Mom,
It is a different kind of pain
It is a different kind of sadness
It is a different kind of happiness
It is a different kind of excitement
It is a different kind of crying
It is all different than what you think...
I am in more pain then you will ever know. But I will continue to keep saying it until you believe how different I really am.

I tried to tell her.
I tried to warn her.
I tried to help her.
I tried to support her.
No.
I told you not to date him.
I told you he was gonna hurt you.
I told you not to trust him.
I told you he doesn't care.
I told you he was lying.
Now I am hugging you while you sob and all I can say is
I told you so.

As young children we are told monsters don't exist
We are told as young children they are simply figments of our imaginations
We have our parents check under our beds and look in our closets
But what our parents have seemed to forgotten to tell us is that the monsters live among us

No, these monsters aren't a black figure with long fingers creeping out of our closet
No, these monsters don't try to grab my feet as I get up at night
These monsters can look as real as humans and can be hidden as well as a chameleon
You see not all these monsters are humans

Some of them live in our minds
They are like a parasite that can not be ridden of quickly
The monster comes out most when I am alone
It holds me in its arms as it tells me how worthless I am
The monster makes the night so appealing that it will not let me rest

It will tell me that I am useless, pathetic, and nothing as I try to close my eyes
It will shut off my emotions during the day so at night it can remind me of how much pain I am in
It tells me to put slits and marks and cuts on myself because that's the only thing that will make me feel better
It tells me how no one will ever care what I have to say because I am nothing special

This monster is not something we can see
This monster is not something we can touch
This monster is not something we can taste

This monster is known as depression.

Why am I scared when the Black Crow leaves?
He only causes me pain
He only hurts me in so many ways
So why am I scared when the crow leaves?
Is it because the Black Crow is the only thing that can make me feel something?
Or is it because the Black Crow is the only thing that left and came back?
No, I know why, it is because the Black Crow is the only thing that makes me feel normal
To me being in pain is normal
To me the Black Crow sitting on my shoulder telling me things is normal.

I feel as if I was just 3 playing chef with you because it was your dream job
I feel as if I was just running around in my underwear when you were trying to get me in the bath
I feel as if I can still hear your voice screaming at mom and her screaming back late into the night
I feel as if I can still feel you trying to give me alcohol when you were drunk
I feel as if I am watching you leave for the first time and thinking that you would come back
I feel as if I am watching you on the phone talking to your other children and slowly forgetting what we promised
I feel broken
I feel empty
I feel unwanted
Thank you dad.

The world can glow as bright as the northern lights

But it can also grow as dark as a black crow

The crow goes in and out of my life like my mind is a train station

But it never fully leaves it is always there, swarming my thoughts

Telling me what  I should believe

It tells me that "I am worthless, a burden, a mistake, nothing, unloved, unwanted, useless"

All of those things hurt yes,

But there is one thing this crows says to me that hurts me not like the rest..

"You deserve to suffer, you are just too meaningless."