i can't stand this pain any longer. i thought it would get easier but every minute i feel my heart ache even deeper than the moment before, even deeper than i thought was possible. i love being in love. love isn't supposed to happen from 200 miles away. it's strong enough that it does but there is a gaping hole in me that i'm afraid only a lesser distance can mend. it is unfortunate due to the improbability of any fixing. i just want to be held. i want to be in the arms of the only one who truly loves me. and i can't be and it hurts. my insides are screaming at me. and it hurts too hard to fight back. it's devouring my thoughts. i can't think about a ******* different thing. and you know that's how it should be. i think. i told myself love wasn't supposed to hurt anymore. but it does. it made me so fragile. why does something so good have to hurt so bad. it's hard. he's my rock. he's the only person i really have. not one to talk behind my back or keep secrets from me. friends seem to tend to do that. not this one. he's my best friend. and i have to settle seeing him on a ******* phone screen every night. i didn't realize how powerful one's touch could be. a bear hug can fix anything in the world. here i am struggling though with no arms around me. i'm happy with him. i know i am and i'm not clouded by anything. he and i really are perfect for one another. he treats me like a goddess. he knows my darkest secrets and he still kisses me back. he sees me at my worst and i'm still the last person he talks to at night. it's comforting to have a beautiful consistency in your life. it hurts to have it taken away from you. and it's not that i don't still have him. i do. his heart is with me right now in fact. but i feel like i'm being taunted. it's as if God is like ah here is the most magnificent, delicate, alluring thing you will ever have. but i'm going to put it far away from you. close enough that you can have just a taste but far away enough you don't really own it anymore. that's a lot harder than it sounds. i hate the people who question me needing to see him. "oh weren't you two together a couple weeks ago?" "aren't you going to visit in a few weeks?" oh yes pardon me. i have a difficult time not seeing my favorite thing everyday. i'm sure you would too. no one really gets it. not even other people in relationships. they don't feel what we feel. sure they feel some sort of bad pain but it's different than ours. often those people contemplate cheating and other *******. wow what a great relationship you two must have. that's the most ****** up thing about college. people think that's okay. if you want to be with someone else then why the hell are you just dragging someone you're supposed to care about down. that hurts to think about. that people genuinely think there is nothing wrong with cheating. you're a ******* ***** if you do cheat. if the love is strong enough you'll never even need to think about being with another person in your life. grow up. be decent. this turned into a rant but it's aimed towards my friend. i don't know how i'm expected to sit back and let people i care about make mistakes. then if i try to call them out on it i'm the bad person. of course no one wants to hear it. but that doesn't make what the person is doing okay. i'm so disappointed in people these days. i thought the world had a lot more good in it. it's hard to watch my faith in humanity slip away. few people keep up to how standards should be. i'm disappointed with a lot of things right now. i'm mostly disappointed with myself. i can't stay focused. i waste so much time. and i just don't care anymore. my heart doesn't want it anymore. it wants zach but i really mean it when i say that's it. it's hard pretending to want to stay at school. it's hard because i know how much happier i could be elsewhere. not even with him but anywhere that isn't ordinary scenery. i wish i wouldn't have been so ****** up the second half of high school so i could have made better decisions for myself. i'm really let down by who i let myself be. i don't have a real talent. sure i'm good at some stuff but there's nothing i thrive in. life got hard. and i thought it would be easier because i'm happy but i think whoever is up there likes tugging it away. i don't know. i think i'm still sad too. i think there will always be sad parts of me.
that's the only thing i've ever been really good at. sadness.
and where the hell do find a career in that. sure i could write and inspire people through the way i've felt but who the hell gives a **** about an average girl being sad. there are lots of average sad people out there. "not unique enough. next candidate please." i have no idea what the hell is going on with me. i was just genuinely happy this weekend. now i am sad again. i hope i don't get the real sads again. i probably still have them but who doesn't at this point. i just want to know why i'm here. and not just for the sake of love. i know i'm meant to do that. and sure no one really knows what they want to do with the rest of their lives but they at least have options. i feel like i don't. truly. i'm just not motivated enough. and i know i could be but i just don't care enough to force it on myself anymore. life hurts. i don't like that. i just want my heart to be happy and then maybe i'll be better again.
a girl can dream.
this doesn't mean anything. the words did not do well together tonight. i could've sat on my keyboard for an hour and written something nice than this.
here we are again.