I'm not this person
I'm not this person who's emotionally numb
I'm not this person who's content with misery
I'm not this person who stares at a car about to hit her and feels a slight sense of relief because it's the end of my affliction
I'm not the girl that cries herself to sleep
I'm not the girl whose only reason to smile is a cute YouTube video

I'm supposed to be the girl in the picture,  the one that's drowning in joy
The one oblivious to sadness
Not the girl holding back her tears

How are such conflicting concepts housed in the same vessel...
Oh Kodak moment, what a beautiful liar you've shown yourself to be.

Boys were never flustered by her presence
Girls never turned emerald because of her
Her template in a magazine was only ever a mirage
Thinking she's beautiful defies logic
That's why she'll never believe you.
And loving herself has become a mountain instead of a molehill

I really need you to get here...
Soon
I'm starting to doubt you exist
Everyday I come to terms with you not coming
With each thought I lay a brick
Making my walls unbreakable and my soul unreachable
So please, hurry up and get here.

I keep trying to impress you, make you laugh, maybe even approve of me

Each failed attempt is a loss, not only in my mission but my soul;
I lost that, the moment I decided to try.

I don't mean to hurt you with my words , they're not said with the intention to shatter.
You deserve someone that believes in you; who sees how beautiful you are
Who will put your needs before their fears.
You deserve more than excuses , abandoned dreams and missed opportunities.
You deserve more than the mediocrity  my comfort zone offends you with
You deserve someone who's drowned by lust at the mere sight of you
Not someone who can't bare to look at you while you get dressed

I’m sorry. I hope when you find this person you can find it in your heart to forgive me,  I am weak.

See I had you once; I took you for granted because I didn't know what you meant to everyone else.
My desire to have you has become this mind consuming need that's out of my control.
I've been taught to want you
That I'm not enough without you.
That if I don't have you, I have to offer so much more than just me.
I'm pitied without you
Judged without you
Laughed at without you
Held at a different standard without you
I don’t feel worthy without you
Do I want you because you'll make me happy or because I'm told you're what I need?
Am I delusional for thinking I’m remotely desirable without you?
But wanting you causes me so much pain, are you worth losing my self-worth?
Will I appreciate you more now because I've lived without you?
I always wonder what having you would feel like.
Does your presence bring more joy than the sadness brought by your absence.
Does it bring self-acceptance, or the pedestaled global acceptance?
Will the pity end? 
Will all my pain disappear?
Will I finally be enough?
So, skinny, tell me, are you worth it?

Never stop moving
Keep busy
Keep laughing
Keep looking
Keep dancing
Keep moving
Because if the dust settles, it all settles.
You remember the smile isn't real
You remember the job isn't for you
Your path isn't what you wanted
The guy you're with is purely for convenience not love
You're further from your dreams than you thought possible
That "some day" is never coming
So... keep me company
Keep moving
Keep busy
Keep laughing
Keep looking
Keep dancing.

My life is stagnant
My smile is never real,I use it to
masquerade my pain because you can’t handle my truth
I cry myself to sleep every night
I don’t aim for happy anymore;I just want
the pain to stop
I’m stuck in a mental loop of misery and I don’t know how to get out.
Ask me again! Just one more time and I promise I’ll tell you
I just need you to show me you care to see through my lie
That my absence won’t go unnoticed.
**I’m great , life’s good. Can’t complain and you?

We just ended.
You didn't talk to me one night
I wasn't brave enough to text you first
I gradually stopped going online
I'm convinced I'm over you
I think about you a little less

You send me a message!!!!!
I'm extatic!
You tell me I'm beautiful
Tell me you would've loved to be my date
We have  beautiful moments
You stop replying, I start to think maybe he doesn't like me.

Sigh...Repeat.

The real reason I can't get over you is, you're comfortable , you're funny, you're **** and you never told  me could never be.
So I still hope, hope it's not in my head. Hope that you didn't call me beautiful as just a platonic compliment.
Hope that every time you texted me , you spent forever trying to find the perfect blend of cool kid and nice guy.
Hope that something I said will always cross your mind and make you smile.
Hope that every now and then you think of how great we could've been
Hope that I wasn't just another girl
Hope that, maybe I'm the one that got away.
But it's too late now, you've probably moved on.

I wish I could
I wish I still had it in me
I know how much this hurts you
Your affliction pains me...
You can soar with me
Or remain a prisoner to misery
But your joy at my expense is no longer logic to me.

As you slide your arms gentle across my waist
Pull me close and gaze into my soul
You know exactly what I'm thinking...
My God I love you!
I love you,
I love this moment
So much that if you ever hurt me like they warn you will,
We'll be the titanic,  I'll be the band.

Your love was supposed to be the purest
The strongest
The longest
It was never me you saw
But a vessel for a life unlived
Unfulfilled

Maybe someday I can forgive you
But until then my love remains tainted
Possibly nonexistent

People underestimate belonging
You can fit in everywhere but belong to no one
People only love fragments
Some which no longer exist,  or never did
A love filled room  gives the illusion of belonging, reciprocation
But so does a fountain in a desert.

I envy those who have people, or if they're lucky, one  person that loves the fragments enough to put them together and relish in the results.

I'm so much better than this
I'm much better than the girl who let's her weight define her
I've read all the quotes that tells me what really matters
That tell me it's my personality , my mind, my humor and my soul that matter
But I feel so betrayed
I have all of that
But  I can't see past my circumference
I'm talented,  I'm smart and beautiful but everyday
Like clockwork
I cringe at the glimpse of my reflection
I exert myself on the treadmill hoping it'll make a difference
Count calories to see how many are left for the day
I'm so much better than being the girl whose crane in the sky is something so superficial.