Your absence of words scares me
I miss your words
It kills me as I see you
My mind flies away
And my brain fills with you
No room for other thoughts
I am crazy about you
But I miss the flare,
The fire in your eyes when you look into mine
When you hold my hand
Tell me you love me
I honestly miss the old you
But maybe you aren't crazy about me anymore
If you even ever were...

honestly i'm scared.
you talk and i try not to look.
it hurts too much.
words comfort me,
and i want to believe them so bad.
does it get this good?
am i dreaming?
it can't be real i finally think.
but i love you so much.
i don't care if i get hurt.
it would be worth it.
at least i have you for now.
i love you too much to do anything.

i hate the way you smirked at me,
and how you know everything.
i hate the way you made me laugh.
i hate it when you sing.
i hate your extra small t-shirts
and how i never said goodbye.
i hate you a lot,
so much it makes me cry.
i hate it when you don't answer,
i hate it when you're sweet to me.
i hate it when you make me blush,
even more when you can't see.
i hate it that you're far away
and that you harshly lied.
but most of all i hate the way i can't seem to hate you.
not even at all,
not even a tiny bit,
not even if i tried.

while trying to pick up the pieces of my heart,
i reach out to the one my broken heart still loves,
but lies settle among new conversations
and you dismiss my message
almost as quickly as you curve balled my heart right back at me
shattering it
now it just lays in a puddle of broken promises laced with forgotten love

sickening waves of orange flow through me
the ***** walls
and wet tiled floor
the messy handwriting
and my eyes so tired I can barely think
his words streams of light baby blue
and I think they should make me feel better
somehow I just feel worse
the way he tries to make me stay
i try to feel bad
feel pity for all of his poor me, and woe
but i don't
and even though it all hurts
stabs at me
scratches from within me
i know days to follow will end in bright blues
giving me hopes streaked with yellows
as i rummage through all this orange
the yellow and blue stay at the back of my mind
waiting to reveal themselves
as real happiness

If somebody can't run a mile
In 4 minutes
Does that make them
A bad person?

If somebody doesn't think
Like you do
Does that make them
A bad person?

If somebody isn't as smart
As you think you are
Does that make them
A bad person?

If somebody isn't as
Good as you as you think
You are at certain things
Does that make them
A bad person

If you don't like somebody
Because of something small
Does that make you
A bad person?

the truth
lies among
vacant lands of broken glass
if i enter this barren land
i know i will bleed
but i will also unlock the hidden mystery and be lead across the land  in order to make further decisions in my journey that some call life

the change in colors annoys me
the light blue stuck in the cracks of ancient houses
the pattern of the clouds
and the silence of the ride.
all of a sudden the gym is blue
the way her hair falls
the arch of a shot
a deep yellow at the smell of dust
old kitchen utensils and sheer table cloths
the food red as we set it on the counter
and showers yellow
old shirts and new words
all a yellow
orange doesn't settle
stays away for the moment

only 5 words,
yet 5 thousand couldn't begin to explain.
the intent of these words is to remind someone,
but i think really we are looking for something else.
reassurance i presume.
so, when there is no response,
one tries to hide the brokenness they feel inside.
this feeling is technically irrelevant,
because one knows it means nothing,
but some humans have the tendency
to overthink all things in their life.
take me for example,
taking the time to write this poem

and for a few moments i forget
forget the recent events that stay stuck in my head
by listening to your soft words
forget the sad smell that lingers
by burying my head into your chest
shivers up my spine disappear
and i feel safe in your arms
the mess i will have to face as night finally falls
is forgotten while i'm here with you
if only, if only you could just stay forever

this literally cannot be happening again
i can't believe it
how do i always do this?
it needs to stop
right. now.

you beg for me to stay
i tell you it's okay
i tell you not to worry,
i am here for you, i promise
but you push me away.
ignore me, when i am trying to help
i truly waited for you
stayed up thinking about you
worrying you were all alone
then you imply i'm not needed
i wish i could scream
i waited for you, stayed awake
poured my heart out
and risked it
you don't need me
just tell me that please
so i'm not making myself available
when i'm not needed
i'm sorry that i care
i really don't mean to be a bother

whispers flood my ears
and i can't help but stare
the laugh that used to make me laugh
the smile that could always make me smile
and a touch that sent shivers up my spine
now just makes me hurt
send that aching pain to my heart
now that smile makes her smile
and that laugh makes her giggle
once again.

there are moments when your words,
the way you smile,
and just when our eyes meet
i almost stick my hands out
to catch my heart,
that feels as if it's about to fall to the ground
jump right out of my chest
fall onto the floor
it beats crazily
and warmth rushes to my cheeks
amazing how just a smile from you,
can do all that

I hate that you're an *******.
And that you understood.
I shared with you,
The pieces of my life that I was too scared to face on my own.
I filled your soul to the top,
And sometimes you knew more about me than I knew about myself.
It was our little secret, to know eachother how we did.
But your soul, spilled down the drain
And only your stupidity remained.
I hated you for listening.
I hated you for understanding.
I hated you for being there when nobody else was.
You washed all the trust away,
but I only cried once.
Delusional and scared as hell,
I stumbled to my bed,
where you sent messages through my dreams.
You tripped over my strings of stories,
And dropped all my thoughts before your two feet.
You muttered some sort of curse,
And decided that you'd rather make me forget, than tell me you were scared.
The day I found out you were an *******, I cried for a while.
I cried because the one who knew me better than my own self, didn't know anything anymore.
I don't remember how you talked, or the face you made when you were thinking.
I remember what you look like, only from pictures but forget all that you said.
I'd rather forget about you than try to understand.
I hate that you understood me and I hate that you're an *******.

away from home
i can choose my own,
or not.
i work hard for nobody,
but merely myself
with only one thing missing
i'm stuck between
starbucks runs and college dinners
crosby still and nash and independence
motherly love and loneliness
yes freedom is fantastic
independence is incredible
and love is sometimes a lie
but love from a mother
is a constant need
that can't be filled by text messages and short visits

Things go away sometimes

Like a sickness

Not treated with medicine

Like a heart ache fixed

With only chocolate ice cream

Like a friend

That fades

Like a life

With no reason

Why it went

i almost become sick as the list grows in my head
oh my god is all i can think
leaning over my bed, i try to turn back time
twirling my hair
jumping up and down
pressing my temples
back, back, back i cry
over and over
i cannot live this anymore
reality laughs
oh you silly, silly girl it laughs
*you can't go back this time

as she calls out to me
i hope i don't show how i actually feel
good thing i'm on the other side
i smile and pleasantly offer words of "wisdom"
oh friend, i stammer
that sounds just wonderful
but while saying this
the jealousy confuses me
oh boy i think nervously
i cannot fall
i cannot feed into it
this is a friend
while inside i just say
*sorry girl, it's just how things will be

My words are kind
My mind wanders
My thoughts are happy
Because of your smile

My actions are gentle
My eyes are bright
My stomach is tingling
Because of your laugh

My heart feels safe
My laugh is frequent
My smile is wide
Because of you

as my life seems to unfold
simplicity as unusual as it seems to me, comes upon my thoughts
i don't feel as though there is something i should be hiding
and the stupid reason usually in the back of my head,
the one that stops me from smiling
is non-existent.
my mind is clear
and satisfaction hits me in a waves
finally happy,
i lie back,
ready for the rest of my life to begin

Behind you
may be bad
      memories,
lost friends and family,
    big mistakes,
even bigger embarrassment,
      lonely times,
sad times,
      but the past,
helps your future,
      become better
and your spotless
      future
is all that lies
      ahead

her walls begin to crumble,
falling slowly to the dirt.
hammer in hand,
she tries and tries to build it up.
too much hurt in this world.
brick walls held the big bad wolf back, right?
but they can't hold him back.
he smashes through the walls,
twirling her heart about on his finger.
then crying, he huffs and he puffs
but by the hair of her chinny chin chin she lets him in.
he cradles her heart,
in his big hands,
and tears of regret, fill the holes.
but unexpectedly,
he rips open her heart with his broken hands,
and says it was all a lie.
she starts building her walls again,
positivity and loved ones help her.
it will take a while to fix her heart,
but one day she won't need those **** walls.
one day,
she'll be able to live in a house of straw,
and happy and safe, she can be.

the love shines through his eyes,
but tears fall from them too,
for he knows she is blind.
blind to all the love he wants to give.
he's tired of trying.
tired of trying to open her eyes.
she's far gone,
and won't see him again.
won't ever accept his love,
that pours from his heart,
like an angry waterfall.

i've read about it in books,
but would not like to tell about it in my life story.
it's something you cringe at,
but when you're staring at a TV screen.
this is real life,
how can i pretend?
smile my sweetest smile,
and talk my sweetest talk.
but when is it okay to stop?
to yell, to cry, to pound your fists.
bite your cheek, they always say.
but i can taste the blood,
and i need to get it out.

i keep this photo close
to remember when love was still new
when i shined bright in your eyes
and you looked for me along other faces.
now i wish for your eyes,
and beg for any words from your lips.
i hope that somewhere deep inside,
you still have love for me,
and that you won't break my heart.
you have the ability to,
because darling, i will easily call myself crazy about you.
is this my fault?
do i not love you enough?
maybe i'm just greedy,
but i soak up every ounce
of your soft words
and cherish them like you wouldn't believe.

silence hurts more
than the words would
your absence of speaking
eats at me
and tears me apart
if you told me how you truly feel
i could start healing
and stop slowly deteriorating

i've leaned on the strength of this wall for so long,
believing always,
that i must be as strong.
but one day,
a man comes with a hammer.
he begins to tap on the bricks,
secretly first,
so quiet, nobody hears.
but he starts from the bottom,
for a while nobody notices it's crumbling.
the next time i try to lean on this once strong wall,
it crumbles under my weight,
into a pile of bricks on the ground.
he smashed down that **** wall,
and walked all over it with his big, black boots.
some days, he builds it back up.
he starts to piece it all back together.
just to smash it back down,
again and again,
as if this is all a game.
we watch that wall crumble,
picking up the bricks,
cradling them in our small arms,
trying to patch it up.
but he stands over the sad disaster,
rolls his eyes,
and tells us to get back to work,
fixing the wall again.
he needs to fix that wall.
we may be strong,
but the bricks are too heavy
for us to carry ourselves.

i'm not really sure if this counts,
but as i remember,
the soft words spoken.
i know that it was indeed real,
and i have my reasons.
i have built my walls up again,
to keep this from happening,
but new words,
tap softly at all of the bricks,
and i'm afraid of falling

i guess i never thought it would get this far
that it would actually change.
for my whole life i've thought of it,
but looking back at nights filled with tears while i "sleep"
and words thrown around
and uneasy glances
i know you can only pretend for so long.
somewhere during the act
it gets to a point where you get stuck in the process of making others happy.
while doing this you become so terrible unhappy
that you crumble.
you break.
you destroy yourself.
i hope you can save yourself before you break.
i know you're broken,
and it hurts me because i know the truth.
you do this for me, you are breaking for me
i cannot see you break anymore.
you can't crumble,
because when you break, i do

Your small words like bullets
Into my brain
Making me believe
Making me believe what they say
Making me believe it's all true

i live in the sea.
full of hundreds of monsters.
there is one that hides in the reef.
he smiles sometimes,
but the sharks and the octopi
threaten to ****.
he hides, scared of the world.
so scared that he won't come out.
even when i tell him it's alright.
then he left for good.
i barely see that fish anymore,
he doesn't swim about like he used to.
found a spot deep in that reef to bury his soul.
so deep that nobody can find him,
so deep nobody can hears his silent calls for help.
he's drowning in life,
and soon he'll disappear from this deep blue sea.

I used to hold my tongue
Stop my fists
Prohibit negative thoughts

Speak to comfort
Unravel my fists
Think happy thoughts

I used to hide my screams
Bite my cheek
Think before I spoke

Speak softly
Release my teeth
Think and don't say at all

I can't do it anymore
I scream out loud
Bang my fists
Blurt all of my thoughts
I can't do it anymore

Too many people
Too many words
Too many enemies
Too many fights
Too many tears
And I can't escape
Although no tears flow from my eyes
And no words from my mouth
I am somehow stuck in this world
And I can't escape
I suffocate in others feelings and thoughts
My head is always full
Thinking away
And I can't escape
I can't escape my very own thoughts
My very own head
I'm stuck and I can't escape

and of course i do,
i go out of my way for you
i sometimes think i care too much
but really i just love you.
very, very much.

no matter how many times i hear these words
knowing before the start that a lump will form in my throat
they are my last piece of you
and as much as i try to forget
i can't
i need this last piece
and that's why i continue
make sure to keep the words in my head every moment
to have that small piece of you.
because it's the last
i examine every word
looking for a hidden meaning
looking for you to be calling back
but i know you didn't mean this to be important
yet it still makes me cry
finishing this poem,
makes me realize i still care
and i can't figure out why i do
i can't seem to let you go just yet

this silence is eating me alive,
like i'd do anything just to fill it.
this black, darkness
filled with nothing but empty words.
this darkness,
craves the light of speech.
any words to light it up.
i creep towards the mouth
listening for any sign of stirring inside.
i sigh softly once again,
at the never ending silence,
that pours from the dark, hole in the Earth.

constant reminders of your existence
makes me want you more
and when i can't be with you
over and over
i depend on my dreams
for first kisses, sunsets and love
they fill the void

don't make your life fit to fairytale standards,
live a life that feels as if you are living your own kind of fairytale

i hear a series of clicking noises
as i look around, my eyes scan smiling people
and i can see my future in the horizon
and i realize those aren't just clicking noises,
it is my life
finally falling into place
a smile comes without being forced,
opportunities sprout up
and i am just genuinely happy.
although, there are still pieces
that will never quite fit together
and things will never exactly be alright,
i have other things to keep me here
i guess some things just never work out

Click
My life finally falls into place
A smile on all the faces around me

Rip
He rips it all apart
His words harsh and mean

Fall
I slowly fall apart
Into a puddle of tears and regrets

Miss
You don't respond
And I wait here missing you

Fix
You fix me
Put me back together
Hug me tight enough, long enough that I am ok again

I realize now, I am missing a step
Fix**
You haven't
Here I lay broken and crying
Waiting,
Just missing you

A sense of hopelessness comes over me
Frowns and smiles from all ends
Changing at my every action
I can't make all smiles
I get frustrated and cling on to one
The one who will never frown upon me
The one who never seems disappointed or mad
I cling to them tightly
And I don't let go

dark red hits me as i step inside
the smell, wet floor, and sun shining through the window
makes it appear in my mind
old shows, fluffy ears, full smiles
make it redder and redder
warm and smiley
red, red, red
dark, like blood
but warm
makes me feel as though i am supposed to be here
supposed to belong, even though i don't
as i bid one last goodbye
and step into the darkness
the yellow light, ripped carpet and chip mix
sets orange back
single muffins left in large ziploc bags
empty lunch boxes
and unswept floors, allows orange back into my head
fake wood
orange
old bananas
orange
uncut hair
orange
tv loud
orange
all is orange
and it digs from inside of me
ready to burst from within my soul
orange...

I want it so bad it hurts
I don't even know how I feel
So confusing yet so wonderful
So painful yet so delighting
This is so hard to do
"Please just pick some way"
I plead to my heart
It laughs
Just as I expected
Can't be that easy
Life has to be hard
Thats what makes it life

If poetry is just words
that already existed before,
then couldn't everyone do it?

If running is just moving
and most every person has arms to pump
couldn't everyone do it?

If art is just the colors of the rainbow
put on paper with a crayon,
couldn't everyone do it?

If cooking is just food
being put in a pan or oven,
couldn't everyone do it?

And if life is just living
and breathing everyday,
couldn't everyone do it?

My answer: No

Your answer: I don't know