my nights of metallica and constant wondering,
are probably my favorite.
life picks you up by the shoulders,
shakes you round a bit,
and finally asks,
what am i anyways?
'til you just realize once again,
you'll never know the real answer

life should be like making peanut butter pie.

fairly easy,
a five ingredient sorta thing,
where you have most of it in your cupboards already.

a little messy,
like when you turn the mixer on high,
instead of medium,
and peanut butter dances across you chin.

super sweet,
a cup of powdered sugar,
could make the whole day a little easier.

rewarding,
like when mom smiles at the creation you've made,
and dad laughs at the peanut butter on your chin.

and it won't last too long,
and you might feel like it disappears too quick,
and be bummed when the last piece is gone,
but remember, that pie was good.

I'm angry so I write
I'm sad so I write
I'm happy so I write
I'm scared so I write
I'm confused so I write
Although nobody knows how I feel
I've let it all go
Through my fingertips

i once heard a quote
it went something like
"one of the cruelest things you can do to someone is to pretend you care about them, more than you do"
that's actually exactly how it goes
might sound nice off some kashi poet's lips
but the feeling is what really makes this string of words strong
one's feelings
real or not
can completely ruin another
and when you finally see
that they don't care for you as much as they used to
or care for you at all, even though they said they did
it hurts like hell.
feels like bullets to your already ****** chest, from your heart being previously ripped out viciously by good ol' reality's unforgiving hands.
and that may be an understatement.
anyways, if you don't love another
or care about them,
don't pretend you do,
because even though those words,
sweet like honey off of your pink lips, make her smile big.
the tears that follow lies
are the nastiest of all
and no sweet words
can fix a broken heart

I used to hold my tongue
Stop my fists
Prohibit negative thoughts

Speak to comfort
Unravel my fists
Think happy thoughts

I used to hide my screams
Bite my cheek
Think before I spoke

Speak softly
Release my teeth
Think and don't say at all

I can't do it anymore
I scream out loud
Bang my fists
Blurt all of my thoughts
I can't do it anymore

light blue stretches in my mind
the houses dark
almost empty looking
the air cold
and my muscles too tight
a slight pain in my heart
and my head full with regret
orange streams back in as i step into the house
the smell of a sweat and stale cheerios fills my nose
a deep red soaks into my brain as I reach the top of the stairs
the dark room and couch all add with
the warm air, and smell of chili powder to sum it up
i will fall asleep again with orange
green text bubbles and repetition of my lock screen
x-small shirt and ***** carpet
leaves me once again with orange
orange, orange, orange
i get discouraged as my days end like this
where is the blue
the brightness that excites me
and shows in my eyes
but all i get, night after night
orange, orange, orange

I feel like an event
Waiting to be squeezed
Into your calendar

I feel like an afterthought
Waving my arms in front of your face
Vigorously until you remember I'm there

I feel like a cushion
That you fall back on
When someone pushes you down

I feel like a flamingo
In your flock of seagulls
Different  and laughed at

I don't want to feel like an
Event or an afterthought
I don't want to feel like a
Cushion or a flamingo

And I'm not going to be
Those things for you anymore

this whole "getting over you" thing
might sound easy.
just be happy, they say.
but it's a bit hard when everything reminds me of you.
from bumper stickers, to whole cities
you're linked to most everything i know
so this would be easy if you weren't so important
but you were,
well are.
****, it's hard

Headache and heartache come hand in hand
My head pounding
My heart skipping beats
My head confused
My heart tearing apart
My head aches
And so does my heart

i hate the way you smirked at me,
and how you know everything.
i hate the way you made me laugh.
i hate it when you sing.
i hate your extra small t-shirts
and how i never said goodbye.
i hate you a lot,
so much it makes me cry.
i hate it when you don't answer,
i hate it when you're sweet to me.
i hate it when you make me blush,
even more when you can't see.
i hate it that you're far away
and that you harshly lied.
but most of all i hate the way i can't seem to hate you.
not even at all,
not even a tiny bit,
not even if i tried.

If poetry is just words
that already existed before,
then couldn't everyone do it?

If running is just moving
and most every person has arms to pump
couldn't everyone do it?

If art is just the colors of the rainbow
put on paper with a crayon,
couldn't everyone do it?

If cooking is just food
being put in a pan or oven,
couldn't everyone do it?

And if life is just living
and breathing everyday,
couldn't everyone do it?

My answer: No

Your answer: I don't know

When you really observe
It's almost a shock
You gasp, and can't stop looking
Looking for explanations
Looking for anything
To help you erase it from your mind

My words are kind
My mind wanders
My thoughts are happy
Because of your smile

My actions are gentle
My eyes are bright
My stomach is tingling
Because of your laugh

My heart feels safe
My laugh is frequent
My smile is wide
Because of you

i've read about it in books,
but would not like to tell about it in my life story.
it's something you cringe at,
but when you're staring at a TV screen.
this is real life,
how can i pretend?
smile my sweetest smile,
and talk my sweetest talk.
but when is it okay to stop?
to yell, to cry, to pound your fists.
bite your cheek, they always say.
but i can taste the blood,
and i need to get it out.

i try to imagine you there
knees barely fitting under the desk
hair in a mess of curls
assortment of writing utensils in your right pocket
phone in the other
full smile
shining eyes
but i am then absorbed by reality
and all that is left is an empty desk

i have these different people,
that all live inside of me.
and i wait and wait for the day when just one does.
when i have one heart,
the same wishes,
one vision,
all hope,
but today several still interchange everyday.
i can't be an author, an athlete, and an admirer of botanists.
i can only be an athlete for an hour
then at night, an author,
and from 12-2 an admirer.
when will the many people combine so i can just be one?
so i can be all.
so i can finally be all of me,
all at once.

Unhappiness washes over me,
in a terrible wave of overwhelming agony
I can see it
Even taste it
Hear it in the toneless voices spoken
Smell it on the clothing worn by the undetected broken ones  
I feel alone in knowing this
Our whole life you have built for us
Is slowly crumbling into rubble dusted with regret,
strewn among a barren land of twisted memories
Our story is coming to an end
Yet some of us try to hold on
Grasp on to every last bit of positive feeling
that is given by the words off her lips
Hugging tighter
Looking to gain a trusty allie
But before we end
We must realize that
Wherever our story may finish
We will start new ones
And build two shining cities
Among the rubble
Where happiness can be spotted between them
Even though, they no longer are identified as one

I sit on the rocks
watching the water
splash against them,
missing my feet
by an inch or two.
The small shells stuck
to the rock motionless
unlike the tide.
I gently pull one off
and hum to it.
It partially reveals itself
and I smile
throwing it back into
the sea wondering
where it goes now.

I suddenly know why I loved you
The way you smell when you wake up
And your crooked smile
How you're painfully honest
And a bit awkward at times
Realizing these little things
Scares me that I'm falling again
But I then realize I just miss you
Who we were before "love"
And the time when a crush was a crush
I just wish you didn't still look so broken
I wish I didn't hurt you
You would've saved me from hell I endured in the future
You were right
I didn't see it
With love and pain
In your eyes
We pretend to forget
And remain as friends
But I know we both remember
The difference is I don't want to go back to "loving"
And sadly you may

i need to be able speak.
without the look,
without the judgement,
without the eye roll,
without the blank stare.
but i also need to be able to listen.
without the look,
without the judgement,
without the eye roll,
without the blank stare.

when waiting,
don't you have to be sure that there is something to wait for?
what if you are stuck waiting for a train that never comes,
or a dream that will never come true,
or a lover that will never love you?
would you still wait?
would you waste your time?
because i can say,
that i would not.
hop on a plane,
dream bigger,
and find somebody that loves you back.
don't be stuck waiting,
because as you look back,
you don't want to realize
that you spent one hundred percent of your life waiting,
and no time really living

a place of safety? he wonders
and i don't hesitate to answer.
well my mother's bed
something about it, i continue
the way the comforter never attaches to the foot
and the sheets wrinkle into folds of security
the smell as i breathe deep into the pillows
unchanged no matter the location
makes my tears subside little by little
soaking up thoughts of regret
and provides a feeling no human could give
well, besides my mother of course.
a feeling of overwhelming safety, all in my mother's empty bed

only 5 words,
yet 5 thousand couldn't begin to explain.
the intent of these words is to remind someone,
but i think really we are looking for something else.
reassurance i presume.
so, when there is no response,
one tries to hide the brokenness they feel inside.
this feeling is technically irrelevant,
because one knows it means nothing,
but some humans have the tendency
to overthink all things in their life.
take me for example,
taking the time to write this poem

i fixed you
patched you with everything i had
even if that meant pouring out my heart into your hands
you have it now
do you feel better?

i am overwhelmed
by how much i underestimated
it makes me feel badly
the way i thought before
i never knew this side of you

the change in colors annoys me
the light blue stuck in the cracks of ancient houses
the pattern of the clouds
and the silence of the ride.
all of a sudden the gym is blue
the way her hair falls
the arch of a shot
a deep yellow at the smell of dust
old kitchen utensils and sheer table cloths
the food red as we set it on the counter
and showers yellow
old shirts and new words
all a yellow
orange doesn't settle
stays away for the moment

i fall into nightmares,
only to be abruptly pulled from them
into a wave of crazy love
where your arms are around me,
and you whisper soft words into my ear
making me smile insanely.

i feel like i have let you in.
i haven't used specific words,
but i can just feel you,
in my brain,
like someone else,
knows the secrets that live in my head.

i have let myself trust you
and i don't believe that this is a mistake,
i believe your sweet words,
and cherish every grin off your lips
and i truly think that your love is true.

i have given you this power,
the kind of power to destroy me.
but there is no turning back,
because i'm truly head over heels,
crazy about you

i breath in
and open my eyes
another orange day it'll be
the lines are too straight
the walls too *****
air too hot
surface too cold
all adds up to the orange that crawls beneath my skin
blue finally comes
at the sound of laughter
so rich and full
goldfish and m&m;'s
scattered among the table
hands warm on my knee
i shudder as the orange comes again
the lines too straight
i smell the hot air and the walls are too *****
chair cold as i sit
orange, orange, orange

when they say that,
"one may be able to make your heart melt"
they may be right

one can crush your heart,
into so many pieces
that it incinerates within the time of utter unhappiness

one can play with your heart,
for too long
that it breaks from the games and germs of the world's love diseases

one can tear your heart,
so roughly,
that you bleed tears of sadness from your eyes

so yeah,
i guess you could say
"one may be able to make your heart melt"

before i gave too much,
i let it pour out of me like a waterfall,
letting them soak it up.
only for them to set it back at my feet in a bucket,
full of my hopeful love.
now,
nervous and waiting,
a stream begins to flow from me,
but i'm having a hard time accepting your waterfall,
for mine is just a mere trickle.

i almost half hope to be back in that place
where it was all normal
it felt okay
the stares weren't awkward
and conversations were long
i still see you like that,
even though i know i have to stop
it was important
and everything we had was meaningful
well you live and you learn i guess
that includes all of the missing
and wishing
and hoping for something else
the thing with life is that it has no rewind button
no retry
you don't get a second chance
so you become familiar
with the regret
the constant wishing and hoping
unfortunately

When you are not here
Things seem to go so wrong
My endless wishes of your presence
Make my poems grow very long

When you are not here
Things suddenly don't make sense
My movements that grow rapidly
Leave muscles feel so tense

When you are not here
Things fall apart and break
My unanswered calls and cries for you
Leave me wide awake

I never thought
That one person
Could be so many things

That one person
Could fulfill so many positions

That one person
Who is my best friend
The one who I tell all my secrets to
The one who laughs at all my jokes

And that one person
Is my other half
The one who completes me
The one who loves me with all their heart

That one person
Is also be my protector
The one who would jump in front of a bullet
The one who hugs me when everything goes wrong

And that one person
Is my lover
The one who makes my heart melt
The one whose touch makes me shiver

I never knew
That, that one person
Would be you
But as I think about it
I am so very happy that it is

my stomach does backflips,
but it isn't butterflies.
i cringe as he continues.
i wish he would stop talking,
then i could think straight.
get his face out of my mind.

sometimes we get angry
at the places we can't go,
and the people we can't see,
and the songs we don't hear.
but it isn't the place's
or the people's
or the song's fault.
it is simply our own.

away from home
i can choose my own,
or not.
i work hard for nobody,
but merely myself
with only one thing missing
i'm stuck between
starbucks runs and college dinners
crosby still and nash and independence
motherly love and loneliness
yes freedom is fantastic
independence is incredible
and love is sometimes a lie
but love from a mother
is a constant need
that can't be filled by text messages and short visits

the world gets so heavy,
that when we finally feel strong enough to hold it up,
we think all the weight is gone.
but actually,
we've just gotten stronger
and it doesn't feel so heavy anymore.
we don't always need to be strong,
it's okay to drop the weights for a while.
rest your body,
rest your mind.
you can't be strong all of the time.

There are secrets we whisper
Secrets that slip
Secrets that ruin
Secrets that are hidden
But they don't have to be secret
If we can tell ourselves when
We wake up and go to bed
That they are still true
It becomes fact
Not secret

he surprises me with certain words,
that make my stomach fill with butterflies.
he makes me smile ear to ear.
his soft words, like sweet sugar,
brightening my untrusting heart.

you swim in my thoughts
and even after weeks
i can't stop thinking
did i say the wrong things,
did i love you too much,
did i not love you enough?
i guess i will never know,
because you never answered my hello
but my stubborn heart still loves you with all it has
maybe this was your plan,
to love me,
to lie,
to break me,
to tease me,
and then when i had nothing left,
take one last hit,
to destroy me

i want to laugh
the touch of your bodies
and the time in which it all happened
what a wimp you were
glad to see you've manned up
i like the new fire in your eyes
glad it didn't come sooner though
probably wouldn't have come at all with me
i'll always love you a little
i hope you love her
and if you do
make sure she knows.

i dream of this love
because i miss you
reading our old messages
and remembering your grin
and the way you winked
and stared
makes me dream of you more
they fill the space
that you're supposed to fill
the space for sweet words,
hugs and kisses,
holding hands and late nights
i wish you'd fill it yourself
so i'm not stuck dreaming

i don't think i have ever said sorry,
or looked at him since then.
it remains a secret to the world,
i forget sometimes too.
until his face appears,
or hers.
and something in my heart hurts,
so much that i swallow my words
and look away.
nobody can understand what it was.
dumb love, people say
among teenagers.
but dumb love doesn't last years,
but can be counted in days.
my heart still hurts

you first spotted me up there on the shelf
shiny and new to your eyes.
you smiled at my glory
and took me carefully in your hands.
you brought me home with you
and on your face was the biggest smile that i thought the world had ever seen.
after a while,
you remembered i was only a toy.
you had me in your hand already
and you could do with me,
whatever your heart desired.
you made me feel special at first,
as if i was the only toy you had ever wanted,
as children do.
i smiled and felt so important,
until i was thrown into your toy box.
i looked around in disbelief,
tears in my eyes,
as other toys surrounded me.
in your heart, you felt just as much love for them,
as you did for me.
at some time or another,
the glow was no longer in your eyes when you looked at me.
i was *****,
i was old.
i fell deeper and deeper into your toy box,
until i hit the wood at the bottom.
these are the toys you no longer play with,
the ones you have forgotten.

every love song that sounds,
every wedding bell that rings,
every break up,
every tear.
brings us all back.
we sit in silence at dinner,
for i accidentally reminded us all seconds ago with a single word.
she smiles, putting on that face,
for that little boy seated across from me.
we look at him hopefully,
"i gotta ***"
he says,
ungracefully breaking the delicate silence.
he leaves us biting our cheeks,
smiling small,
thinking big.
it's right here,
growing stale once again,
filling up the air.
causing us to inhale the secrets,
we've tried to let go of.
they're clogging up our systems,
drowning us in ourselves,
once again...