Remember when we used to chat all the time?
All the sweet words you kept raining on me.
That my brain keeps telling me
No no no. Don't fall for him. Don't.
Run. Save yourself.
But no.
I read your words.
I heard them.
Wanting so badly to believe.
I did.
Blindly letting you lead the way.
And in the darkness I was drunk on your sweet, sweet words.
Then you pulled away.
Letting me roam and bump and fall and scrape myself.
With bruises and cuts and you
Never. Once. Helped. Me.
I lay helplessly on the ***** floor.
Messy and sticky with your then sweet promises.
If I see you again,
I want you to repeat all your words.
See how you like it now.
See how you can say it straight to my face.
All the empty promises.
All the fake confessions.
I hope you choke on them.
I really hope you choke on them.

-m.b

Sad days are here again.
Sad days are here to play.
Sad days, you came back.
Back so soon?

It's the little things; they make me sad. I often brush them away. I'll sweep it into a tiny corner, at the back of my mind, until one day. Without me realizing it, becomes a tall mountain of sadness.

A small, painless kick sends the mountain into an explosion; crashing down like an avalanche. Leaving me a crying mess, hiding behind closed doors like a forgotten ragged doll; sad and feeling empty.

"I'm sorry I woke up late. I was too comfortable being under the blanket of crocheted sadness. I wanted to keep my eyes shut; devoid of the real world. I wanted to keep dreaming of things I couldn't have. I'm sorry I got up so late. Truth is, I didn't want to wake up. *Because getting up would bring me even more pain and misery."

-m.b

A rock that people might miss
Simply because it seems ordinary,
That's you. But please,
You opened up to reveal how you really
Are. And to me, it's so surreal,
So unlikely, so precious.
Like the many layers of petals you peel,
To showcase your heart, your treasures.
Talking to you is sacred to me.
I can't tell people simply.

-m.b

These past few days, I was over the moon. But I guess that's the danger of it. I was too high up and yesterday I crashed.

They don't have a lot of mirrors in this house and it's always dark where the mirrors are. I walked down the stairs, passed the full length mirror and was taken aback at how I look like. Flat hair, dark circles around my eyes with heavy eyebags. My eyes were red around the edges and my cheeks were stained with tears.

I couldn't reach out exactly to my friends. I can't even explain why I'm sad but I am. I couldn't control it but I feel so worried, so sad, so hopeless and helpless.

I washed my face and turned off my phone, everyone else was asleep anyway. I'll be okay. I've been through this many times and I've picked myself up all the time, with the help of supportive friends who keeps reminding me of my worth and how much they love me. I'm really thankful for that. For them. But I can't help the sadness.

I just woke up, it's not 9am yet but I've already cried like what, 4? 5 times? I have other things to do but you're taking up so much space in my head. I hate having feelings for people because it makes me weak. I'm very weak right now but I'll get better. This is just temporary. It's not worth it.

-m.b

She is a swirling cloud of seduction,
Breathing in whatever that catches her attention.
She is all milky pearl and cherry red wine,
and peachy pink sighs.
Touching you in all the right places,
Marking her beauty on every possible surface.

You'll sigh her name late at night,
Wishing she could be by your side.
Left alone, drunken
on love you could never call your own.
Eternally wanting a piece of her
but no man nor god could ground her ether.

-m.b

He was so beautiful, I was so afraid to touch him. In fear that the illusion might break and I would have nothing left to look forward to. Like Aslan from Narnia, he was majestic and all things brilliant. And I, a curious Lucy went up to confront him in all his glory. "He is real," I keep telling myself. "He isn't like the others, they're fictional. He is real," as I got closer. It started with a hand on his cheek. He was nice about it, he urged me to go on, I did. With no fear of rejection, I took my time exploring. It was exhilarating. I was sure he would take care of my heart. That he would prove himself to be real, that I could bring him to show him off, to tell everyone that it is proof. He is real and he is mine to keep. After I was done, he lowered himself to look me in the eye. He slowly reassured me that I am right. He is real but he's not that amazing. I was sad, but he is right.

-m.b

Gone are the days where I think of people I love as art.
The emotions I felt when I looked at their canvas; buried deep inside me.
But the artwork got up and left me for another museum.
And I'm left reminiscing the strokes and lines and colours.
They were never mine to keep.

-m.b

I would blame it on bad timing,
A wrong decision
Or something.
A conjured future with precision,
A huge almost. How disappointing.

But the sad thing is,
It wasn't even an "almost"

It was something I wanted,
But it wasn't in your mind.
It's heavily highlighted;
Our stars were never aligned.

It has been over 200 days
Nearly one year of hurting
What a waste
Repeatedly swaying

It's a great lesson
I am never meant to be rushed

Day 299
And I am still healing
I broke down
But I'll keep trying.

-m.b

Empty shelves;
Empty hearts.

Quiet surroundings;
Quiet souls.

Unfinished writings;
Unfinished thoughts.

-m.b

He was a demigod who tricked his dad, Zeus. When he got caught, he was killed and then cursed for an eternity; denied of food and drinks. He was made to stand in a stream of crystal water under apple trees. However, every time he were to reach for the fruit or bend down to drink, he'll be eternally denied.

To me, that's how it feels like loving you. You're right in front of me. Every thing I ever wanted but you're out of reach. All I could do is look at you in hunger of your touch and love. Longing fiercely to know what it feels like to have you in my grasp. Wanting a taste of you at least once. The question is; what did I do to ******* the gods for cursing me this way? Why does it feel like I'm eternally ******?

-m.b

I found a piece of writing from two years ago, asking if there's a guy out there with specific characteristics. I listed them all out. When I read it today, I got chills because I found him. I forgot that I wanted to be with a guy like this. Somehow he matched all the traits I wanted. He ticked off all the characteristics that I was looking for. It was unexpected but I found him. He's real.

The sad thing is, I can't be his because someone else is lucky enough to get him first. I'm happy for them but it's a tragic affair for me. My ideal guy is right in front of me and I can't even do anything. My wish came true but it wasn't made for me. It's like playing slots and I hit the jackpot but they gave the money to someone else in the room. And I could only watch them celebrate from afar.

-m.b

You held my hands
when I was fragile.
Told me legends
of how you saved lives,
like a Knight in shining
armor. You'll save me,
you said. Believing
every word, I gave in.

You held the keys,
stored between your lips.
Said it'll grant me wishes.
But stars turned into dusts,
skies painted over lies.
You promised me a forever
and I was mesmerized.
But you're a curse I thought
was a treasure.

-m.b

I remember reading somewhere that memory has a link to doorways. That whenever you pass by a door, you tend to refresh your mind and forget something. And to retrieve the lost memory, you just walk back through the same door and you'll remember the information when you stand in the first room.

Our old house used to be a small, simple space; on just one floor and not many rooms. We've filled the house with so many memories, we didn't have space to make compartmental rooms. Every gap had our scent and laughter; we've touched every single square of our walls and floor, all the way up to our ceilings.

But then the laughter started to stop and the space felt too small. It was hard for us to breathe and secretly we started to scratch on the walls, hoping we could find a way out. You did it first. You left and took off in the night while I was alone, thinking what should I keep and which should I bail.

Determined not to remember what we had because you went oh so easily, I built myself a new house. Instead of a simple one-floor plan, I built a house that stretched long and far, with many doors in between. Maybe if I go through countless of doorways, I'll be able to really forget about what we had, about you, about us. And maybe by the time I reach the final door, it's like the first house, and you and I never existed.

-m.b

And he said
"I keep having dreams of the same girl. She's always far off in the darkest corner of the room. Her skin is always covered in black paint and her mouth opens to talk about bitter truth and she would laugh at her own dark humour. I often try to coax her to talk to me but sometimes she would look at me with a frown, like she's analysing me. Sometimes she would sing to lamented ballads which causes my chest to hurt. I wonder what she went through. Where I walk, I'm surrounded by light. So when I'm within her axis, her painted skin clears up and she would smile genuinely more. With each dream, we would get closer but here's the thing; whenever we get too close, I wake up."

-m.b

when did i become like this?
saying sorry, over and over.
apologizing for things that
i didn't even do. feeling so
guilty at the tiniest things
even if i am not part of it.
the things i couldn't even
control yet i feel so bad,
i start scolding myself.
who taught me that? who
made me turn this way?
did i get hurt so many
times, i turn to blaming
myself for every little
inconvenience caused?
when will i stop saying
sorry when it does not
concern me? i'm sorry.

-m.b

You'd gawk at the scarlet petals,
admiring the beauty.
You get close, you're on different levels.
"It doesn't matter, it's pretty,"
you would say. Time and time again,
you'd pick it up,
only to be startled by the pain.
When will the lightbulb
light up, to tell you
that these thorns
will hurt you?

-m.b

WASTED ALL THESE FEELINGS
WASTED TIME THINKING OF YOU
WASTED THE BUTTERFLIES FLUTTERING
WASTED MY BREATH TALKING
WASTED RAISING MY HOPES
WASTED EVERYTHING
  ALL FOR YOU
    YOU
WHO I THOUGHT WAS WONDERFUL

you who I think is still wonderful
and no, it wasn't a total wastage

-m.b

Perhaps these seeds I've planted
Will make flowers grow
Into self love I wanted.
These doubts, they need to go
//Baby steps to love myself//

-m.b

She talked about him as if he hung the stars in the sky.
She looked at him like he was Adonis from the famous Greek myth.
She listens intently to him as if it's a lullaby.
She got goosebumps when they touch, like a soothing drift.
She wanted to know him more but was afraid to pry.
She was thirsty for his love, took everything he gave.
She liked him so much, at nights she would cry.
She wanted the best for him, for as long as he lives.

He talked about her like she's a friend of his sister.
He looked at her like she's a painting he couldn't understand.
He listens to her like she's reciting a speech by a pastor.
He recoils when they touch, her skin gets too damp.
He doesn't really know her because he never bothered.
He gets annoyed when she asks too much, he prefers being alone.
He tries not to be with her too often, she deserves better.
He knows she likes him but he doesn't want her to be heartbroken.

-m.b

I hope that when you sleep tonight
your chest will hurt a little less,
your tears won't reach the pillow
and hope will bloom in your heart.

Honey, after everything you've gone through,
you deserve to have a good night's rest.
Minimize the volume of that sadness
and heal yourself. You deserve better than this.

I know your heart went through war
with emotions. That you feel things deeply
and I love that about you. But tonight,
I want you to make peace with yourself.

-m.b

We were in a car; you on the wheel,
me on the passenger seat.
The hood of the car gleamed, painted teal.
I kicked off my shoes, baring my pink feet.
Your jet black hair ruffled by the wind
and I sang loudly to a song you hate.
I burst out laughing every time you winced
then we drove until the night grew late.

We were in a car; you on the wheel,
me on the passenger seat.
We debated where do we go for a meal
until our throats grew parched from the heat.
Your sweat gleamed in the sunlight
and you laughed at my running make up.
We watched shooting stars at night
while scooping up cookies and cream from a tub.

We were in a car; you on the wheel,
me on the passenger seat.
You recited a poem about how you feel
every time our eyes and fingers meet.
You placed a hibiscus in my hair
and kissed many parts of my skin.
Telling me how you could not bear
to leave me. Through thick and thin.

We were in a car; you on the wheel,
me on the passenger seat.
We broke out in a peal
with each joke and pun you uttered.
I grew fond of your warm voice,
especially when you read out loud
from the thick book of poetry and prose;
going in circles, jammed roundabouts.

We were in a car; you on the wheel,
me on the passenger seat.
On August first, we made a deal.
That we'll stick with each other, won't cheat.
We did our handshake and giggled
when we kept messing up, then started over.
One hand on the wheel, you struggled
like a rookie flame thrower.

We were in a car; you on the wheel,
me on the passenger seat.
You parked by the roadside to kneel
and asked me to be yours on February 13th.
I laughed and I cried and you did the same
when I said "yes" almost immediately.
We cried a lot and you were never ashamed
of emotions. You always wear it beautifully.

We were in a car; you on the wheel,
me on the passenger seat.
Fresh bride and groom, I let out a squeal
of happiness for I love you with every heartbeat.
We drove around for our honeymoon,
picked up languages to dance in our mouths.
Wide awake at nighttime, sleeping in afternoons,
different adventures, different months/

We were in a car; with me on the wheel,
you on the passenger seat.
Went for a check-up when you felt ill.
We picked up a scattered magazine to read
as doctors and nurses bustled in and out.
We were assured that you will be fine
so we continued to drive and shouted
at your sickness to leave you alone.

We were in a car; me on the wheel,
your clothes on the passenger seat.
Try as you might, you couldn't seem to heal.
I couldn't take in all the deets.
All I remember was our deal and I had
to laugh at the irony. The only person
who cheated was life. Now you're dead
and I'm left, driving alone on this transition.

-m.b

Knowing you has taught me many things.
You taught me how it feels like to be heard.
You taught me how to be strong.
You taught me to look inside me
and all the beauty inside it.
You taught me to see my worthiness.
You taught me I wasn't the monster
I thought I was.
You taught me that I can be powerful
and that you can be powerful too.
You see, you also taught me that
those Greek myths I've been reading
up on can be true.
I realise that you're a living gorgon.
How your blood could either
heal me
or **** me.
Above all, you taught me I deserve better.
And so I beheaded you.
Because you were right.
I deserve better.
Better than you.

-m.b

My deepest feelings and thoughts;
I put into words.
Intricately woven
into lines upon lines,
stanzas upon stanzas.

If I were to write poetry
for the rest of my life;
Then if I am old and gray,
everything will be stripped away.
Until I am stark naked, completely bare.

You could see everything
inside me, like a showcase.
All of my bones and nerves, singing,
tied together by words like a maze.

And if I were to say
what I'm made of,
I'm made of science,
history and poetry.

-m.b

The tears welled up,
fell,
and streamed down
into a river.

My love for you was as natural
as a constellation formation,
as a gathering of storm clouds,
as flowers blooming then wilting.

But I guess it is just
as natural for this to end.
Like the sky clearing up
after a whirling of tornadoes.
Like a bird no longer tweeting
when the night comes.

What tears I've shed,
will be  refilled again.
I have loved, they have left.

But I will love again.
For I am ever growing.
I am made to love and hope.
And I will never run out.

-m.b

He still loves you. Even when you broke his heart by rejecting him many times. I know you didn't expect him to fall this hard for you. I know you felt like you led him on simply because you were confused at a certain time; you felt comfortable that someone cares this much for you, you almost thought you liked him back. However, you realised you didn't feel the same way for reasons you know (or don't) but there's a gut feeling that tells you, you two are not meant to be. And so, with a heavy heart, you rejected him again and again. Softly at first, then harder next. Because he needs to know the truth: you're just not that compatible.

Then you meet someone else. You feel it, don't you? This time it's real. But he's still pining for you. I know you feel the guilt slowly suffocating you when you watch his crestfallen face when he catches you looking at your partner adoringly. I know you feel bad but he'll find someone else. You can't force yourself to like him back, no matter how sweet he is to you. It's a messy, confusing and painful experience but it's inevitable. You just need to give some space for both of you to untangle the knots. Give him time to heal. Eventually both of you will find your own happiness, and you know it isn't from each other. Someday the love he gave you will come back to him in waves and he'll be thankful you rejected him. But for now, it isn't anyone's fault.

-m.b

A soft and sleepy "I love you too"
floated from the room before I turned
and left.
Left the bed.
Left your body.
Left a part of my soul.
Without certainties
that we'll be
in each other's arms
again.

-m.b

I will be the one you think of
but right now is not the time.
I will be the reason why you cry, boy
cause what we have is intertwined.
And although your heart is breaking,
I'll be free finally.

You will think of me.

Cause for once, we won't collide.
I'll be the one to smile at you.
Baby, there's nothing to hide.
We were happy once, it's true.
But now we have to go our own ways.

Don't worry, I'll stay tonight.
Holding your head, caressing your hair.
Reminiscing the good times;
The love we've built everywhere.
I know it hurts, we've seen it all.
But every story has an ending.
If we were Troy, this is our fall.
What we had was really something.

Tonight and every night after,
you will think of me.

-m.b

You said that you don't like him
But why can't you stop smiling when his name is mentioned?

You said that you don't like him
But why does your heart beat faster;
You catch your breath when he's next to you?

You said that you don't like him
But why do you get so worried whether or not he'll leave you on read when you text him?

You said that you don't like him
But why do you scout for him in the sea of faces?

You said that you don't like him
But why do you go to bed thinking of him and he's the first one in your mind when you wake up?

You said that you don't like him
But why do you keep talking about him and wanting to bring him up everytime you open your mouth?

You said that you don't like him
But why does everything remind you of him?

You said that you don't like him
But why are you writing this very poem with him in your mind the whole time?

-m.b

I ran out of things to burn to send you smoke signals. Or maybe I just want to preserve what I still have so I would not destroy my treasures anymore. I do not want to wake up one day, completely alone in an empty space because I keep burning things to make you notice me. Why am I always the one sacrificing things here? Now my lungs are filled with polluted smoke, my heart pierced by longings, head filled with strong debates on whether I should keep you or leave you. Do I send you one last signal? Or is the silence already a message sent?

-m.b

If you're wondering how it feels like to date me, I would describe it.

On a rainy day at home, I would walk around with just a t-shirt and in my short shorts. Even though I'm cold, I would brave through it.

On a hot day outside, I would wear my sweaters and denim jackets. I wouldn't even roll my sleeves.

If we're together, I would hold on to your hand a lot. Pulling it to my lips to kiss it softly, or I'd rub your fingers, tracing out shapes on the back of your hand or making swirls on your palm with my finger.

Occasionally I would write you letters. Telling how much I adore you, thanking you for staying with me and helping me when I'm a mess. I would even write poems and songs based on you.

On good days I would send you pictures of me, with either one of these three types of captions. 1) "Oh look I feel cute today" 2) "Is this okay? I'm not sure if this suits me," or 3) I say nothing at all, just waiting for you to shower me with compliments. I'm a sucker for memes. Sometimes just one or two react pictures would make my day.

I love road trips with my favourite people. Especially if they get my humour and listen to the same music genre as I do. I adore being close to the beach, watching sunsets and sitting beneath the night skies.

I like long intellectual conversations. Tell me about constellations and Greek myths. I enjoy listening to legends and the origin of things. The history, art, culture and languages of other parts of the world. Tell me what you think of our society and how we could improve it.

Maybe it's narcissistic but occasionally I would ask you questions about myself. What is it about me that made you want to be mine? What was your first impression of me? Is it different than how you see me now? Am I someone that you've been wanting and waiting for your whole life? Or am I a creature that you never thought would exist?

I love listening to people's stories as well so tell me about yourself. What was it like growing up in your home? Are our parents similar in many ways? What did you want to be when you were five years old? What was your favourite food when you were in high school? What's your biggest fear?

Most of the time I appreciate silence. We don't need to talk all the time, especially in the morning. I get really quiet in the mornings because I usually get too anxious.

I get talkative between 11am and 5pm. I would crack jokes a lot and sing or rap to Twenty One Pilots. I'd even make random songs out of the blue.

After midnight I would pour my heart out completely, especially in text messages as I couldn't form the correct sentences verbally, my mind works too quickly. That's where my deepest fears and worries would explode and I'd spam you with my thoughts. I hope you're okay with that.

-m.b

Usually it feels like being under murky water. Very dark, a complete blur, unable to talk or you'll consume the ***** liquid. The inability to reach out because they can't see your form beneath the waves. You can't hear past the waters. no matter how hard you strain. Getting your legs tangled in the weeds below, pulling you in, pulling you in, pulling you in. With not much hope to let you breathe fresher air again.

But I hung on to that tiny thread of hope and I got better.

However, here I am. In a different environment yet I'm still struggling. This time it's like being in a cool, sandy desert. No sunshine, just stormy grey clouds. People would pop in now and then, asking me how I am. I would smile and tell them I'm fine through a grimace because I'm clutching my chest, it's like I'm breathing through corrupted lungs. Why is it so hard to breathe? Why is it so dark and gloomy? Why do I feel so terrible on the inside? Is this getting better??

-m.b

We are like DNA strands.
Coming together, intertwined
into a double helix.

Our stories were written
before life breathed in us.

We are similar,
though not identical.
But we come together;
Inseparable. Here we are.

A part of each other,
linked into a ladder.
Together, we make up
as an individual.
We are science at
its finest.

Our love is our hypothesis.

-m.b

Didn't realise just how much I associate some songs with you until I play it out loud and instead of singing and dancing around, I just stand there with an ache in my chest, missing you 10x more and wishing we could talk again.

I thought I was okay but moving on is such a tricky thing. Some days I'm having a good time and I don't think of you at all and some days..some days you're all I think about and I miss you. I miss your eyes and hair and voice when you call out my name and hype me up.

How you'd ask me how I'm doing and I'd tell you in great details even though my day wasn't all that productive but you'd listen anyway cause you genuinely care. How you could say anything and it's like butter sliding down a warm pancake; making me feel good and happy. So happy.

But now I'm just barely going through life, day in and day out; climbing into bed at night hoping I could see you when I fall asleep. Then waking up, reaching for my phone wishing your name would pop up. I miss you. I miss you. Don't you miss me too?

-m.b

I'm looking at everything and at everyone
but not at anything or anyone
in particular.
My eyes fleet over the distance
but not drinking in any detail.
I'm in a daze;
Hunched over in my oversized jacket,
hands hidden in pockets.
Sad sad.
This place is too noisy;
I'm getting warm with agitation.
My eyesight is blurry.
I just want this to stop.
But it goes on and on.
They're looking at me oddly.
Shrugging at each other
when I don't respond.
I tried to smile but fail.
Came out as a grimace again.
I did it again.
Always the odd one out.
"She's in that mood again"
I don't know. I don't know.
b r e a t h e
You'll get back on track again.
Hopefully. Eventually.

-m.b

Time and time again,
I chose you.
And every single time,
you looked away;
never choosing me.

Yet I still paint you in white,
place you on the highest tier.
Look at you with adoration;
with rose coloured glasses.

I still wait for the day
you open your eyes
to look at me.
With open arms,
realising I was right.

The voice saying I'm wrong
are immediately hushed
and pushed to the farthest wall.
You don't know anything at all.
Silly, silly me.

-m.b