8/24/2017

You were the one that chose to cheat
And now. Now you wanna be with me?
Its you and I, there is no we
Its not my fault that you're so weak
Its you that ****** up, see?
But now you wanna be with me?

Without me you go crazy
Try to take your life maybe
In a hospital bed, waiting
But see, I cant be your reason to be
Your temper tantrums dont shake me
You want me to forgive and forget
Because you "need me" and you havent ****** up lately
Its not like five years of lies invalidates any promise you could make me

Histrionic narcissist, even everything wasnt enough
Even eight different women couldnt fix the depth of your insecurity
So you go to church and claim purity
I can say this with absolute certainty
We are done, you and me.

You are a tornado
And I found my way out
But i cant take her with me
I had to gather what was left of myself and flee
Before your chaos engulfed me entirely

And now there is a blameless girl
With a broken dad
An absent mom and a step-mom whos gone
And you are the one to blame
You are the one who did wrong

8/24/2017

I rise

That last interaction wasnt quite what i asked for
Not sure how she feels or why I said that to her
That one thing we all seek
I try to give freely
My body screams i see you
Do you see me?

I rise

My heart stings from the things i cant do
The ones that I loved and couldnt hold onto
The paths that i saw and chose not to pursue
The vague nameless shadow that clouds my view

I rise, I rise

I still see, im still seen
My heart still beats
I know my love language
I speak it with me
There are still secrets I frantically seek
Knowledge is the spark that catches me
Depression is no match for connections and facts
The key to my heart is curiosity

I rise

9/3/2017

Similar feelings in similar situations
Flirty, playful, good conversation
Their names run together in my mind
I bite my tongue before i speak the wrong one
All i want is just one
No, not one of them
Someone who holds me when im hurting and knows when
Knows me, knows how to let me cry
Knows why I speak my mind
Calls me on my crimes
Doesnt tell me lies
Who gets me every time
Yes its sappy and Im whining
Trying to picture perfect
But perfects not worth it
Cuz its never real *
Just a moment you steal
Then reality kicks down the door
Tussled hair, pants on the floor
Youre the fool who got used by a tool
Or you did the using
Its just semantics, but you think you're broken
And thats what it is *
Every time you give, you leave a little more behind
Think itll be different next time
Why?

Because the only other option is giving up on something new
And thats just something you'd rather not do

Aug 21 2017

That girl, she looks like me
Her empathy runs deep
For the broken and bereaved
Shes the type to give her all
But broken angel always falls

She's the type to be used and abused by the one that she loves
Her constant compassion just wasnt enough
She gives
He takes
She thinks its fate
It aint her way to make mistakes
Her friends say wait
Wake up things aint the way he might portray
But she stays anyway
Not seeing her boundaries being crossed every day
Her money being tossed away

But the other woman got jealous
She wanted him to tell her its just us
She tried to wait but she got fed up
Decided to tell on him, show the other ***** whats up

Images that cant be unseen
Insides writhe with fury, pain beneath
Buried deepseated beliefs broken
It set her free
See, * the ties that bind us
Are woven with obligation and guilt
All those years behind us
Even the best relationships built 
With reciprocity
But when you stop and see
Hes doing nothing for me
Thats when you cut ties and flee

But see guilt * is a trickster
Bungee cord it snaps her back
Now she thanks the heavens
For her sharpest weapon
Seven women weilded well
Cuts through guilt that kept her held
And now she is the angel fell
Now first, * she always minds herself
Call it selfish, i call it healthy
No longer soft and lost, her sight is keen
Not beaten, not free, but somewhere in between
Better than average, shes mean
The nuances of trust lost etched like a map across her gaze
She is always thoroughly unfazed
That girl, she looks like me

11/24/2017

Everybody says i dodged a bullet
But the bullet landed
As for the trigger, was it him or me that pulled it?
I thought he helped my heart expand its hard to think i even could with
Both feet braced on solid ground
Our situationship wasnt planned
I know its hard to understand
From the outside its easy to brand me
Can we analyze every time i noticed how masterfully he handled me?
I understand that time is the only poultice
But for a moment Id like to be candid please

The bullet landed and it travelled
It ripped a path through my flesh
Day by day i ate less and less
Let this be as many lessons
As you can manage to pull from this
The side pieces and the rest is all fluff and *******
He put strings on my heart and pulled it
And i danced and said “how high”
And my soul became dull it became harder and harder to wake up every day
Is it ok to say the only redeeming quality is that he never struck me?
But i wanted to escape the pain of being stuck he told me never, ever again to cut
He didnt see that he was the reason i needed release
The Mona Lisa was out of luck

Finally the bullet festered
The pain became so great
And the benefits so much less
The bullet ripped a path
I cut it out and sealed it back
Now the bullet is nothing but waste
And i can find a new way to relate
New tissue to create
It takes talent to close, to suture they say
“Approximate, dont strangulate”
And now the bullet is disposed

So they say i dodged a bullet
But the bullet landed
It ripped a path through my flesh
Til i became so much less
And the wound began to fester
So i cut out the bullet and cleaned up the rest
Now i have a scar to show the truth
The bullet landed
And i still choose
Not to be bulletproof

10/31/2017

Why did I say that thing just now
And how do i manage to sound so proud around the people i want to impress
Im sure they can tell im just a little too loud
I talk a little too fast
Is it anxiety or mania that makes me act like that?
And why wont he respond?
Wait, which he am i on?
My hope for a lover shot down on the daily
But still i manage to feel ok when im not focused on waiting
Entertaining myself in other ways
Playing with words
Word salad, tossed in a ballad, tossed salad
Oops, did i say that?
Donno what im playing at
Dont mind me
Im finding it hard to wind down
If i run, my problems wont find me
Staring at the sun prolly wont blind me
If i pretend to be fine now
Will my demons remind me?
I just wanna share my poetry with someone that thinks like me
Whos likeminded, inspired, desires to climb higher
If knowledge is fire
Then my mind is a lighter
But my soul keeps tripping over her own shadow 
Boxing with my demons in the shallows
Maybe today I let them win
On the Eve of All Hallows, the winner is sin

12/15/2017

Maybe a woman. Definitely not a lady.
Always fluid, everchanging
Transient, human, waxing and waning
Dust to dust, the earth is waiting

Skin deviously separating
Lips and eyes and breath recreating the truth
Impermanence, interrelationships between the two of you
Between the hundreds of thousands of beings surrounding and breathing with you
Being with you
Being me
Being this inexorable mix of light and twisted, my fight is rising, round 2 has been gifted
Moving, shifting, intermixed
Lifting my voice to try to fix the never-ending brokenness
The *******, hoes, the tokenness

My ecosystem intertwined
Roots supporting, climbing vines, climbing high
Rise and rise, the end is nigh, lest we fight this beast beside
These children fighting over limbs
Ripping flesh and slicing skin
Removing organs from the breathing earth within

Ive spoken this truth before
But from a shattered soul
I speak now from a podium
Breathing deep and whole