I really hope you're happy.
Seeing you makes my heart ache, and I don't understand it. You know me, I like for things to fit into tiny little boxes. And we don't fit in any.
Part of me wants to hate you for being so selfish. Friendship only hurts the weak of heart. Yet you have one of the strongest hearts of anyone I have ever been blessed enough to know. I really want to pass this hurt off for anger. It makes me feel better about the situation.
I did nothing wrong. We both know it. But walls were still erected and I just can't seem to wrap my mind around why. Why you kept dating someone else when your feelings for me were stronger. Why pushing me out of your life was what would make your relationship better. Why you don't answer anymore. Why you're not here when I need you.
I may not have wanted you in the same way that you wanted me, but you have to admit that we had-arguably, still have- a bond. There's something about our relationship that is so comforting, so *****, so real. I felt like from the moment that I met you that I could tell you anything. Your support is sorely missed.
I'm sorry I've messaged you. I can't help it. When a piece of you is missing, it's hard not to reach out. And not to guilt you, but I've needed you in your absence.
I've been growing so much. In fact, I wonder at times if you ever come back to me if we will even meld the same way because I'm not the person I was when we last spoke. Hell, I'm not the same person I was six months ago. You'd be amazed, and proud I hope.
I miss our conversations about philosophy and car rides where we shared music no one else listens to. I miss our essay text conversations and musings about a better world. I can't have those conversations with anyone else. No one else quite gets me like you do.
Maybe this is all coming out because I'm grieving. Did you know my grandpa was sick? It's been so long since we really talked that I can't honestly remember. He died last week. I feel so empty. My friends keep trying to help me through the process and keep asking me what I need, what they can do for me. I honestly have no idea. No one understands me enough to help me through- not even myself. It's been rough.
And to top it all off, today I saw you. Of all days. Coming fresh from a seven hour shift, with a test tomorrow, not having slept well the past week, and grieving like a *******, I saw you. With her. The reason why. My heart doesn't feel like it's beating. I just feel cold.
But I kept walking. It's not her fault, it's not mine, it's not yours. That's what I have to keep telling myself. If not I'll go insane. But I want someone to blame.
My boyfriend sees you and talks to you more than I do. Do you have any idea how much that stings, for us to walk past each other and for you to greet him and not me? I don't think I deserve this treatment, I don't know if we were ever friends. Friends don't alienate each other over someone else's feelings. Friends don't hurt each other. Not for two long years, not by saying "well, contact me if you need anything but other than that let's just not stay in touch."
Do you know my mom still asks about you? Tells me I should reach out and that "he's such a good guy and was such a good friend-more than that at one point- to you, of course he'll respond!" But you haven't. Not once. I respect it, of course. Maybe the you I remember is slowly becoming an idealization because we haven't talked in so long. But I couldn't be any more lost.
This is the part where I feel like I need to update you on how I'm doing and assure you I'm great and tell you you don't need to reply or even finish reading this, but I'm done apologizing. I've done nothing wrong. The strength it would take to even send this to you isn't in me right now. I don't think I could take another disappointment of seeing "read" on a screen again.
So I really hope you're happy, and I mean it. Last we talked you weren't- far from it. And you know I worry much too much for my own good. Imagine how badly I worry about you when we haven't spoken in two years.
Stay happy. Keep filming. And stay smiling. That's ultimately all I can ask.