my fingers drum almost as fast as my heart
i only got high to feel normal
but i like the way you make me feel different

you drive me crazy
and not in a good way

you make my ******* skin crawl

and I am trying to figure out how
to rip you from my veins

you have always left a sour taste in my mouth
and I am trying to wash you out

but I can't forget the way you made me bleed
when I begged you

no
it never meant anything to you
that's why you never stopped when I begged you

no
please stop
please please please

you drive me crazy
in the "I want to blow my brains out" kind of way

do not touch me again
I can still feel my skin crawl

and I am trying to figure out how
to get rid of you

i wrote this to tell you all the things you'll never get to know about me

you will never get to know what i taste like with all 90 days under my belt

you'll never get to know how i handle the anniversary of my mother's death
or what watching my father die does to me

you'll never get to see me bailing my little brother out of jail
or find out about how i don't smile the same way anymore after serving two years inside

you'll never see me on my wedding day
and you will never hear me tell you "i do" or that i love you

or hear me announce that my wife is pregnant
and you'll certainly never get to meet my baby girl and she'll have eyes just like her mama

you will never hear me come home from work when we're in our late thirties and i always have a good reason to bring flowers

you won't ever find out what my favorite song is when i'm mowing the lawn out back
and you won't be there when i decide to press charges on the man that hurt me


my point is
you're gone.
and honestly, you might not care. you might not ever even think of me again.
but you will never get to know me.
and for that i am thankful

say all night and no sleep and way too much caffeine
say caffeine like LSD
say LSD laced in Ecstasy
say I am in ecstasy when I am with you
say but hell it’s been a long time since I was with you

say love say broken say I’m sorry
say it like I loved you so much and you broke me and I wish you were sorry
but you’re in a whole other universe

say my chest is filled with empty
say my ribs are weaved in ivy and it is suffocating

say my name
once
say it again
loud enough for me to hear you
half deaf and only ever half alive

say it like a father saying his daughter’s name for the first time
say it with fire in your eyes
say it like there will never be a moment as beautiful as this
and that is tragic

say it like a mother saying her daughter’s name for the last time
say it with all the heart you’ve got left
say it like this is all you’ve got left
isn’t that tragic?

say it like the way the color red feels between your fingertips
(I know it’s your favorite)
say it like the smell right before you open your eyes in the morning

say my name
just once
let it hang on your lips
because no one has ever made it sound so sweet

say it like I love you

say love and drugs have a lot in common
they both eat away at you until you’ve got nothing left
leave you begging for one more taste

you have left me with nothing but a longing
just one more taste

I can't forget you
every day I try to strip you from me like ruined sheets
it's bad enough I have your name embedded in my skin
what I would give to be 18 and carefree again
it took me three years of chewing my own thoughts to death
you left scars on my skin and I am not allowed to ask for you back

****

April
your eyes shine brighter
than any star in the sky
i think i'm in love

May
i bought you flowers
roses, couldn't remember
your favorite, sorry

June
you are the first girl
i've ever wanted so bad
tell me you need me

July
she died this month and
i have never seen you so
broken, i love you

August
summer is ending
you'll go back to school, and i
will miss you like hell

September
happy birthday, babe
it's been hard the last few months
i know, hang in there

October
it's Halloween and
all i can think about is
how you look tonight

November
i just turned sixteen
i blew out my candles and
wished for your dad back

December
you haven't been the
same since he died, i guess that's
to be expected

January
you're moving away
so i'm going to Maryland
please don't forget me

February
my mom is bringing
you to come see me, i am
beyond excited

March
you left without an
"i love you" and i don't want
this to be goodbye

seasons start and end on your name

fall is coming
and all the leaves have turned a different variation of the color of your eyes

"I came for the first time since you"

and i don't mean the last time we hooked up in your car

i mean the last time we made love under sunset skies
the last time i tasted you without dirt in my veins

i'm begging you to cleanse me
and dress me in your love

you taste like my favorite candy
so sweet i almost can't stand it
but you're sneakier than you'll admit
and i'm easy to convince
see
there are things you say to me
that i cannot stand
and they are not sweet
but it's not a lot of work to get what you want from me
i'll never tell you how i feel

don't pick
it's not good for the ones that are trying to heal
and i'm sick of all the blood
you don't have to bother hiding them anymore
everyone already knows
when you hear that you ex is cutting now
and you tug on your sleeve
it is okay
it is not your fault
you did not teach her this
when the girl you love shies away from the mess you left on your skin
it is okay
she is allowed to react
when your mother turns away with teary eyes
it is okay
she still loves you
when you regret the scars
it is okay
just remember that the next time you pick up a knife

Four o'clock in the morning
Is the worst time
To be missing you

But I am

i am more impressed with your ability to wake up

see, cause i know how you get
and that's not to say that you're too sensitive

but i love the way you look when you're mad
just hate the way your voice sounds like i'm doing something wrong
again

if you drink enough ***** it tastes like

regret

like all the nights you spent bent over the bathroom sink
tears running down your face when you can’t seem to catch your breath

like rust and blood and bile in the back of your throat
razors on the counter and a half cocked gun in your hand

like not sleeping because you’re too busy screaming at the sky
begging the moon to bring her back

like breaking bones on promises like “forever”
tearing open your chest searching for some part of you she might’ve left
but finding nothing

if you drink enough ***** it will not taste like love
and it certainly will not taste like her

i'm so used to the withdrawals
they almost taste as sweet as the initial fall

i'm so sick from getting high
or maybe it's because i keep saying i'll get sober

i always taste like rust and blood
because i can never stop biting my lips
or maybe i just forgot myself out in the rain again

i can never stop picking at the skin around my fingernails
how long have i been trying to claw myself out of this body

you leave me sort of breathless like

my arms fall just a moment too short of reaching you like
telling my favorite joke backwards and ruining the punch line

because when I look at you my whole head goes blank

like I can’t remember that witty line I was going to use
you probably would’ve just laughed anyway

but the way you smile makes my stomach do flips and
my heart beat against my rib cage like drums

I’m sure you can hear it from across the room

but can’t imagine
how you make my palms sweat
and my face run red like

you’re the only girl I know that has ever made me blush like that or
at all

you leave me sort of breathless

like you stole it from my lips with that kiss
that I never got

I’m still hoping

you once planted daisies in my rib cage

you said the flowers were supposed to make me beautiful inside
but I have never felt beautiful

****
the closest thing to beauty I know

is the way the letters of your name hang on the tip of my tongue
and when we kissed

I felt the galaxies inside of you
open up like they could swallow me whole
and I know they could

I knew the stars lived inside of you the first time you looked at me
and all I had were flowers

but baby I don’t think you remembered
how easily flowers wilt
when you forget to water them

maybe you thought
because the lights are on
someone’s home

but this house has been empty for years
I only left the door unlocked hoping you would find your way back inside

I left everything the way you like it
I remember you telling me all of your favorite things the night it was too cloudy to see the stars in the sky
or maybe it was because they had already made their way into your eyes

truth of the matter is
I never really cared for daisies until

I tried roses once
or maybe twice
but their thorns tore open my lungs and it was already so hard to breathe around you
I ripped them out of my chest like weeds

and I would much rather have your daisies back

u can't

I miss you

like my dad's drinking habit
and how he only says he cares after he's punched me in the face

I miss you

like my mom crying in the hallway
because she can't stand to watch me **** myself anymore

I miss you

and how we fought
and ****** and ******
and fought
and never once did you say "I love you"

I miss you

like..
well,
I guess my point is

I don't.

picture this
sixteen years old
the world at my feet
but it's four in the morning
and it's the third time tonight
that i've woken up feeling like i am drowning
and i am gasping for air
it's like trying to breathe around a hole in my chest
where i carved out my heart
handing it to you i said baby
if you're leaving take this with you
you can do a lot more good with it than i can
but i'm still trying to teach myself how to love again
replaced all the blood in my veins with gasoline
and struck a match on my teeth

i just wanted to remember what it was like to feel

I’m afraid

I’m afraid that kissing in the back corner of the kitchen where your family can’t see us
will leave desire somewhere in my bones
too deep
for me to claw away

I’m afraid that I was never in love with you at all
and that I just liked the feeling of your teeth against my neck

I always swore
I adore you for more than just the way your skin feels under my palms

I’m afraid that when the bruises you left fade
I will ask you to leave more
at least I’ll have proof you were here

I’m afraid that if I hear you breathlessly asking my name
I will completely lose myself in you

I’m afraid because I do not have the self control to stop from wanting you

she smells like cigars

and my garage when my dad drinks too much
and it doesn't matter how expensive his taste
it all smells cheap and it makes my head spin

and i don't think i'm still standing up
and everything's black
or silver
or

and someone's screaming at me and it doesn't matter how small i try to become
i can't get away
from all of the noise

and i guess that's what i get for only picking jobs where people yell at you all day

and for coming back every time i ran away

she smells like cigars

and recently i haven't been feeling so safe

i wonder why all i want to write are love poems
i'm not in love
your eyes don't sparkle for me and i haven't seen you smile in months
my heart doesn't race after you like at use to
but my stomach turns when i see your face
i find myself swallowing back sobs and words i wish i could say

i wonder why all i want to write are love poems
i don't think i'm in love
i've spent more nights alone in my head
dreaming of kissing you
but my eyes are still open
i haven't slept in weeks
i toss with the image of your body against mine
and i stopped holding back the tears

i wonder why all i want to write are love poems
maybe i'm still in love

-she's autumn
(and that's my favorite season)
always a little red in the face,
and that's my favorite color
(especially on her)

-i like her because she's all early september
(which means staying in bed until after 10)

-and she always holds me when i feel like i'm falling apart
(which is often)

-she kisses like 4th of july
(which means HARD)
and my ears are still ringing
(which means i can't think about anything else)

-she's all firecrackers and campfires
(i can still smell her on my clothes in the morning)

-she's the reason i'm trying so hard
(which is to say)
i love you