For once in my life I want to be happy
happy and hopeful and confident
I want to not beat myself down before anything can happen
Or repeatedly remind myself that it's "probably nothing"
I want to go to bed and not worry that I said the wrong thing
or that I'm thinking too much
Or not enough.
I want to not feel like my feelings
(or my heart)
are too much
I want to not have to feel like I need
to squelch my wants and my hopes and my dreams
because if I dare to reach for them I am going to get smacked for thinking that any of that is something I could ever have.
I want to not feel scared of letting myself love.
I want to not feel scared to be authentic in my current existence.
I want to be allowed to shout who I am and how I feel
from where ever I want.
But that's not the world we live in.
I can't.
I can't fly up too high or too close to the sun.
People who fly too close to the sun get burned and fall to their deaths.
The sun doesn't let things hug it.
It doesn't want a friend.
Not even another sun.