I sometimes speak
words I don't comprehend,
throw the names
into the wind as
tears
make their way
into my eyes

I remind myself
of the phrases
I keep holding on to

and the fears
start creeping in
I swallow them
with my saliva
only after then,
in my intestines,
they'd be reabsorbed
into my blood

they travel
through my arteries
and veins
and settle in my brain
control my heartbeat
and my nervous system
and I shiver
with self-doubt

On days
I want to stay in
I don't wash my hair
I never mind
how I look like
because I love my soul
and I love my body
and I love my face

But tell me why
I wash my hair when
I go out
tell me why,
when I do that,
my body screams
in uncertainty,
demanding to know
what my
plan
is

I don't have a plan
on most days,
I wallow in self-pity
and sleep amongst regrets
and I wake up happy

they tell me to never sleep
when I'm sad
but it soothes my soul

I want to be loved
but I assure you
I will reject love
when it comes
knocking in my door

I will recognize love
through the peep hole
put my fingers in my ears
and go to the other room
and when love
calls me
my body will shiver
because I don't know
what to do

I'm not used to love
I'm not used to being given attention
and wanting it is not the same
as seeking it

And wanting it,
never harmed anyone

Contradicting myself
is my biggest talent
and I sometimes
wonder
if I have ten brains
fused into one

Vulnerability
is my greatest treasure
and it will one day
eat me alive

I promise you,
I will learn from my mistakes


Being aware of the effect
is not the same
as causing it

and on days like this,
I blame my hormones,
I blame things I cannot control

so that I allow myself
moments
of weakness