Hello, I know it's way too late but can I call you dad?
  It hits me when someone mentions your name and I feel the need of that rare hug of yours that could bring the dead back to life, ironically..
I miss you terribly, I can hear you laughing at me right while I'm writing you this, you would laugh that laugh of yours when one of your siblings make a really bad joke, or when your mother hints about how cigarettes are bad for you and that you should quit smoking. I'm sorry, I got drifted away, God I miss that awful laugh so much. Back to the point, you would make fun of this and I would hate it and you'd laugh that laugh and I would hate it, you'd keep the letter and I would hate it as much as I hate that you will never read this or laugh that laugh ever again. I miss you. Your memory is dragging me down again, I wish for a single day with you, just one day where I can tell you "I love you" for the first and last time, where I  thank you for making me the person I am. I'm trying my best to be the good girl you've always told me is hiding somewhere inside me, I don't think she's completely there anymore, just one day of brilliant random advises and lousy little talks about anything and everything that doesn't actually matter, just one more kiss upon your brow, just one last back pat or one last smile, one last hug, one last failed attempt to show you that I do love you, I swear to God that I regret nothing more than taking you for granted, nothing more than not showing you how much you mean to me or for realizing it a little bit too late. I hope you're where we pray to be, I hope God is showering you with more of what you've blessed us with, I hope you're happy, I hope you're happy, I hope you are happy. I miss you. I miss you terribly. Sometimes it feels like I don't have the right to say that I miss you out loud since I've never showed that I could when  you were here when everyone else did, so now everyone has the right to grieve for losing you and not being capable of showing it to you anymore, but they don't understand that  never saying or showing what they have can be way more horrible, and they wouldn't give me the chance to tell them that. I don't have the right to say it or to love you any more than they do, because I didn't when you were here, I'm sorry I didn't. I didn't know how to show it, you didn't teach me how to show it, teach me how to show it! Teach me all the things you didn't for thinking I wouldn't listen, I would've! I'm sorry I'm late. I know I'm late. I'm trying not to be late, always trying in everything, for you. I know it's late for that too but it helps with the guilt I guess.
I am emtionlly paralyzed by the thought of losing you forever.
I keep your advises close to my heart, I'll keep the memory of your beautiful mind and your pretty fake smile even closer and I bet these small thoughts are what will  keep me going, I'll be always proud of knowing someone like you. I shall grow on loving you even if it wouldn't do anyone any good, I shall pass the love you gave me to those whom deserve it. And those who don't, it's enough for all.
You will always have the biggest piece of my heart. Don't laugh at this, this is not a joke and it's okay not to laugh about it, I'll be embarrassed anyway, but it's okay. God bless your splendid soul.
Goodbye? Seems ironic as well. Goodbye.

I shall write another one
You shall take nonsense as an excuse

I shall seek the stars and the full moon for happiness and unacceptable misery

You shall scream the butterflies out, rip the shivers with your bare soft little hands

You shall write my name on the shore and one wave or another can wipe it off

I shall write your name with the stars on the darkest nights, night clouds will hide them, mornings will miss them, high buildings will hide them with jealousy

And I shall unlove you

I shall reach, breathless and embrace you
Effortlessly erase you
Unlove you
Forget
And you shall help

I'm writing this just in case you're reading
Which I know you will
You're fading away like a moon when a sunrise
You're the reason I stopped writing
Keep yourself company
The thought of us is enough
I'm giving the fading moon my back
Sunrise is prettier

I've reached a door after twenty-three years that I apparently can't walk into unless alone, as foolish as I always am.. I decided I'd never let go of my loved ones and lost that last piece of me behind that door and stayed here. Lost, confused as ****, loved but not like I should be loved, communicating when I don't even believe in the word or the magic of that action, but at least with my loved ones.. Eh?


Oh well, if any of you people are reading this behind the door, did I miss it? was it wrong that I quit it? I know it was a mistake, I knew it while I was walking the opposite direction from it as well. I said all the stupid things I'm supposed to say but only when it "felt right" well, nothing feels right. But at least I'm with my loved ones, yeah?


I lay in bed in mornings and for hours at midnight, I walk the roads to everything alone my heart can't stop feeling this sort of unbearable feeling and I think it's trying to tell me something that I still can't figure out or most probably in complete denial about, I eat the food I'm supposed to eat, I hydrate, I walk as much as I can, I stopped listening to blues and only listened to what made my heart race, I've watched my cat give birth to the most beautiful six kittens ever existed, I sit with my mother until she's out of talks, I take long therapeutic baths and treat myself right.. from time to time.. but my heart is still feeling the same way, almost nothing but that feeling, and relates to nothing but that unbearable feeling.  So.. I decided I'd try and talk to my loved ones, my darlings, my whole life which is the reason I chose them over myself and it goes like this:
My sister, my guardian angel: "You should go have a full checkup."
My best friend: "Same"
My loved one: "..."
And I knock the door
Once
Twice
But I stand here alone
hours in the morning, hours at night
roaming all the roads
staring at every wall built
the sky, clouds and the sun
alone
but thinking about my loved ones

Lungs filled with blue smoke, eyes filled with tears, hands trembling, soul filled with fear and worry, if you can see me now, I am sorry for disappointing you, but there is no one to guide me through the right path anymore, and you were wrong, I am not smart enough to walk alone. I am sorry for getting used to all the infinite love, I don't even know what that means anymore, I am ruining myself with my bare hands and you're not here to stop me, please come back and stop me, guide me, teach me more, advise me, love me, talk to me just come back and talk to me, I'll listen, I swear to God I will, I just need to hear your calming voice as a reminder, visit me in my dreams, I started believing in signs now so please give me s ******* sign God ******. I'm sorry, I'm just filled with anger all the time for some reason. I've been looking for you in people, I think the whole family is, your brother is putting so much effort into it it's driving him crazy, your mother misses you and we're all trying to be there for her, she's a mess, mom is being strong about this and I have no idea how she's doing it, your daughters, us we're all ****** up. I think we need you more than ever, send us signs so we'd stop recking ourselves. We miss you and your memory is haunting us. Remember when I told you about how hope can ruin a man? how it's so dangerous and you wouldn't believe me and you thought I was being childish about it like everything else? well look at me now, I'm going crazy hoping endlessly, I hope we'll get to see you in another life, I hope I'll have the chance to make it up to you, I hope I'll get to tell you I love you and hug you all the time and make you a nice cup of tea while sharing all the things you've missed, I hope you'd be smiling and not filled with disappointment, I hope we'll get to talk more about our music, I'm listening to The Beatles while writing this, yes I'm still your Beatles Girl, and I hope to share my poetry with you like you hoped but I never did. I would now, I'll read you each and every one of them, I'll keep no more secrets, I'll carry your love around like a mother carrying her first child for the first time and brag about it and how beautiful it is, I just ******* miss you. You visited me in my dreams, I started crying in the dream and mumbling: "You are my happiest thought and my saddest thought, all at once" over and over again. I've met a lot of people, I know you wouldn't like most of them but there's one person that I'd **** for you to meet, I'm drowning in this person, it's consuming me in every way possible, give me limits. I hope I'll get to tell you all about it. In another life. In another life. In another life. God help me, God may you rest in peace. God, I miss you. I'm sorry for swearing, you used to swear a lot, if you thought no one was listening when you I did, I always did. Okay, I know that doesn't give me the right but I'm taking advantage of you not being around as well, I'm sorry about that too.
Goodbye? I don't believe so. Not just yet.

I'm sitting here in a waiting room somewhere that feels far away from home, mom is sitting right next to me and she's making me nervous as ****. This is not some poem but I'm terrified because I don't know what to expect and its terrifying, but I do believe deep down inside that fear is a really good feeling, fear is probably the best sign you can have. I feel the stars bleeding disappointment,I hear the moon screaming silently for only me to hear, they know I'm crazy but they don't want it to be fixed, I apologize to the moon and stars for I need to make another true friends and it's about time to reveal my farewells, let's hope this doctor fixes me, let's hope I am crazy.

Frowns caused by:
Not being able to reach the rocks in the bottom of the prettiest ocean to draw you the path that suits your existence

Not being able to show you the orchids you grew beneath my skin, the dead stars that's tucked underneath my eyelids or the half dead butterflies that keep feeding on the shivers down my spine

Stepping on the tips of my toes to grab a handhold of the cloud you named after us, I have a taste of the disappointment

We get high on thoughts we seek

Frowns caused by everything but you

I am the smoke you breath in then out and disappear for you to take another puff

I am the dried tears on your cheeks that's caused by sanity and nonsense

I am the night clouds that cover the moon and stars and everything that's beautiful

I am the seaweed in that ocean of yours

I am
Perhaps
Not what belongs to you
Perhaps
Not yet

-Could I, should I? I won't, defiantly not.
-I'm missing something, probably missing that one person but no defiantly not.
-I need a cigarette, lots of cigarettes.
-it's too cold, it feels nice.
-Fuckfuckfuck
-I'm not lost, I'm home. You're home. We're home, I think.. We'll reach there.
-Don't try, it's not worth the effort.
-it's not your fault, it mostly is but at least not completely. Please believe that.
-You look crazy, take a sip of something.
-Wasted youth? Blekh
-Do you believe that we have our own scents? Just like flowers, and just like flowers I want a pretty color to be. I think I hate flowers sometimes, only a bit. No I don't hate flowers, I like them more than humans so yeah, no. I like flowers, I love orchids.
-Think, think, think of the happiest things it's the same as having wings. Not quite.
-What you fear is probably what you're going to lose, fear that. Fear less, fearless.
-don't talk, it'll come out as nonsense and just be annoying noise to them.
-don't, don't go there. Oh ****.
Okay.

اظهر لك ما أخفيه عن نفسي
تعال لأعزف على اوتارك ألحان التمني
فمعازفي تشتكي شوقا
وسفينتي تريد ان ترسي
عشت ببحرٍ، بعاصفةٍ، بقصرٍ
لكن افكاري تتوقك حينما تمسي  
إليك الرجوع و الانتماء
و أقصى رغبات البقاء
فكل ما دونك هراء
والحنين.. فيني لعينيك ليس له فناء
تشتهي نفسي الصحيح منك و الخطأ
تشتهي نفسي و يكاد ينهيها الظمأ
تشتهي نفسي لكن ما رغبت به بعيد
وليس كل مرغوب يدرك
وليس كل مبتسم سعيد..

I might be out of words when it comes to you, welcome me into the world of nothingness.

Humble words, sharp knives, heartless pals, cold drinks, the color blue, huge guns with tiny bullets and flawless art.

It all starts when the blue smoke covering up the place, taking us away, taking over our minds and giving us a moment of appreciation of what's about to happen, what we think is always, always worth it.

Screams that will never be heard, lips that will never be bitten, bodies that  have never and will never be touched properly.

Fast cars can always go crazy on empty roads, groaning and loving the road to make it come alive for at least few minutes, you should be loved like an empty road or walking on water, eating clouds or an icy cold lemonade that playfully goes through your body on a sunny day. But there again fast drivers can take the wrong road and mess everything up.

There can never be a right combination when it comes to you, your words can be like sharp knives or soft flower shower, you like proving yourself wrong but you make sure you do it right, you are my wrong mess, you are mine but others can own you too. You are never right but you always make things right, nonsense. Nonsense. Nonsense.

You wear too many masks, some are bright, some are dark, some scream "love me" and some pushes people away, but I've fully loved you with no masks at all, I've invaded your space, I've witnesses your existence, I've witnessed you, God knows there's nothing like what I have witnessed

Your wonderful mind who I, alone got to understand and admire, the list is endless but I tend to keep it to myself for some unknown reason

At least that's what I remember..

That's all what goes through my mind

Oh, my head?

That's the only place we meet now.

I burn like a wildfire underwater, a fireball drowning to light up what's hidden beneath.

I wash my hands seventy five times trying to get rid of your invisible fingerprints on my hands, I walk hundreds of miles trying to beat the record of walking the path to reach at least a thought from your head, a glimpse of your imperfection, but I fail miserably.

Just when storms appear you lose yourself under the pressure of the invisible oceans and scream out every name that ever caused you a heartache
but none can hear it.
Listen carefully to the secret silent conversations, do as they command.
Lose that glimpse of hope
Hold on to what's left of you
Cry out what's left of them
Fold and tuck the memories
Fly and kiss a star, that shall distract the moon
Have a cup of patience
Shower yourself with ignorance
Everything is just a matter of time

I take words for granted
So, I believed your stares when you thought I wasn't looking

The way your words playfully dance their way out of your breathtaking smirk

The way your hands hold my waist..
sometimes scared and very careful of not getting burned
and at times I can feel the tips of your fingers bruise "don't go away" on my back when you hold me right before I leave

I believed your heartbeats against mine

                               I take words for granted
                    Now I take actions for granted as well

Please.

I hide behind the trees from people, my own thoughts, reality, and you

the waves sing your name
the stars draw a picture of your cheeks
the trees hand me a crown of magical leaves that forbids such things as you

I'm far away from everything else
my plan almost worked
but I found you sitting and staring at the door that I escape to whenever I turn everything off, you're there and I can't do nor want to do anything about it

I guess what the waves, the stars, the unmagical crown of leaves are trying to make me realize is: perhaps I miss you

I stand alone where we first stood
and the place offers me three pills

the first pill will give me the rush, the shivers and the loss of breath, one more warm cup of coffee with a last cigarette, burnt fingers with a puff of cold breeze and three cracked stars that no longer shine

The second pill will make me live through everything again and gives me a chance to ask the unasked questions for the sake of sanity

The third pill offers nothing but making all this go away
there was no good and bad
it was all just a sneak peek of perfection

I cling to my bed, sink your scent in
whisper to myself: "It's just you"

dragging myself into earth
I open the doors of reality to pick between
the burning fire
the darkest cave
and the edge of falling an endless fall

But knowing that by picking any of these doors
I'm accepting to be alone

I take all three pills and pick to stay where I am and go to deep sleep and let my dreams and nightmares choose for me

The End

Part one: mixed signals, shivers down my spine and dancing bunnies in my tummy, singing some sort of lullaby

Part two: your fingers reach for my hand, I hold my breath wondering, if this feels like dancing with storms.. how dangerous would it be if your lips reached for mine?

part three: Exchanging thoughts, we find comfort in the cave our words lead us to, no one has ever been here before

part four: burying my flushed face in my pillow.. I'm frightened.

part five: I think I'm falling, drowning, but since when does suffocating feel this good? I drown deeper, waves dance to our heartbeats

part six: What is happening?

part seven: it hits us that we need to leave everything behind for we don't belong to this place or among these people, we're stuck in a place where walls speak, ceilings disappear when stars appear for them to share their stories for us, tiny rocks keeps reminding that no one will ever find us unless we want to when we shouldn't

We agree on not existing, we're lost, we disappear to not find each other on the same path, waves cheated on us for they want a new song to dance on, our heartbeats wasn't the right one they claimed, I still look for you for suffocating doesn't feel so good now that it's near death, drowning deeper looking for pieces of you finding nothing but signs

signs ask me to stop digging and to look beyond the shore for once

And so I do, to find you flying someone else with the wings you asked me for, I believed the lies the waves tried to drown me with

Give it up now

Fifteen: it's alright, isn't happiness one of the things we tended to seek in each other anyway. It's alright, I'll keep in mind how suffocating felt so good once upon a time. It's alright, I'll learn to grow my own someday.
It's alright, we are alright. Everything is alright. Or is going to be soon..

I woke up to find myself wearing the cloak of unscented flowers
I take it off and the cloak disappears
closed eyes wishing for more of you
I open my eyes to find you wearing the cloak
I walk into your room and smell that place they call home
I walk out, and try to walk in again but the door is closed
No confusion yet
as your hands share their talks with mine
as your eyes share your thoughts with mine
I whisper, smiling: The room is on fire
and you wear your cloak, and walk out.
everything disappears

Free yourself
If they free you
They're your freedom
You're stuck
until you no longer want freedom

You slowly, carefully add the tiny navy blue feathers one by one after fully believing  I can't grow wings on my own. You hold my hand and tell me all about dark broken promises and promise me one. You hold me like I'm a million hundred worth glass crown that's about to break and place it proudly on your head for people to see. Or, at least that's what I thought. You're a part of me I thought I can't detach, true it was hard and painful when you started detaching me but I still believe that you're a part of me I can't ******* detach. My trust lowers slowly on the only person I fully trusted, but it's all right. It's alright. I look at the mirror and see your words written on my forehead, and I weep. I remember your words, how my secrets disgust you, how you say I disgust you. I close my eyes and ears to hear you hating on me to see you effortlessly break the glass crown with your bare hand and wipe the blood from the glass cuts away, I see you burning down my wings, you know all I thought I had was you, all I thought I loved was you and the only place I thought I fully belonged was where you accept me. I hardly believe my own thoughts anymore. I hardly fully love anyone anymore. I trust everyone but with complete trust that they'll betray it and it feels so good, it feels so good because at least I've learned my lesson this time, or haven't I? I miss you a lot, if you're thinking that I've placed a stranger in your place like you did, you're completely wrong. As I said, again and forever, you're a part of me and you can't just cut a part of your body and live like nothing happened. Or can you? It's either you're proving this fact wrong, or I never was a part of you in the first place. I'm in denial about this, I'll always be. Hopefully not.