03.24.19

I.
   i could not stay awake not for another breath,
    what with you pulling air so close to mine,
thoughts persistent, visions relentless
       (to look around, to remember where you are)
do you know who you are (? )
  scoffing somewhere, removed from me
were their eyes to fall upon me
    she is omnipresent, all around me when i breathe-
              gone from here
  

none of this feels familiar,
      not the sheets not the shadows of the room,
     the lights flicked off and i feel-
      heat from your body over the moisture of mine
               (i recognize none of it )
vividly i vision the seams of buildings
edges of avenues, bordered in cars and trees
              bridges i crossed everyday; away
            ( anxious i self inflict, i gasp)


   days stretch on like where are the lines ?
   where are the spaces, from calendars to clockwork
saying when and how and who done it
          to number time, confine the time, throttle-
with the windows always dark,
      a blue sky in a frame on the kitchen wall,
      could belong absolutely anywhere
      and i recognize nothing, not the floor
      not the ceiling where i lay, you besides me
      all day and all night, i see distortion
       (strange to accept and hard to believe )

9:57 pm


II.

strength of something torn from here,
    paradoxical; gone and omnipresent
wrapped in this flesh of yours
    however absent/// longways away from here

    no word of yours or mine could be said
without grain from some other
        fruitful tree;  i see orchards !
they litter the sky
    so much of this life is inescapable

10:09 pm


III.

were i to close my eyes i still perceive movement
    limning of you behind my eyelids, aura
i catch the ghosts of wrinkles, were i to open my eyes
       would be your arms;             ( i need not open them)
     i know by some imbued reflex that
we are kissing, i see it in my head between the ears
      they melt together, i feel it in the stomach
     not on the tongue where you are making a home
nothing exists but the place where we
           reunite like a bird catching a fish in midair

       movement once more, and know somehow
   no semblance of time, no notion of time
then it is your tongue and your tongue only
   which connects me to this earth for i am smoke;
                  liquid, i am nothing else

i am music then, somehow and by some miracle
  you sing somewhere as well,
    might i be the wind, only hyper aware of the way
i greet your body,
    skin vaporized, my fingers pulverized
i settle like dust all around you
i could be anywhere

       nothing but the fragment
of space/// time where you are here with me
         a body that is separate and somehow
        infinitely harmonized to mine

10:25 pm

IV.

                         i see who i was a month ago,
                                                            ­      unrecognizable!
      the path from here to there
                                     has been erased like wind over sand

      a tie has been severed,
                                          to the other life,
                                    she might as well have been killed
                           on a commute somewhere
11:48 pm


V.

at last, words slither out like animals
   a burrow, a hole in the ground
   they were buried, at last you dig graves, collect skeletons
   (it is something you do at night)

one does wonder, what good is reached by
     accumulating laughter; i have never laughed
              as i do now

11:51 pm

--------------------------------------------------------  

03.­25.19

VI.
  
           static whistles in the background
       of an intermediate place
                a place with no name

         i think perhaps i am a furred leaf
                      for i grow roots around water ///

a rocket ship sends a message back where it came from
a planet formerly known as HOME:
[i am safe somewhere]

12:09 pm


03.28.219

VII.  

i clean my mouth of it,
i purify that which has so clouded,
   depths of the murky mind
i wash my hands of it
i dissipate fear
i eradicate guilt
i bathe my toes in a river
     un-tethered from all
which has so consumed me
i breath into lungs
now drowned into action
a pull from my chest, over and onto
heaving gasps of fresh air-

somewhere between our hands,
dust settled:
     ( i let it gather)
truth speaks discomfort,
i **** paralysis!
    fight or flight,
the third instinct, to freeze
may we be rid of it
may the mind be free from all
idle thought and hollow circuits

(a yellow bird flies onward,
a prayer... )

1:12 pm

tonight's the night, i learn to fly
     in dreamful sleep, awake - alive
   with purpose set, in my mind's eye
      in little death, i taste the sky

              pictures float, they hurry by
            to barely grasp, a whisper sighs
           my breath is mine, but "what" am "i"?
                      the universe, it dreamed up sight

         tonight: tonight, again i die
       the smaller death, seems death is shy
            i breathe in deep, resistance dry
            i hurry then, to taste the sky

don't ask me how i am i don't like that ******* question
you wouldn't know what to answer, you'll think its an aggression
i know its easier to just say fine, i never learn my lesson
if i could skip out on all the small talk, that would be a ******* blessing

seventeen to eighteen weeks, i slip again into depression
stupid hard to even talk about, too hard to even mention
watch me sleep for thirty weeks, in an attempt to kick the tension
once again all in my head, a maze made of perception

staring into the ******* mirror, and i don't see my own reflection
these fractals all over my face, span out into sucession
if we go back to two years ago, would you call that a regression?
he asked for *** then ghosted, i lost all of my affection

was that last line a confession? i was supposed to keep discretion
what with him having a girl for three years at the time of the "exception"
phoning me after months of silence to set up a ******* session
maniac depressed and taking pills, does that worsen the transgression

did you know i wouldn't refuse and in fact wouldn't even question?
well they seem  pretty happy now, they can have my ******* blessing
ask for *** then ghost me, after twelve years of ******* friendship
everything is dancing and i dip my ******* pen tip

i don't have much of an incentive, to be ******* inauthentic
mostly i'm just trynna cope, so i segment it and dissect it
to trace over the wound, twelve years of something friendship
all things must end and die, i don't presume to prevent it

existence goes from point a to point be,
point a is a darkness, and vast like the sea,
we manifest in the darkness, a frantic plea,
the moment i died i was glad to be me
     surrender last breath, no resistance, no pause
happy to go because i was happy i was
whatever i was, collapses, four walls
i howl in the dark it tears from my jaw
    
     collapse on the ground from euphoria, pain
gawk from outside of myself, dissect my own brain
what does this body, this vessel contain
drift aimless in absurdity, i die death by rain
     this water wont let me breathe, breath is inane
faces with the eyes rolled back, their laughter insane
i'll tell you what the joke is now, gather myself up and explain
108 billion *******, we all live and die the same

      and i get too anxious at night, i feel the blood neck in my veins
feeling like a ******* ball of meat, an animal again
i'm an animal again, frantic, erratic inhumane
if i let the fear go to my belly, it will give me a migraine
      in the empty room, i let go, all emotion is mundane
just chemicals in my brain, just compounds all in vain
if an answer could be found, inward bound and arcane
no trite ****, acknowledge all and every is profane
    
       comfort is a falsehood, a funny jest to entertain
existence is disquieting, a real ***** to explain
language is a funny string, language is a cage
language is my favorite toy, keeps my lil brain engaged
       i like to move furniture around, i like to rearrange
stare back into the mirror, watch my skin drip, i have aged
it frightened me so much i learned to laugh right to my face
i order my books by color, i make myself laugh on a page
    
     the only thing that matters as i dream away the days
the blunt force of my human will,the impulse to create
     it fills me with an unknown light, it filters all my rage
organize and reassemble, acceptance, no afraid
am i letting all control go is this ***** breaking the chain
least until i wake again, step outside another cave

i take drugs i don't understand
i smoke cigarettes, a bottle in hand
i say i need another and still i have the nerve
to say i have command, to say i am alert
statesmen , officeholders, yell to run and vote
what the **** does that word mean, and what the **** is a choice?
      the pocket screen is screaming, this one i chose to hold
a square box in my little hands, might as well call it rope
let me tie it around my neck, let me pour in all my hopes
onto the little screen, ego machine, sweet stasis as i choke
      
         inercia grips inside of me, we left the trees so long ago
now i get up every morning, to make richer all the rich folk
am i crying or am i laughing and i don't get this ******* joke
why are so little of us bothered, why does no one else revolt
we float on like dead ******* fish, taking junk taking a smoke
why do we take for granted, this incoherent hoax?
brown red black men scratch into the ground, a white man sells us Coke
everywhere a boot to lick, a fist to kiss and to uphold
       authority needs me blind and dumb, obedient cattle is controlled
i don't know no ******* answers, i don't know no ******* code
something punched me in a ******* dream, i saw his face as i awoke,
and i screamed as i awoke, and i gasped as i awoke-

       my ******* dripped and i was old, it was a glory to behold
worms eating my fleshy face i say goodbye as i unfold,
felt my bones so real inside myself, i began to decompose
and all my ugly was exposed, but it wasnt ugly anymore,
and nothing mattered anymore, i phone my mom her voice is gold,
      i saw her face it was my own, and i felt joy in my little bones
now my death has been postponed, a thousand times, but it will come
( my mind will then explode, all my memories implode)
all life is just a moan on an incoherent road,
that leads no where i suppose, but i still composed this ode
i'm pretty good or so im told, i believe that, i am sold

         me, a bag of organs in a mould, a body i dont even own
information crams my throat, into my body to my bones
i take drugs i dont ******* understand, i swallow tv screens on command
i take money in my hand i feign control, i misunderstand

buried beneath the surface, something ugly to arise
     a demon yelling ******* at the someone they despise
this demon and this person, they share a pair of eyes
           if they look down all the see is, skinny mirrored thighs

all too soon i feel like, anger will arise,
      thrice the average wingspan, a vulture takes the skies
this vulture has no allies, he bites as a reply,
         all he feels is panic, steals my face for a disguise,


          a dog somewhere is barking, teeth dripping as he cries
      the growl he hears inside him, he cannot recognize,
  halfway catatonic, halfway energized,
his breathing has no breath in it, now he´s paralyzed

those blackened hands are shaking, those blackened hands are mine
          he claws away for hours, the sands are grains of time
   each second on the fingers dissolve to the sublime
    the blackened hands are shaking, the blackened hands resign



over and over a cycle, eight hours turn to nine,
         i walk and talk in loops i met the devil, ***** got me to sign
  might get to spit in his face and slavery decline
           no god and **** all master, i attempt to kick the vice

     for every moment i cling stuck, i see fufilled a certain price
to visualize and execute, no ****** rolls no dice
         no way this dog can claim back no otiose spent nights
              claiming the ones to come however many materialize


  old habits are a **** to ****, unified and interwined
       a tangle to get out of, gets hard to breathe or try
      i walk and talk in circles, i dont want to go outside
              watch time burn up ignited, too fast to say goodbye

       so shameful i regret it, unavoidable to cry
    impossible to tell apart, dont try calling, wont reply
     a shard of glass refusing to drip, bleeding tear duct turning wry
i saw a demon in the rearview, now he eats my ******* eyes



over and over a cycle, eight hours turn to nine,
        talking in loops to the devil, ***** got me to sign
      i count the tips of fingers, they add up, more than five,
  each stinging with a shameful tint, all ringing sharp like knives


do you  know how fear behaves, do you know where that ***** hides
           risen from deep down center front, corrodes from the inside
      obscure greyness misty haze, the eye is the ***** of sight
            the tongue is for the tasting bits, the brain is made for flight

so has been the comfort of the dial tone
where i hang my hopes as if i were
a body in the grass somewhere golden
i hang them on your voice as if your voice
       was something solid;
i am tethering everything to your voice,
with stubborn determination
your smile so aphrodisiac, the edges of your eyes
       speaking volumes
suggesting close intimacy so claustrophobic
to unite; the reocurrence is vespertine
and i ache! - for you are missing, missing,
gone from here,
     where you should be
and to anticipation i owe an ode for there is much
to be said about yearning, yearning
growing desperately impatient for the edge
of your neck somewhere close to my mouth
        where i so need it
to sing an ode to your body; electric in impulse
to spill, every yellow secret of mine, every shade
of blue and red and golden; yours to keep forever