I lied about my age
I lied about what I do
I actually go to school
And.. I live in NJ

But I did like your dress,
And those curls you probably worked hard to perfect
Your makeup was impeccable
Complimenting every curve of your face
I was surprised you even talked to me
Oh and
I deleted your number as soon as I walked out the door

Why do I find myself smiling
When she hurt me so bad
This girl that I see
Reminds me so much of Her
Her long blonde hair
The way she turns her head
And whips that hair around
The beauty in her face!
The flawless smooth skin
Bubbly personality that outshines everyone else
Very bold and very alive
Her excitement in her body language
Eyes stuck on her
Forgetting about everyone else
These two people are freakishly identical
Even her glasses and style
Even the shape of her curves
So alike
But
Why do I find this dumb radiant smile on my face
When She's no longer mine
And the after thought She brings me
She just dropped me like sack of potatoes
But this smile has to mean something
Perhaps in takes me back to when things were so wonderfully perfect
Or that I really am over it
Both successfully moved on
Or maybe I just like this new girl because she's just so ******* beautiful
Even though she makes a connection to my past
She's honestly pure gorgeous
And obviously I'm thinking way beyond rational thinking
But I can't help it
These two girls are the same in every way
But this smile just means that I can enjoy beauty
Simply taking it in and savoring it
I'm a sucker for a beautiful girl
I can admit that very clearly

My body wildly craves abuse
It begs me to work for pain
So I push myself to the edge
Or sometimes over it
But as I am still young
In a sense, my body can handle it
Or at least I like to think so
So I'll hurt the next day
(From running 8 miles)
Or I'll puke my guts out
(From partying with people)
But anatomy is super cool
Our bodies can gain muscle
Process alcohol
Consume drugs
Experience a variety of things
But we will heal
Repair ourselves
And do it all over again

My body is addicted to attention
As well as probably yours
And his
And hers
We beg inside for pleasure
We work ourselves to find someone
Or something
To make us feel better
(At the top of our game)
A significant other to touch us
Or a sweet sweet to munch on
Or a work out to sweat it out
And we are young
So we want as much as we can
(We can't get enough)
To last us the rest of our lives
And experience is part of it
I want as much experience as possible
Because in all honesty
I don't know what I like till I try it
Pretty much that goes for everyone
(Most of the scary stuff is in your mind)
Get past it
I crave experience
Good or bad

My body thrives on achievements
It begs me to keep up the good work
I push myself because I'm young
Things are easier to do now
Compared to later
I see older people struggle with everything
I want to keep these muscles I have
So I will work them hard now
(I will run and lift weights)
I want to keep my mind open
And I'll experience a bunch of things
(Drugs, drinks and ***)
So I will have fun crazy stories to tell when I'm old
Cause that's all old people are good for
Telling good stories
Right?
So I'll continue my journey
Through all the new experiences to come
The only thing I wish
Is that I would've started this journey
A LONG TIME AGO
(I've wasted half my youth)
And that disappoints me deeply

Someone I once loved
Ran his finger across my chest and traced
The outline of my moles and said
"They look like an anchor! When you connect the dots, they are the shape
Of an anchor! You are an anchor. It all makes sense now.
You are going to be okay."

At the time it was like some big epiphany for him,
Like he was telling me something about myself
That I never knew when really, I always knew
It was just
Something I didn't want
To admit. It is something
I have been running away from for a long time now, thinking
I could be an anchor for someone else
Because then THEY could be my problem, my project,
My ocean
So then that way I could leave myself, fallen by the wayside
To wither away, slowly, subtly,
Secretly disappearing.

I am attracted to people who are made of glass,
People who shatter easily, who shatter willingly,
Who are reckless and brilliant, beautiful and dangerous
People who I unconsciously think
I can save.

I can only save myself.
I can only be my own anchor.

I am nowhere near strong enough
To be with someone again
I am so terribly fragile, I break my own heart
So easily. Too willingly.
All I want is to keep realizing things like this,
To admit my mistakes and learn from them, not
Repeat them.
To hold on to the people who keep me on the ground,
The people who actually love me, who don't put me on
Some pedestal where I am liable
To float away.

Because if I'm not careful and let myself
Float away again,
I
may
never
come
back.

she thought that when she closed her eyes the world would be better
she thought that good would fill the bad
that happiness would fill the sad
she thought that the world would glow with smiles

she thought that if she closed her eyes the hurt would be sweet
she thought that the beatings wouldn't bruise
that the names wouldn't sting
she thought that her lids would shield her from pain

she thought that imagination could overcome reality
she thought that if she told herself everything would be okay, it would
but her eyelids didn't shield her
and her words didn't heal her

and the world remained untouched
and the beatings still bruised up
and for the first time she saw
the ring of fire encircling us all

Dear soul, you've got a lot to say. Speak.
Dear brain, you've always been right. How?
Dear legs, you've always been my strength. Fall.
Dear arms, you've been the ones to raise me up. Drop.
Dear nose, you've revealed all the fakes. Sniff.
Dear eyes, you've seen the game of life. Blind.
Dear heart, you've shattered with every tear. Heal.
Dear me, you've survived through it all. Break down.
Soul, when will you acquire your voice
And give your long awaited speech?
Brain, how could you have been so right
When everything seemed so wrong?
Legs, when will you give out
And scar from the fall?
Arms, how have you been able to hold me up
When everything else was pulling me down?
Nose, when will you expose me?
Eyes, when will you stop functioning
And go dark to the world?
Heart, how will you piece yourself together
When I cry every day?
Me, I'm sorry.

Through years spent
sharing a bedroom
And playing in the same streets
Gnawing on the same meals
with childish teeth
I don't think you really
know how much it all
means

Now weeks pass
I'm in class, you work
but I spend many nights
wondering if you hurt
or wonder if I've grown
since the days in that home

We have different tastes
different hungers
but I mean it when I say
I love you and I'm grateful to
call you
Brother

You doubt yourself because others doubt you.
You doubt that you are good enough, smart enough.
You doubt that you can get through college.
You doubt that you could be the first in your family to graduate.

It hurts me to see you doubt yourself.
You who have so much to offer the world.
It hurts me to see your own friends doubt you.
Do they not realize how their thoughts and actions affect you?

Creating goals for oneself does not mean you are setting yourself up for failure.
However without people around you who believe in you,
It is understandable why you can't believe in yourself.
But I believe in you.

I believe if you set your mind to it you can do great things.
I believe you can graduate from college.
I believe you are better than what others think of you.
I believe you are better than what you think of yourself.

If only I could tell you all of these things.
If only you would believe me.
If only you could see what I see.
If only you could see all that you could be.