I use to wonder if there's actually a hell and if there is... what if I'm already there?

I wonder what I did in a past life that got me to be shackled to nothing but pain and misery. What did I do that was so bad that to this day I can't walk across the street without every fiber of my body wanting to get smashed into a million meaty pieces? Maybe I'm just a broken watch that nobody ever bothered to fix and for them, time advanced but for me, I became trapped in purgatory. Except, this purgatory is located in my head. The portal is locked and the key is happiness.

I use to wonder if there's actually a hell and if there is what if I'm already there;
The only difference is that I never had to die to locate it.

This is the hell I live in. This is the hell I’ve created.
One where the dark consumes the light for breakfast and your shadow from the day follows you into the night.
The kind of hell where mistakes aren’t forgiven.  In fact, they eat you alive.
Imaginable thoughts going to bed with anxiety & anxiety cheating with self-loathing.
Depression breaking into your mind and heart like the police with no warrant.
No warnings.
No sirens.
Nothing.
But this kind of sadness isn’t new to me, I lean on it and it leans on me. The only difference is that even though I let go, it still has a deathly grip.
I wished I could go back in time.
I wish I could be saved.
I wish I could be forgiven.
Even if everyone forgave me.
The sole fact is that I cannot forgive myself ...
For this is the hell I live in. This is the hell I've created.

If I went to sleep at night
would it be alright
If I closed my eyes
To the truth that I denied
Lifelessly laying there I cried
For a father whom I despised
Abused and afraid I wondered why?
You broke my heart and you alone did
How could you leave your first ******* kid?
Trapped in a mental cage and one I cannot rid
And ill be honest it still hurts me till this day
When asked about my father I have nothing much to say
You chose another family, another life over me
Made a child and forgot about her so easily


FIGIVENUS