I'm back where I started:
Ground Zero
I hear the same insults
The same snide remarks
The same character judgments
Supposed to make me better
At school
At life
Instead all they do is push this knife
Further and further into my bleeding head
Twist it around, hang out with him
I can handle this pain
I know you love me
I know you're here
But believe you me,
I get the same amount of jealous as you
I just do a better job of hiding it
I don't have to be childish about it
I don't have to delete your messages, your contacts
He wants you, you know
And if I'd guess,
I'd say you do too.
You're longing for respect
You're seeking it with these strangers
But they don't respect you,
Not like Me and He
Those strangers hit and ran
Not like Me or He
We stuck around
For whatever reason
And we have your back
Whenever you need it
He's respectful of you
He's interested
He wants inside
You want to let him
Here again I am
Outside looking in
It's like watching someone get shot in the back of the head
You know it's coming,
You try to warn them,
Then BANG, dead
I'm trying to warn you
He likes you like that
Remember the last time
You had someone like that?
How it ended sexually, with you feeling awful?
Or what about him, will you break his heart?
Does he deserve that?
No. He doesn't.
He respects you
He likes you
He is nice to you
He takes care of you
All of these,
I cannot do.
Not because I can't,
But because you won't let me.
I need your help
I need you near
I need you to stay home
I need you to isolate
Because while I'm sitting at home,
Getting yelled at again
I'm thinking of you and He
Spending time, holding each other
Talking, *******, Kissing
Smoking, Drinking, Snorting
I hate this.
I can't break free
I just want to leave and be with you
But you don't want to be with me

These cigarettes
Are keeping me alive
Without them, I'd cry
All the time
With them I'm broken
Needing a fix
Where packs turn to cartons
And ash piles high
I sit on my throne of ashtrays and ****
Wondering how I became King
My loyal subjects:
Marlboro, L&M;, Camel
Ready to let me die
Helping me to die
Without blowing my head off
Just smoke more cigarettes
Lung cancer at 25
When I was living, I was alive
Live fast, die young
That's the plan
I just didn't know
I'd die this young

Who am I?

I often thought
I knew who I was
What it meant to be me
Why I do what I do
But now,
After you,
I'm beyond broken
I'm a blind man in a room full of mirrors
Confused, with no hope
I prided myself,
Well, maybe that was the mistake,
I tried to help
But in the end, you made my heart ache
I'm going through the motions
The key to life is simple:
Give up
Let in
Find a shepherd
Follow
Repeat
The sheep may be ignorant
But they're content eating weeds
Even when luscious pastures are close
They'll follow their shepherd
Forever,
Or
Until
He
Changes
Political
Parties

Obscene
Yet doable
Unwanted
But required
Vast
But unrequited

Maybe it's a bad idea
But this sheep
Has had a taste of real grass
And the more he chews
Reluctantly
On his dandelion
The more he realizes
Slowly
He needs the grass to live
But as he arrives at the pasture
The grass is burnt
The trees are cut
And he turns,
And he weeps
Because he knows what he has lost.

I never wanted it to end
But it did.
And though it's hard accepting that
I'm still not stupid
I'm not going to try to convince you I'm right anymore
I'm not going to follow you like a servant
I'm not going to love you like I did
I'm through being with you
I realize it was ****, and that's fine
I know I did all I could
I know you didn't
You admitted that it was unfair
Far too late, but early still
Our commitment wasn't made golden just yet
Symbolized by the bands on our hands
I wish you the best life in the world
I know you deserve that much
Because I've lived it, and it's great
The only problem:
I lived it through you

The only person I want to talk to
Has left me, alone
I sit, mired in love
Aside from my sobs, I sit like a stone
My shirt's soaked wet
From my tears, and blood
I never thought it would end.
I never thought it would come like this
I never thought this gun would be in my hand
I never thought I'd think this again
I never thought this love would be over
Or my life.
BANG

Never far
Never close
Not these feelings
Never again

Always asking
Always crying
**** these things
Always alone

Sometimes happy
Sometimes sad
**** it all
Sometimes angry

Possibly crazy
Possibly sane
I don't know
Possibly suicidal

Probably dead
Probably alive
Languish in grief
Probably the end

When you jump, think of me
Not before
Savor that feeling of life
And then think about the dying as you are

When you step, think of me
Not before
While the rope is set up
And the chair's underneath
Because my harsh words are wrapped around your neck

When you pull, think of me
Not before
When you're buying ammo
When you're setting up the tarp
But for the split-second of your short life
I deserve to be in your thoughts

When you die, I'll be thinking of you
Of our love
Of the past
And I'll join you, wherever you are
Because Hell's okay with me if you're there

I love writing to you
You make me complete
Complete like a finished puzzle
Puzzle Pieces, that's what we are
Are we going to last long?
Long have I hoped for someone
Someone who helped me
Me and you together forever?
Forever is a long time
Time seems to move fast
Fast and furiously erasing the past
Past that haunts me to this day
Day and night, while thinking
Thinking of our future
Future so uncertain and scary
Scary, yet I can't help but be hopeful
Hopeful that we will last
Last for a long time, together
Together, nothing can stop this train
Train hard making seconds count
Count the days we've been with each other
Other than that, I'm blind
Blind as a bat to the outside
Outside of us, I feel nervous
Nervous that I can't make it through
Through the hard times
Time's trying to catch up
Up to our heaven
Heaven must seem like this
This has been great
Great love has yielded great trust
Trust in my words
Words may be cheap
Cheap as in free
Free, ah baby, that's how I feel with you
You are my sunset
Sunset so beautiful you can't help but stare
Stare intently to capture every detail
Detail my feelings so you understand
Understand I love you

Where are you?
I look for your face in the darkest of places
Who are you?
I try to erase all of your traces
What are you?
You demon, you devil, you smiling serpent
Where are you?
I'm seeking this out, to put it to end

How can it be
That I can be happy?
I was deathly distraught
Hope was gone, I thought
And you appeared out of the gloom
To start something that'***** full bloom
You plucked me up from the lowest of lows
How long it'll last, neither one knows
But the future of us
Won't cause me to fuss
Because if I'm with you
My love, babe, is true
Letting you in helped me
Finally, after this long time, become free
I may not owe you my life
Still I want you as my wife
Because I could be much worse
I could be in the trunk of the hearse
And I don't say that lightly
And I dream of you nightly
And my former love
Has been replaced with a dove
You have completed me
My one, and only, baby

You hear what you want to hear
Ears open to things you love and fear
All else cascades like a hurricane
Against the wall you've erected around your emotions
Can I blame you for the security?
Can I blame you for the way you feel?
No. I can't. And neither can you.

I hope this brings you happiness
Which you so dearly seek
I'm sorry I couldn't bring it to you
Please understand, I am meek
See I believe in a thing called love
And that's what makes me weak
I believe in its power over me
Something not to throw away, but to tweak

I hope in the end you're happy
Because you deserve to be
I want you to know I won't be there
When your life is a small raft on a sea
I want you to know
How much you've really hurt me

It's not the letters that bother me
It's the way they are worn
It's not the ignoring me that bothers me
It's why
It's not the cheating that bothers me
It's you doing it
It's not our arguments that bother me
It's the way we argue
It's not the necklace that bothers me
It's what it represents
It's not your life that bothers me
It's just the way you live it.

I want you to know
What you mean to me
You're the whole show
And not just a scene

I want to watch
As we grow stronger
I want us so badly
To last longer than longer

And I know you know
How I feel about you
And I hope I show
You that I want to marry you

Because though I
Know now's not the time
I want it so badly
I want you to be mine

And I don't want you to think
That I don't think I'm yours
I don't want you to sink
Crying, on all fours

I want you to understand
The feelings within me
Because feeling them with you,
Well, they set me free

And that is to say
That you make me free
Not just for yesterday
But for as long as I can see

And though I realize
That we may not last
I've done my very best
To learn from the past

To treat you nicely
And respectfully too
I feel that's the least
I can give to you

Because when you smile
The world is right
And when you're sad
I stay awake at night

I try to think
Of what I can do
To make it better;
Your life, and mine too

We have a connection
Like twins from a womb
Able to talk through
Whatever we need to

And that means more
Than you could know
If I was with you,
I'd take ten years of snow

I'd bear the hard
And the boring life
If I could have the chance
To call you my wife

And that's not to say
That I want decisions soon
That I need an answer
By tomorrow afternoon

But it is to say
You mean so much to me
And honestly, when I think of it
There's no one with I'd rather be

I hope this makes
Your heart swell up
But I don't need it to
Your love is enough