**** me

for crumbling lies

for falling for you

for saying sorry

and my
un-ability
to accept.

My fingertips were paper cuts,
when I told you I didn't love you;
you snatched your hand away.

My voice cracked like broken glass,
when I told you I was sorry;
you turned your head away.

The windshield of your car was cracked,
and inside we were shattered.
You said I'd never see you cry;
you lied.

My hands were shaking cold
when you took off the watch i gave you.
You said you didn't want it,
and then I checked the time.

It was 9:53 on a Tuesday.
It was supposed to snow,
but it didn't.

I couldn't change the atmosphere,
or lighten your heavy heart,
despite how much I wished I could.

You turned the engine off,
and I knew that it was over.
My heart was in my stomach,
and it was all my fault.

I took off the necklace,
you gave me for my birthday.
You didn't want it back;
I left it in the cupholder.

I didn't want to leave you,
but I knew I had to.
My words were sharp like razors,
and I couldn't take them back.

I'm sorry.
For tearing at your heart.
I hurt myself too,
I don't deserve your love.

You shook your head in silence,
before you left your car.
I wished I could curl up,
in the passenger seat and wait.

Wait until the morning,
when you drank your coffee,
and pressed your shirt,
and went to your car to leave for work.

I was tired, and you tapped the window.
I wasn't surprised but I hoped it wouldn't happen.

I took my things and left your car,
the warm passenger seat.
It wasn't mine anymore,
it never really was.

I said goodbye;
you pretended not to hear.
You waved, even though
I wanted a hug.

We said goodbye,
and I knew it was over.
I said goodbye to your arms,
your voice over the phone.
I lost your favorite movies,
and the way you did your hair.

The color of your eyes would
become just a memory,
and the curves of your lips,
would fade just like my perfume.

If I said I wouldn't miss you,
that would be a lie.
I missed you almost instantly,
as soon as I said goodbye.

I swallowed my pride,
and pushed aside my regret.
I needed to walk myself home.

I looked back to your house,
but you weren't on the porch.
I remembered sitting there,
just talking on the steps.
It'd be passed 1am,
but we wouldn't notice that.

You'd say goodbye,
then let me leave,
but you'd always call my name.

I know it'll never be the same.

Every step I took,
I felt you fade away.
I couldn't do anything,
to make you stay.
It was all my fault.

I'm sorry.
I didn't want to say goodbye.

The flyest chick that I will ever know,
she be cooler than winter, cooler than snow.
Her name is Hannah, but thats doesn't matter,
she's even better than the ******* Mad Hatter.

'Imperfection is Beauty,' is her favorite motto.
What the hell in the world rhymes with motto...
I'm definitely not perfect when it comes to poetry,
But I'm sure my Hannah-Kins still loves me.

I may have met her recently in this school year,
but she's an amazing & rad girl, I'd share my beer.
I just wanted my best friend Hannah to know,
I love her & I'll never let her go...
(Not in a creepy stalker kinda way... eh. Maybe)

I like lying in the bath,
don't think I'll wash myself yet,
I like lying in it
think I'll think for a little while
and shut my eyes for a bit
mmm,
that's nice
where's my bath pillow?
doesn't matter,
just don't fall asleep again
one of these times
your probably going to
die
just look at the bubbles
the pretty bubbles James
look how nice
not as nice as the feeling of sleeping though
open your eye's James! open your eyes!
I can't help it this feelings too nice.

the bubbles in my bath shatter
and sink beneath me now shards of glass
of green,
and as I try to run the blades of grass cut my feet wide open
pouring my blood
until they are all rusty coloured
and they squeak like old mattress springs
  their delicate towers pushed by the wind
why are you chasing me? I cried,
It doesn't matter
the bath turning into a water slide
sending me down the plug hole
deeper inside

plunged into an abyssful ocean
body sinking down
wrapped up in it's blanket of blissful motion
warmth fades as I reach the place
where the light can not cut through
and blackness in my eyelids where once there was blue
I feel smooth ice slide against my knees
and soon my whole body  slides against it,
deeper and further down
I didn't need breath until I thought of it,
now I'm drowning!
Frantic scrabble slippy sliding
against the ice it's whiteness
stolen from the sky
need to break through
somehow
or I'm going to die
My attempts to climb take me nowhere
I beat my hands against the ice
let me in,
let me in to where there is the warmth of light
and breath to be breathed,
A slight crack,
A satisfying sound
As my fist tries to pound against the ice,
softened blows as they try to cut through the water
another crack
desperation pumps the blood to fuel my fists
as my chances of breath become
shorter and shorter
A break through
plunged down a waterfall
to rest in a still pool
greens and browns and bright colours of a distorted
jungle as I try to make my gaze to see through the silken water
It's softness calms me,
sinking once again
until my struggle turns into a jelly
I can step out of and see my reflection of myself in it
and bright green tree's with the fruits of tangerine coloured
photograph smiles,
making laughing noises
as I bounce my way across the pool,
and before they reach ripeness
My bounces turning into realisation of flight
before their camera flashes go off
and I am blinded,
  and now they look like twinkles
in a lonely oasis
I can see the whole desert from here,
and this is amazing,
I like flying
I can escape everything,
as I go higher
I reach cold clouds
and before I can pass them
I'm shrouded in doubt
and feel myself being pulled
back down to the ground
and I try and jump again,
but it's not as good this time...
I can't bounce in the sand
The heat must mean death soon
large glass beads sweat from the sand dunes
and I become stuck to one and begin to roll
down it's surface
and what was shallow before
turns into a hill,
and then nothing but falling
down
and I wake up
and wonder what I was just dreaming about,
minds ideas inscribed on the wings of butterflies,
already fluttered away into the clouds.
and I realise I fell asleep again
and the waters cold
and I forgot a towel.

i don't think
you quite understand
how much
                            i need you
to get better
for me
to get better
            because i cant
live with another
         death on my mind
and he told me
                        to look after you
                        to help you
make it out
alive
                  so i am;
            i'm living for you
understand this
please, i'm just scared
to tell you outright
but it's true
                                     besides my best friend, with obvious reasons
     you're why
                           i'm fighting death
     you're why
                           i'm trying
     you're why
                           i'm waking in the morning
i know
this could be a pressure to you
maybe thats why i haven't said anything
but please, read between the lines
realize i'm helping you
to help me
                                           to get us both out
              of this self inflicted dungeon alive
    don't make my struggles worth nothing
help me
                  this team of two
     might just make it then
                                                   but i need you to pitch in okay?

A small girl came up to me today.
She looked up at me with her big, blue, honest eyes and simply said;
"Hi, can I ask you something?"
She didn't even give me time to respond before asking, quite matter-of-factly,
"What does love mean to you?"

Well, I guess I had to think about that one.
"Trust." I said.
"Love, to me. Means trusting that your love for others will be taken care of with careful hands."
She looked up at me, not knowing at all what I meant. She just told me,
"Thank you miss." and walked back to the playground.

I found myself thinking about what this little girl had asked me. And I found myself thinking, I am so dumb.

Love is a lot of things. Love is a color. Love is a type of dessert. Love is sweet as ice cream, and it can be just as cold. Love is the scars on my wrists, and love is the bruises on my knees.
Love is the way the sun shines on every single one of us. There isn't a person that the sun refuses to shine on, so, I guess love is honesty? I don't really know.
But I know our love was infinite. We lived in infinity for a year and three days. Our love was also tears at 3am, and 9 hour phone calls with no sleep.
Our love was no secrets, we learned to spell love as Y-O-U and never as I-O-U. Your love never owed me anything. My love never stopped giving.
Love is non-judgmental.
Love is blind.
Love is deaf, love is irresponsible.

Second loves, are different.
Second loves are awkward, because they try to fit themselves in places where only the first loves should fit.
He tried to fit his kneecaps behind mine, but they weren't shaped the same as yours. My body before you hadn't been, imprinted. But the first time we spooned, yes, I just said spooned, your kneecaps created crevasses in the bends of mine. So when he tried to fit his fingers in the spaces between my own, I think he found your fingerprints still etched where they should have been washed away long ago.

Love, is a crack in the sidewalk.
Love turns your heart stone cold.
Love loves to see you suffer, and love loves the see you go through all the pain of broken-ness.

Be careful who you give your love to.
Be careful whose hands you drop your heart into, because some hands are too big and too strong and too unforgiving to hold your heart with the tenderness and care that it deserves.
Love will kick you in the stomach, and stab you in the back. Love will twist your words, love will make you lie.

Love is a pen and piece of paper.
Love is in every poem that I write.
Love is words, that sink into your blood and travel through your arteries.
Words that make your heart pump.
Love is your heartbeat.

Today, I walked up to a little ******* a playground.
I asked her, "What does love mean to you?"

And she replied, with absolutely no hesitation.
"Love is how when you fall off the monkey bars, you get back up and try again. Because even though I keep falling, I really wanna get to the other side."