her walls begin to crumble,
falling slowly to the dirt.
hammer in hand,
she tries and tries to build it up.
too much hurt in this world.
brick walls held the big bad wolf back, right?
but they can't hold him back.
he smashes through the walls,
twirling her heart about on his finger.
then crying, he huffs and he puffs
but by the hair of her chinny chin chin she lets him in.
he cradles her heart,
in his big hands,
and tears of regret, fill the holes.
but unexpectedly,
he rips open her heart with his broken hands,
and says it was all a lie.
she starts building her walls again,
positivity and loved ones help her.
it will take a while to fix her heart,
but one day she won't need those **** walls.
one day,
she'll be able to live in a house of straw,
and happy and safe, she can be.

that "goodnight",
felt a bit like our goodbye.

don't make your life fit to fairytale standards,
live a life that feels as if you are living your own kind of fairytale

no matter how many times i hear these words
knowing before the start that a lump will form in my throat
they are my last piece of you
and as much as i try to forget
i can't
i need this last piece
and that's why i continue
make sure to keep the words in my head every moment
to have that small piece of you.
because it's the last
i examine every word
looking for a hidden meaning
looking for you to be calling back
but i know you didn't mean this to be important
yet it still makes me cry
finishing this poem,
makes me realize i still care
and i can't figure out why i do
i can't seem to let you go just yet

walls are crashing down
caving in on top of me
and the weight of the world finally crushes me
breaking my bones
flattening dreams
i look up and and anger replaces my tears
how have i let them bring me here

hoping in a way to cleanse my soul
i let the words flow through me like a river
sending hope for future from my head to the tips of my toes
this is where i'm happy
this is where i know in my heart
that i'm pleased with myself
and how i live in this moment

i was unhappy in ways that i could not explain,
not to you,
not to her,
not to anyone.

so i did what i have done once before,
and it hurt.
regret sinks in quick once you do something bad,
and it lingers like onion on your breath.

i've never loved like that.
the dreams come every night,
the good ones
where i'm wrapped in your arms when it's cold outside
and you shiver and whisper in my ear
you tell me you love me with the biggest smile i've ever seen
and i can't help smiling myself
but when i wake up,
it's a nightmare,
the good dreams are nothing but the past,
and i live in a life
where a lump grows in my throat
when we make eye contact
and i have to look away so i don't cry
a life where i have to watch her hands on your back,
and you roll your head back laughing,
a life where i'm not right next to you holding your hand,
and laughing at your terrible jokes

but this is my nightmare,
one i've created for myself,
one that i can't get rid of,
by sleeping in my mother's bed,
one that i can't even wake up from all

he steps out slowly,
squeezing my arm as he goes.
i stand staring into my own eyes,
in the reflection of the glass door as it closes slowly.
warm cheeks,
big grin,
heart pounding,
and happy.

he makes you feel special,
like you are the only one,
until you realize,
that it was the biggest lie.

he promises to heal,
he promises to patch up all your wounds,
he promises to pick you back up,
and cradle you in his loving arms.

then,
he is gone.
a distant memory,
an old friend.

so what to do? what to do?
cry yourself to sleep,
smash a plate onto the ground.
pretend that you don't care.

your mind says,
leave him
block him out
forget

you convince yourself finally,
that you don't need him,
that you are okay on your own,
that he meant nothing.

and he's back,
wrapping his arms around you,
promising, promising, promising
and you believe every word

and when he leaves again,
leaving you crying,
****** knees,
and an aching heart.

call yourself a fool,
cry for a moment,
and get back up,
all on your own.

be stronger than the person he made you,
show him that things will indeed be okay without him.
you are tough.
you are strong.

filled with fury,
i sit.
what to do, what to do.
i want to wake with the sun,
spend a day living like i've always wanted.
climb a mountain so high,
i get a little dizzy at the top.
walk for so long,
my legs ache.
smile so much,
my cheeks burn.
laugh so much,
it's hard to breathe.
and then when the day is done,
i will retire with with the sun,
once and for all,
as it slips below the horizon.

i hate it when you talk with her
i love it when you smile
i hate it when you're hurting
but I haven't seen you in while


i hate it when you think you're smart
i love it when you stayed
i hate it when you hurt my heart
and when you went away

i hate it when you pretend to love
i love it when you're happy
i hate it when you smell bad
but it's hate or grossly sappy

i hate that i can't help you
i hate that you're away
i hate that I don't matter
but what I can no longer say,

is that you all are in my heart
because you're surely not
but i still think about you all
sometimes quite a lot

Their words like icicles
Freeze me
Making me speechless
My words back are hot
Like fire
Melting the ice
But burning them all to a crisp
I can't even muster sorry as I step back
And look upon the mess
The mess that I've made

our eyes meet, for just one second,
and i turn away quickly.
maybe too quickly...
all of a sudden i miss his eyes.

i try not to smile,
in case he's still looking.
but then my face warms up
and i know that i am blushing.
my heart pounds in my chest
and i can't hold in my smile anymore
my lips spread into a grin
and i shake my head.
then all i can think is,
wow, how does he do that?

while trying to pick up the pieces of my heart,
i reach out to the one my broken heart still loves,
but lies settle among new conversations
and you dismiss my message
almost as quickly as you curve balled my heart right back at me
shattering it
now it just lays in a puddle of broken promises laced with forgotten love

there are moments,
that when life hands you lemons,
you have to hand them back,
because sometimes giving them back,
is much better than enduring their sour sour taste

I hate that you're an *******.
And that you understood.
I shared with you,
The pieces of my life that I was too scared to face on my own.
I filled your soul to the top,
And sometimes you knew more about me than I knew about myself.
It was our little secret, to know eachother how we did.
But your soul, spilled down the drain
And only your stupidity remained.
I hated you for listening.
I hated you for understanding.
I hated you for being there when nobody else was.
You washed all the trust away,
but I only cried once.
Delusional and scared as hell,
I stumbled to my bed,
where you sent messages through my dreams.
You tripped over my strings of stories,
And dropped all my thoughts before your two feet.
You muttered some sort of curse,
And decided that you'd rather make me forget, than tell me you were scared.
The day I found out you were an *******, I cried for a while.
I cried because the one who knew me better than my own self, didn't know anything anymore.
I don't remember how you talked, or the face you made when you were thinking.
I remember what you look like, only from pictures but forget all that you said.
I'd rather forget about you than try to understand.
I hate that you understood me and I hate that you're an *******.

i hide it away
even scared myself
i jump as he grabs me
i pull myself in tighter
curling into a ball
the world cannot hurt me here
they can't even see me

His words almost hurt
But I think of your words
And your smile
Your laugh
Your eyes
I brush his harsh words off
And yours patch up all the mess

A sense of hopelessness comes over me
Frowns and smiles from all ends
Changing at my every action
I can't make all smiles
I get frustrated and cling on to one
The one who will never frown upon me
The one who never seems disappointed or mad
I cling to them tightly
And I don't let go

moments of complete and utter hopelessness
make me feel as though i'm drowning.
completely submerged under life's raging sea.
i gulp for a breath,
one single moment of pure clarity
before being pushed down by reality's strong hands.
harsh, bitter cold life splashes over my face,
and sends me sinking slowly to the bottom.

I look back on these times,
When I seem to be the happiest
My hair in a mess, and clothing,
limited to t-shirts and warm-up pants
I was surrounded by my family
And ones I used to call friends
Being tickled, or teased
But it never bothered me then
The harmless jokes, and constant laughter
Kept me healthy
It kept me happy...
Now I am left with nothing
My hair straight and perfect
Clothing always in order
Surrounded by new friends
You would think it may all be perfect
But as I look back,
I knew those captured moments
Show me actually happy

i long for something more.
i want a rush,
my heart to pound in my chest.
i want the music to blast in my ears,
and for the time to fly.
i want to wake up with a smile on my face,
in the same clothes as the night before.
i wanna pretend that i don't feel so scared,
and that i'm not so fragile.
just for one night,
i want to pretend like i don't have the responsibility,
like i can just be,
without thinking about what or how to be.

i'm done with these poems,
these words that i share
they will no longer be about you
i'm done trying to fix you,
you don't need me anymore
it will never be forever
don't call me anymore
don't cry to me anymore
you don't need me anymore

describing the person inside me:
quite pessimistic
unthinkably thought filled
insanely aware
somewhat crazy
with the mind of a poet.

as laughable and cliché as these may all sound on a poetry website.
they're all true but i have things in my simple life,
that me less of these things.

there is this boy,
who makes me a bit more optimistic,
who makes my orange days,
a bright blue
and whose grin can make me blush like crazy.
who can make me laugh,
in the midst of tears,
and help me to trust another,
when all feelings of trust are lost.
a boy who makes me feel like i could sing
who can make me grin like an idiot,
and believe that i have done something right finally
when i look into his eyes.

this boy also is the cause for some of my crazy thoughts,
but when i voice them he will laugh,
or inform me that "i am not crazy"
he sympathizes at rough times,
and lets me speak freely,
ignoring the fact that i may blow his ear drums,
and stumble over every other word when i get too excited.
he allows me to be mad when i am mad,
and waits for me to be happy
(maybe a break from rants is nice)
but this boy,
truly helps control my thoughts,
that bubble inside me as long days pass.

he also gives me a feeling of safety,
where even just knowing that he is within distance,
distance where i could run to him,
or yell his name,
relieves my stress filled thoughts immensely.
and when he speaks soft words of
it'll be fine or the soft chuckle of reassurance
it makes my cold frightened blood,
warm where it can flow again,
and pump to my heart,
so i can remind him at these moments
that i do indeed love him.

he allows me to be my somewhat ******,
crazy,
nutso self.
and with a comment or not
there is always a small grin.
but when i am a little crazy,
whether it's explaining my funky dreams
or laughing so hard that i spit out my water,
he still looks at me with that grin,
that makes me feel
a little less...
well, crazy

and sometimes when i feel all of these things at once,
the kind of feeling where your heart is racing,
and your cheeks are rosy,
and your laughing insanely,
and smiling like an idiot,
and falling hard for this certain special boy,
i can't even write,
but sometimes that's quite alright

this being is hurting
i can see it in every move
from it's glossy eyes
to the sighs that follow each motion.
a façade is put up every morning,
to hide the truth that this being is in fact,
broken.
every time it breaks more,
i reach out to fix it.
now, i have realized,
that is not possible.
no matter how hard i try,
there is only one thing that can save this soul,
and it for sure is not my words.
i hold tears deep inside me,
so i don't make this harder.
i hope that happiness from outside sources
will help this creature.
help to rebuild them, change them.
help them to start again.

i miss my golden retriever,
and my great grandfather.
i miss cinnamon biscuits,
and my old house.
i miss mattress sliding,
and learning to ride my bike.
but i don't miss you anymore.
i don't miss what we had,
or our conversations.
i don't miss who you used to be,
or your shaggy hair.
i don't miss how miserable you make me felt,
or how you saw me as someone i am not.
i just don't miss you anymore.

Maybe and possibly
I was completely delusional
Believing in you
Believing you could help me forget the past
Believing you could help me build a future
Just believing you would treat me right
Yes
Definitely delusional
Now, stuck in a sticky web
Of my own heartbreaking thoughts
I wait for you to realize you don't love me
No one can unweave this tangled web that's slowly suffocating me
Killing me
Especially you
You pull it tighter around my neck
Each and every night
Waiting

As I pull you in close to me
We slip away into another world
I can no longer hear the shouts and laughs
I can no longer smell the teens and bus odor
We slip away into another world
Where it is just you and me
I hear you breathing
I smell your cologne
As we slip into another world

clearly the "not thinking about you" wish
is highly ineffective
due to the fact that the number of poems about you is comparable to the human population on earth
kind of like carly simon
my words contradict themselves
making me sound utterly desperate for your attention and love
which may or may not be true

love candles aren't blown out,
love candles burn like crazy, some burn longer than others,
but to blow one out, is a sin.  
i thought our candle would slowly stop burning,
the wax, would harden,
and the flame would trickle away, slowly.
we would be okay,
it wouldn't be a sudden burst of hurt.
the flame flickered quick, once.
and you took a huge breath,
and just like the big bad wolf,
you blew the hay, the sticks and the bricks,
to the ground.
they fell down around me as i cried.
you blew out the love candle,
while i was still trying to keep it burning.

i miss all of you.
the way you speak sweetly in my ear,
the way you hug me tight,
the way you blush,
the way you grin when i catch you staring,
i just hope that she doesn't miss all of you too

i picture the figure in my brain
puzzled, but intrigued
why does he say this?
one single tear slips down my cheek but i wipe it away.
fast.
i feel obligated to fix him.
he is broken, sad.
why do i always feel responsible.
empathy i guess.
i seem to be the only one with it though.
a curse probably.
this isn't even close to my fault.
how do i always get dragged in?
it's not my problem... i whisper over and over again
but in the back of my head
i know
it will be me who fixes his broken parts.
piece him back together again.
make him okay...

as a child, i believed that the world was a good place.
i believed that only people in movies could lie so much
and that things don't actually "happen like that".
i believed that the world had good people.


believing in all that was the biggest mistake i could have ever made.
and it only took one person to prove to me that all of those beliefs were completely untrue.

the world is full of liars and cheaters.
but these liars and these cheaters, don't get in trouble for lying or cheating, but sometimes even get rewarded. they are granted with things like money or a new house or even a brand new family.

movies are created because there are true stories behind them. people can't "make things up" because terrible things happen in our society everyday. people leave, people die, people cry, people steal and ****. movies sometimes do show that things "happen like that". they may even "happen like that" right under your own roof and maybe, you didn't even see it coming.

in my mind, people are bad, unless they do something good.
i used to think this was pessimism but now i consider it safety.
i used to think that this certain man that i knew was the greatest man on earth. he held me on his shoulders, so strong, and blessed me with his words, so wise and showered me with his love, so plentiful. until one day, he didn't feel like it anymore. and then he left me without. i don't really remember those days, but i see pictures where the smile on my face can only show how freely he gave his love. but giving love is a choice. and now he chooses to give it to someone else.

as a child, i guess i wasn't all that smart.
i believed that this world was a safe place, free of liars and cheaters and bad people. i believed that movies were telling fictional stories and that people were so good and pure. but i was wrong and now it haunts me when i sleep, and even more when i wake up.

Withering away fast
I try to grasp it in my hand
And beg for it to stay
I call out it's name
But it is long on it's way
On the trip to Monday
I look for it still
As the Monday sun
Rises and sneers at me
I squint in it's brilliance
To find Sunday
Who is long gone

feelings change so rapidly
that one moment
everything he does kills me
and i choke on my tears
and the next
i am shouting my insane love for him to the world
and sending hearts 'til my fingers bleed

my thoughts swim
in a sea of rhymes,
an ocean full of vocabulary,
puddles full of beautiful language.
it builds and builds.
pictures, stories, memories, hopes, wishes, dreams,
dance in my head for days,
until i can formulate the right string of words,
to put it all together.

i always try to think of someone.
one without a flaw,
one without a secret,
one without pain.
but no matter how far you look,
there will always be flaws and secrets and pain.

i want to know everyone's story.
i want to know why their parents got divorced,
why they wear that necklace around their neck,
or how their husband died.

flaws, secrets and pain, are things that like to hide,
behind our bold, confident selves,
because the pressure of society is too scary.

people need to love their flaws,
and tell their secrets,
and show their pain.

because flaws and secrets and pain should not be hidden.
these things make us human.
we are becoming less and less human as we wear masks to hide who we are.

don't dye your hair,
it's okay that you made a mistake,
and cry when you need to,
for those are the things,
that remind us we are only human.

today as i watched you,
the way you looked,
the way you laughed,
the way you stared,
the way you danced,
i couldn't help but miss you
miss you so much that when she said your name i had to look away
miss you so much  that i wanted time to turn back a week or so
missed you so much that i wanted to let you know
missed you so much that i wanted to hold you and never let you go

this silence is eating me alive,
like i'd do anything just to fill it.
this black, darkness
filled with nothing but empty words.
this darkness,
craves the light of speech.
any words to light it up.
i creep towards the mouth
listening for any sign of stirring inside.
i sigh softly once again,
at the never ending silence,
that pours from the dark, hole in the Earth.

memories haunt me
and stay in my head
there is no way to erase them
so stuck forever they stay
in my head, in my computer, in scars on my heart
i don't want these memories
they scare me
remind me of places i have been
the person i was

Soon I hope to be
Where I wish to be

Maybe that is
In a mountain house
With wool socks
And hot cocoa

Maybe that is
In the busiest street
In New York City
Desperately waving for
A taxi

Maybe that is
In an old farm house
With a barn next to it
Waking up to feed the pigs
At 5 o'clock sharp

Maybe that is
On a plane going
Somewhere with a
Cell phone glued to my ear

Maybe that is hiking
In on a trail
Leading to a special
Place in a small
Village

Maybe that is
Eating the
World's Best Cheese
Somewhere in France

Maybe that is
In a place I do not
Know of
With a person I do not
Know of

But maybe
I will be there
Soon

i've been desperately trying to find
a piece of you,
in everything i have left.
in the inhalation of salty air,
behind a camera lens,
through someone else's eyes.
you're missing in my heart,
and don't want to be found.

i'm always waiting for something,
waiting for the next thing,
or the next big moment.
and the space in between,
all of these "glorious" moments,
is waiting.
i don't cherish waking up in the morning,
or hugging my brother.
i don't pay attention to late night walks,
or kissing my old black lab.
my head is just thinking ahead,
waiting for something incredible to happen,
except one day,
i'll look back,
at the times that don't feel so important now,
and want a regular moment back,
more than anything.
i won't wish to go back to my 9th birthday,
or my first concert.
i'll wish to wake up young,
and hug my brother again.
all this space in-between the best moments,
is full of waiting,
when it should be full of more moments.
maybe not glorious,
and incredible.
but moments nonetheless.

i've leaned on the strength of this wall for so long,
believing always,
that i must be as strong.
but one day,
a man comes with a hammer.
he begins to tap on the bricks,
secretly first,
so quiet, nobody hears.
but he starts from the bottom,
for a while nobody notices it's crumbling.
the next time i try to lean on this once strong wall,
it crumbles under my weight,
into a pile of bricks on the ground.
he smashed down that **** wall,
and walked all over it with his big, black boots.
some days, he builds it back up.
he starts to piece it all back together.
just to smash it back down,
again and again,
as if this is all a game.
we watch that wall crumble,
picking up the bricks,
cradling them in our small arms,
trying to patch it up.
but he stands over the sad disaster,
rolls his eyes,
and tells us to get back to work,
fixing the wall again.
he needs to fix that wall.
we may be strong,
but the bricks are too heavy
for us to carry ourselves.

i was ready
i was smiling
i was happy
even excited.
this darkness,
and change of the clock,
changes me.
i feel as though i am too tired,
too dumb,
too full of hate
to continue in all of this.
of course,
it's the night he isn't here.
"more sleep"
he says, laughing
"not gonna happen"
i reply
he is not here tonight
he's never really here
but our here is enough.
please be here

Sometimes I feel so mad
I could tell the ocean
To crash over the beach
With all it's might
To bring the striped umbrella's
And tiny buckets
With him
Back into the deep

Sometimes I feel so mad
I could scream into
My pillow for hours
And be annoyed that
I wasted my time
And I wasn't heard

Sometimes I feel so mad
I could be alone
With no one to talk
To and just think
And be fine

Sometimes I feel so mad
I can't even imagine
What the feeling of happy
Feels like

Sometimes I feel so mad
And then I see things
That I love
And I realize
I just need to feel
Happy :)

i'm not really sure if this counts,
but as i remember,
the soft words spoken.
i know that it was indeed real,
and i have my reasons.
i have built my walls up again,
to keep this from happening,
but new words,
tap softly at all of the bricks,
and i'm afraid of falling