When I first felt used,
My light and warmth abused,
By grips mostly loose,
I was three years younger than you.

But getting better ain’t forgetting
And I’ve got no right to complain,
I volunteered this body, this heart
To be set ablaze.

Carved by my grandmothers,
Hollywood lit my fire.
The kiss of an Irish boy by the bay
Sent me on my way.

Now I need to be needed
Until they need me too much.
Then they turn me black and blue
And call it love.

I didn’t know love needed
So much blood.

Now I’m growing up.
At 26, I still don’t know love
That you don’t need to beg for,
You don’t need to bleed for,
And you’ll never be too much.

I still don’t know what it feels like
Not to flinch at the first touch.
I know it might never come,
But with you it was close enough.

I didn’t know love needed,
So much blood.

this love,
or not so sure,
but something close,
naive, or pure

it is enough
to sustain me
into waiting for you,
until we

or I
am brave,
and the timing is just right.
Like a tidal wave,

I hope we will look
into each other's eyes,
and see the truth,
beyond the guise,

beyond just love,
meek or concentrated,
whatever.
it is just right.

Goodbye Mama
Sitting over you ,helpless as the very last of your breath was sifted from you without thoughts to retreat , I held your hands in my own ,I could feel how lifeless they've become ,I screamed  for you, but you didn't wake, I tapped you, mom!!!! Why won't you open your eyes and smile at me, mom!!! You're not being fair ,I held on to you begging you to fight a little longer I know mom, I know I was being selfish  , but mom you promised that we'd make it to the end but you broke your promise, you left so soon, I wasn't prepared for you to leave so soon there's so much I'd hope we'd do, I wanted to thank you over and over ... For loving me...  No matter how many times I would say you don't know what it's like ,you always knew the right thing to say ,now you're gone leaving me  broken beyond repair , I know life was tough on  you ,I know you needed relief, relief from a world that  kept you dormant ,I know I'm selfish for wanting you to stay but I can't imagine how I'll survive this world without you, my world is no longer complete ... I don't know how ...to fill this empty space that you left behind, I no longer know how to laugh without you , dream without you ... I'm at this point where I feel like I'm a stranger to myself  .. I see my reflection and it makes me wonder , my thoughts they bring tears to my eyes ,oh mama , you were my first love, my first friend even my first enemy, but nothing on this earth can separate us not time ,not space not even death .  I'll see you again mama for now rest peacefully , you're always in my heart and always on my mind  love you always your baby Yana..

A Jackman

A  red bird sits on a branch
It is winter
He is elegant
He looks proud
Looking at him is entrancing

He brightens everything
He sets the scene
Snow is whiter
Trees are greener
Winter is brighter

His feathers are perfect
On top of his head sits a crown
He has a dark black face
Surrounded by red
His beak matches his color

A bevy of them are lovely
Sitting in bushes or a tree
They look too good to be true
They are truly beautiful
Nature’s art

Red bird

there was a moment in time
when death sat beside me on a park bench
and he had rested his hand on the gap between us

i,

too,

rested my hand there
and brushed my fingers against his

and for a chaste moment
i savoured the warmth of his skin
and intertwined my hand with his

but he stood up

and left

and maybe he knew,

it was for the better.

i tried to find
a song
a poem
a piece of art
something, anything
that felt like
or sounded like
you

i looked
and searched
asked
and wondered
yet no matter what
i tried
there was nothing
that came close

for you
my platonic soulmate
are one of a kind
a light in the dark
warm, soft
kind, loving
selfless
a best friend

i couldn't find anything
because
nothing
nothing is like you

brewing,
steeped so long
the tea is hot,
almost too strong

darkened;
a burning tongue
with steam that also
burns my lung.

porcelain;
tea-cups clamber
broken pieces,
cutting anger.

Ice
on the trees

like ice crystals
on a bottle  

of vintage
soda

steam rises from a cup
of hot cocoa

and the home
is always warm

when the heat
radiates

from
the heart