Stepping back into my life;
You know as well as I do,
That it's a dangerous move.

Don't play with my head,
Its true, I've began to lower my walls again,
But I can also get hurt once more, greater than I've been.

Everyone deserves a second chance,
But I give it to you in caution;
I can't turn back, on all the progress I've gotten.

So my mind will do it's best,
To make sure my heart stays in line,
And doesn't cross these boundaries, laid so fine.

I question myself,
And question your intent,
Hoping that my next decision doesn't end in regret.

So good luck,
I truly wish you well,
Because this time, I won't be the one who fell.

I feel ***** when you call out my name
it's a shame
'cause you make me ***
but you can't make my heart race
and you kiss me hard
but you don't leave me breathless
you can stroke my cheek
but it won't make my hair raise

'cause at the end of the day
when you cry out my name
all I'll say is it's a shame
that I can't love you the same

I've died from cancer
at least three times
Convincing myself that I was so sick
without a single diagnoses
based on half conscious google readings
symptom checkers,
and of course
the way I was really feeling.

I've actually mourned my own life,
planned it out,
dreamt about it in the midst of a nightmare
imagined what everyone would do without me-

I thought about how beautiful
a slow goodbye would be,
I've convinced myself I felt bad
on days that I had a chance to feel good
And now I live the in between
In hopes to rid myself of this torture.
.
this is my sickness-
believing that I can die more than once
and ruining my life over the fact that
we do
indeed
disappear
from
our
physical
bodies.

So what does this mean
Does it mean anything at all
Are there any feelings left
Or are you twisting the real meaning around my head
Snapping my neck
And destroying my motivation
How should I approach this
Should I take a quiet step back
And let it all fester and settle down
Wisely study and analyze each surprising word conversed
Or should I leap off the cliff and leave only a cloud of dust behind
My feet look for a place to land
But as of right now
I just fall at a constant velocity
Free falling with no parachute
No net
No harness
No guide
But the question is
Will I leap and suspend myself in winds that only the birds master
My answer to that will be no
Absolutely not
Not until I grow wings to carry me
My heart needs to look through its scope and aim it's knowledge carefully at it's target
I will not pull any trigger unless I am absolutely sure of what I'm shooting
A scanner examines me from head to toe
Results show an awfully big shock
Detecting that there is something still there in my chest
It has always been there
But it's not me I'm uncertain of
It's her
It has always been her
She proved to me once that she had a heart the size of the moon
But will she shine through the darkness that has congregated over the months
And why or how
Why would she turn completely around when she was so sure of having her back towards me
The direction she was going was a bold move that said everything
I shut everything down
I convinced myself that I couldn't climb that mountain that was behind me
So I had no choice but to turn around and start forward
And the paces I took dragged a long ways along nothingness
A walk through a desert with an occasional rain here and there
And all of a sudden a lightning bolt to light up a new path
I took the bait she was fishing with
Dangling it all around me
Tempting my hunger
And I caved
I replied to that question
My curiosity is hard to put a rein on
And right now I feel content
I shouldn't feel the way I feel
But I do
Why do we feel a certain way
What are the combination of factors that determine our feeling's outcome
All these emotions were put in and the hypothesis states that I should feel angry, offended and abandoned
But I don't
And back to the original questions
What does this mean
Honestly I have no idea
Does it mean anything at all
It has to
Are there any feelings left
On my part there certainly is

Sometimes I go out at night
And sometimes I drink a little too many ***** tonics
And the next morning I forget that I did things like,
Kiss you in the alleyway behind my apartment
And that I said things like,
I love you.
And that you pulled away and looked at me, or through me
At the glow of the neighbor's television
And that I cried, and breathed deeply, gasping
As you shook your head,
I'm sorry...
And then I remember, and then I wish I could forget
Again.