My therapist made me cry once
He kept prodding "tell me about her, tell me how she died"
A lump formed in my throat
And that night began to play over and over again
"There's not much to tell"
He didn't back down,
he had already burrowed beneath my skin
My tongue felt like a noose:
My words betraying my best friend
I had become so frightened to talk about her
That I began to simplify her into a nothingness
"I don't want to talk about her today"
"It happened so long ago I don't remember much" (Lie)
"What's got you down today, court?" "Nothing."
"It's okay to cry sometimes you know.."
"I don't need to cry. I'm stronger than that"
She became the "nothing" and "I'm fine" to all of the "whats wrong's"
My tongue had formed a noose and somehow slipped around the neck of Erin
She didn't just die that night,
She died inside me too.
I deleted every memory of her, every trace
My mind flooded with thoughts about her,
Until finally the silence was too much for him...
"Keep going Courtney, you're making so much progress"
This time my tongue did not betray her,
It only betrayed me as words slipped out of my mouth
It happened in such an eerie way;
I watched the words slowly roll off my lounge
And just before I could swallow them back down they vanished before me
Warm tears fell onto my denim jeans
As he finished speaking I stood up and reached for the door handle
Finally, it was over.
But just as I slipped out his office he offered me 5 more words,
"This is just the beginning."