who was just here
holding my hands
crying with me
who did i look into the eyes to
say, "i love you" to
say, "i can't be with you" to
you're less familiar
than a stranger

this is the part where i say something romantic
like i rather bear great heartbreak
at your hands
than never be with you at all

but the truth is
i rather live a lifetime of longing
questioning, "what if"
than to really know
the answer

he's silver and ivory
a magnet to shine loving eyes
he's a star in his own galaxy
who knows how to bend time
he burns my palms with his brilliance
yet i lavish in the flames
he breathes life with his resilience
and i wish to be the same
he is wrapped in a prayer
i whispered so softly into the night
nothing else can compare
to how it feels to bask in his light
is it passion or fear
or is it the feel of the flames
is he tortured or sincere
a candle, or a fire that can't be tamed

i loved you because you actually listened when i spoke
years later i found out
you didn't hear a word i said
i fell in love with your fiction
and spoke you to life in my heart as truth

If i was a flower
You’d be a branch in my roots
If i was a tree
You’d be reason for my fruit
If i was grass
I’d model my blades after you
If i were a bird
I’d fly wherever you flew
If i was cement
You’d be the concrete that created me
If i was a bench
You’d be my legs providing stability
If i were a blanket
You’d be woven in my threads
If i were a shoe
You’d be my treads

No matter what i’d be in this world
I’d always have pieces of you
I’m a mosaic of everyone i love
And, mommy, you are my glue.

Sita smiles as i bring her a sandwich
Two toasts with butter, ham, and cheese
And yet sita smiles as if i've made her a 5 course meal
Sita smiles as i make her a drink of my own recipe
‘Thank you pepe’ she says
And brandishes a glass of mysterious content
She hasn’t tasted it yet
But still she smiles

Sita cheers for me as i run down the soccer field
She’s waiting for me with a hug, even after games i don't play
From the bench
I can see her smile
Sita is waiting in the car i've known my whole life
‘How was school’ she says
Always with a smile

‘I'm coming home Sita’
It's been 2 years since i've seen her
She doesn’t ask when
She doesn't ask how
She smiles

‘I can't come home Sita’
It's the day after the flight i couldn’t get on
She doesn’t ask when i can
She doesn’t ask but I tell her how I missed it
I tell her i love her and will see her soon
She smiles

It's been 3 years since i've seen her
Sita tells me she has cancer
I tell her she's the strongest person i know
I love her
She smiles

‘I promise i’ll fly out to new zealand to see you’
The last time we spoke
She tells me she hates the food there
I think about how i’ll make her a sandwich, like i used to
I tell her it’ll be okay, she’ll be okay
‘I love you Sita, I promise I’ll see you soon’
She doesn’t ask when
She doesn’t ask how
Sita looks at me, the face I’ve known all my life
And she smiles

there is always a drought
a lack of tears on my cheeks
then reminders of you come around
and suddenly i'm drowning