I thought I was

a hopeless romantic

so blinded by what you called

my own fantasy,

sometimes i feel like i made your love up.

You were here enough

for me to stay within your reach

but i lost grasp of myself

because you werent there to hold my hand.

why do you only say you love me?

when i needed you to show me.

silly little girl

holding onto hopeful words

beautiful and real in the moment.

It’s a push and pull

based on adapting to you.

i reach beyond myself

for a drop of your attention,

losing myself

because i offer it all for

exchange of maybes

and no promises.

and its not worth

the suffering that

you think ill get through.

I lost grasp of myself

lying to myself I am okay

putting your love before mine.

I’ll miss you regardless

of the existences of Us,

might as well save myself

from your inconsistent love.

The minority will always be painted ugly by hoarded privilege.
So they can hide their greed and ignorance in their perfect image.
The American reality that discriminates and incarcerates, will use our anger as bait.
We become their tools to start fires and spark violence,
so they can asserts their forces and keep us silenced.
We think the chaos now is giving us an American voice,
But choosing to ignore justice for us has always been their choice.
They stole this land with unfair fights,
They made the constitution and cite their rights,
But they won’t share any of it if you’re not white.

Sometimes all you can do is love
Someone that hurts you
With their love.
Their love that provokes hope
also a love that blurs trust with hatred
making a mess that I don’t know how to leave
And I let you leave

In the arena,
my physical appearance is no secret.
A five feet three mass of flesh,
with a genuine friendly smile.
An unkempt hairdo,
that matches my four-legged lover.

My self-consciousness and shame hides
in my blind spot.
The scary, ugly, yucky, clumsy,
long list of me.
Where I chose not to look,
but let it filter the empathic ones.

The hidden areas leave crumbs,
for those who are trusted to enjoy it.
It is a delicious piece of expired candy,
that I don't know how to share.
It is weird, gnarly, and just gross enough,
to creep and sometimes fascinate.

Our unknown stares at us,
from both ends of the timeline.
We begin to confuse dreams,
and our assumptions become memories.
I no longer recall why there's a pull on my scalp,
nor how the old me faded away.

My heart has always been in fragile pieces,
And you came in holding it gently.
It wasn’t what you expected,
And you walked out letting it crumble.

I tore your heart out,
And replaced it with mine.
Im sorry it isn't perfect,
And in sorry it’s damaged.

You gave me a chance to hope,
And I gave you my trust.
I hoped for you to hang on tight,
And together we can make it whole for you.

Before that can happen,
You have to accept its flaws.
You can’t resolve a problem,
Without seeing a issue first.

I thought I was wasting time,
sending the wrong messages.
I blamed the medium,
to save your character.
Like the game of telephone,
where the words get twisted.
We let the (con)text pass on,
without it’s intent or meaning.
My empty desires,
achieved nothing.
Except its fill with emotions,
your senses couldn't comprehend.
I did send the correct message,
You just don’t know how to read.

I noticed all the red flags,
And I ran.
Except like a damaged bull,
To my demise.
Maybe I did ruined the flags,
But the color is still bright red.
The hatred came from seeing it’s color,
when the flags were labeled blue.
I got kicked out of my own cage,
And I won.
I didn’t keep my prize,
Because resentment takes up too much room.

The warmth of nurturing women
has never left your reach.
So I am just another piece of the puzzle
Still left in the box.
I don’t frame the image,
And get easily overlooked.

The chills from my loneliness
is difficult to adapt to.
So I focused on your potential
and ignored your glitches.
I thought I was letting myself be loved
but I was letting pieces of myself go.  

My anger fuels my day
while pain lights up my night.
So I pick up the pieces you threw away
And begin to see the picture.
To dissect what was us
And find myself again.

I want you to understand me,
Because words can’t always communicate
my feelings clearly.
But you seem to do a fine job ignoring it,
which makes me wallow in it.
You drive me crazy being so far away,
But being so far away keeps me sane.
Love me,
like I thought you would,
and it will be okay.

My unspoken affection
was the love I had for you.
The rest of you
was the bane of my smile.
My tears fall more
and my lips curl less
The love for you hid
the love from you.

Fake the love,
since we latch on anyways.
You've fooled yourself,
because love is not petty.
There’s no more than this moment between us,
where lines of love and hate thrive.
Once I step away
from the front of your face,
I’ve dropped my value
to less than a stranger.
Someone
you’ve shared smiles with,
Someone waiting to feel
like less than what they are worth.
I apologize to you
for not being enough,
And I apologize to myself for caring
to try to be.

You say I don’t love you
as much as you love me,
Because I don’t have pictures of you on my walls.

I had someone put a picture of me up,
it put a smile on my face.
They took my picture,
and a chunk of my heart too.
Just to leave
a text goodbye,
Without actually saying anything.

I can always explain but
explanations get tiring,
I want to rest now.
I want to smoke the ****
I saved for you,
and sleep with my blanket
That only kept you warm.

I have nothing to gain,
And tearful eyes to lose.
I hear I am everything,
but I feel like ****.
You think I love my dog more,
no,
she just loves me better.
You love me,
just because you say it.

Our shared interests
brought me here,
two years ago.
I thought we could be as beautiful as
the words you made into poetry,
And I can finally see clearly
That it was.
I finally understood your word paintings
as myself in your shoes,
Trying to fill the same void with
Borrowed love that we won’t return.
You knew I could love you
Just how you needed,
But it wouldn’t repair your heart because
I wasn’t what you wanted.
I write like you once wrote
about a love I don’t need but I want.