I let myself be in love once
Giddy and gleeful
Not butterflies in my stomach
But warm milk in my belly

I was devoted
I was obedient
I was his.

Until I decided not to be.
Because when you give all yourself over
You lose yourself
And now I have been gone for awhile
I have forgotten how to live

And at times I don’t want to live
It sits on my chest
Weighs down my heart
Until I no longer want to be present
Or have this present from the melancholy king

But I am growing again
And I feel my soul stretch
Like a cat after a cozy afternoon nap
And I am ready
And excited
Oh so excited for what will happen

But for now (and maybe for ever
-fingers crossed)
I do not want to be in love
I do not want to have a lover

For if being in love is a debt
I do not want to be in the business of it
It has nothing to do with me