I strain my eyes
Still I cannot look beyond where the light reaches
I am so afraid
My mind tells me
That such awful things
I have seen by the light of day
Worse would it not be
That the cloak of night wraps in her darkness

We just set our clocks for the day
And hope that the nighttime
Doesn't drip right into our eyes
As quickly as the day is unwound

The woman
She fell away from me
She span like mercury
Retrogradient into the night
I call her name
Into the thickness of the atmosphere
She says my name like a kiss
Like a whisper
"Goodbye"

One of my bar customers wrote me these short words;

Wonder

Have you
Ever gazed
Upon a
Sleeping child
Then
  Wondered
                    At
                       That
                            Wonder


Pain

Pain is a
Part of life
But
Like
A
Dying
Leaf
The pain
Will be just
Another  
           Refrain

Reminder:

You aren't responsible for how people treat you.
The reflection of themselves is a mirror you don't need to back.

Xoxo

I don't want to make things
If they're just going to fall apart
I don't want to love things
If they're just going to break my heart
Is this how God saw the world
At the beginning of created time
Making moving plates in the earth
Just so we would cross the line

You can be anything or anyone that you want
But maybe it would suit you best to be everything you are

The edge is not the end
So I fall

As did the angels

We don't stand higher
Than we are afraid of falling
Yell louder
Than we are unable to hear calling
Sleep quieter
Than our sheets will remember
Mind melting
This house un-sheltering
The floor unsettling
Run, run, run
Our fears are more than true
They won't stop
Until they get you

Beauty is more than what you see
Its something that creates a reaction

Like fire and dry wood
It can burn
Sometimes beautiful

But don't let it get out of control

Who am I to say that I'm alive
I felt close to death before
Pulled nearer and nearer
I have slipped away since then
Fear for the end, and
Reality of life
May charge their forces
With no avail against me
What will sway me
When I have seen the end
And made a new beginning

I get it, you don't think you are good enough for her
Every part of you wants her, you crave the sound of her voice and your body longs for her touch on your skin
You think she's the one, you know she's the one
So don't let the fact that you don't feel good enough, make you pull away
Because if she wants you, then that is going to hurt her more than anything if you leave

So stop focusing on who you aren't right now, and start working on who you can be for her
If you can get down on one knee, so can your pride

I have only ever wished to be gentle
And at peace
It has always seemed just out of reach
You never allowed such a thing
So now I shall rage steadily
Against the fading of the light
Spare me your words
I have ached long enough

I thought I would write you a poem
But my emotions found their own words
From my lips to yours

i. you to explain your anger

ii. you to slip slivers of ice
between the stacking of my spine
so that when I shiver it feels like an icicle shattering

iii. my tongue to remember your name so well, but unable to speak it for fear that it would be a potent spell and conjure out of the air

iv. you to tell me I'm pretty as if I didn't not already know

v. you to hold the gold of my heart as the highest currency, a debt paid against myself with every act of true self or kindness

vi. you to linger here like the taste of licorice and tobacco

What good is the kindness in your heart
If it doesn't reach the tip of your tongue
And cannot even find its way to the extremity of your hands

Tuck me away
In your ribs
Let me sleep
Next to your heart
And lungs
A shallow breath
For a steady beating heart

I'm not really into the whole self pity thing
For the most part I handle my ****
But I'm sitting here and my legs won't stop shaking
I hate needing help

The ******* the sidewalk
The face against rainy window pains
The girl of shadows and dark secrets
The girl that never lets anyone see her cry

The girl the really hates goodbye
The girl you left for another
The girl that chokes on her words
The girl that sits in the sand drawing obscure pictures

The girl that longs for you to be with her
The girl that knows you could make her dreams come true
The girl you never notice
The girl that knows you will never care

The girl that is never there.

I have always believed
Those who break others
Deserve to be broken

Now here I am broken
Because of how I did you

I'm sorry
I'm so sorry

You have fallen through the heavens
It seems no one could bear to tell you
That time holds you in her cupped hands
Somehow you found a way
To slip through her fingers, like water
On you go, a way you do not know
You made a way on your own
I did not know such a thing could be done
You have expanded my horizons
In but an instant
It seems as if I could run across the dessert in a day
I seek mirages in my sleep
Counting my dreams like change in my pockets
A penny for your thoughts
At a dollar a minute
I muster two cents for an answer
You would barted your soul I think
For just a taste of tomorrow, today
At what price though
That your time layered in the stratosphere
Would be shaved just a little thinner
The angels would scoff at such
One day though I shall make them laugh
I have guardians
They all have wings
Yet between the six of us
Only two hands
So I must fold my days and tuck them away
Some days, they smell like warm summer
They feel like comfort of the sun on my face
Others are a deep, dark fabric
Woven with a sturdy mind and threaded with little pieces of spite
Yet every now, or now and again
I pack up a little trinket of today
It tastes like fresh air on the first day of a hopeful spring
With just a little bit of rain
Washing away the worries of the world
Oh that I could cling to this
But as I love her
I let her go

The hands of God
Dig into our world
Tearing her chest apart, in less than a tenth of the time it takes to beat a single note
What is dying than to be closer to the stars
Will I ever remember the sweetness of my own name

You dug it into my skin with your nails
That you would find my retributions deep within my skin
Only bones for your labors
Still my confession sits in the back of my throat
And none shall pass
Except the prayers my fear mumbles in foolish comfort
Like shadows across the moon
These words are wind and my inhibitions just leaves

When the rain comes down
To weep the ending of the world
The uncreating
You were in the womb
Will you cling to me
And such you came forth
Your heart so young in its beating
That your fingers curled around mine
You let liquor kiss your lips just so she could speak your honesty
Finding nothing for your troubles
Will you lay with me
Or is that your footsteps I hear retreating in the dark

The water was quieter than expected
     Though fast in its flowing
There is a silent beauty in death
     Not knowing where she is going
Have you swam in dark water before
     How foolish of me to ask
Holding your breath before barking dogs
     This was never meant to last
I did not expect to hear your laugh
     The sound less permeable
Than your ghosting form
     Are we already irreparable
The boat draws near
     Bone like fingers on oars
Denari clink in your shallow pockets
     Like skulls knocking on doors

I am ready

You were rich in wonderment
As are many beginnings
Slowly the pennies fell out of your pockets
This is the way many things have gone
I will follow
Though with stubborn footsteps

I am lost again
Hoping
When I return
I will be loved
The same
I knew myself once
Not today
The whispers of that quiet soul
Do not look for me
Because they do not care to find
I am not ashamed of this
Other things maybe
Not of myself

I heal in the puddle of your affection
Clear water dripping from your lips
Pooling with my oil spill tears
Lost on the plight of my affliction
Another cart hitched to the horse of depravity
Bring out your dead
There is no room for mourning here
Plant your new flowers
In dark rich soil
The spirits in the earth
Watch over the roots of your labor

When I am missing you
The stars fall out of my eyes

I knew you would come for me
I turn my back against the wall
Trying to estimate your angle is exhausting
Anticipating your timing aggravating
God I just loved minding my own business
Nothing of this taste is bittersweet
I find no eloquence in this
I am not fine
Incapable of being refined
Raw and hurting
Stand my ground
My lip quivers
I thought you had pulled
Every last tear I would ever cry
From the corner of my eyes
I questioned once if anything was real
Now I wonder if I am healed
Is this a test of the universe
To see what I have learned
Or are you out for blood
It would not be the first time
You spilled mine

My breath catches in my throat like the plunk of copper in a wishing well
We had dreams once, and I haven't slept so well since
I'm holding my breath, sinking to the bottom

Time doesn't always tell you what you wish you had know
It just a births a new fool, so that tomorrow someone will pay their 'I told you so' dues
Being with you was like standing in the middle of the road blindfolded with candy in my mouth
Dangerous, foolish, sweet and wishing a car would just hit me so it could be over
Having everything you ever wanted
Doesn't mean it's good for you
But peope are drugs and I'm an addict
Who hides on the top floor of their house in the summer as the rising heat steals my next breath from between my lip
As quickly as I conceive a kiss
My brain screams abort it
As I convince myself its not "that bad"
Because some people fall in love with volcanoes trying to convince the world that they are just misunderstood mountains
Until they erupt
And you aren't erupting, not yet
You are just simmering on your way to a boil and telling me that lava isn't that bad because I'm used to being cold
But eruptions don't care
If you are nice
Or kind
Or nice and kind and sweet and patient
They just want to devour every taste in one bite
Even if they are just going to spit it out
One day you will find me
To your misfortune, it will not be as I left

I send
Emotional
Hey girls
To
Emotional
**** boys
For
Emotional let downs
Kindered too
Emotional heartbreak
I'm not
Home
Right now
In my head
Standing
At the door
Knocking
Please
Someone let me
In

I beheld the lantern sky
It was as if you were born into it
Another candle to warm the desolation
Another light for the desperate
You are already one with the earth
The heavens did not send you
You came anyway
To find in yourself, what cannot be spoken
These dreams and visions given to you
With their seams threaded into the universe, were not meant to find their way upon your tongue
Oh how well your fingers make them know to me
All that you make, as an extension of yourself
Is not in vain
Though wrought in folly
As fools live among us as if they were the wise
How shameful is the way they carry their head
Is there no better place than upon their shoulders
A monsters face will find it's place
As do all things, in the lantern sky
Constellations are eternal, even in the temporary
Can one light hold the nocturnal wraiths at bay
Still you light it
That the fates may see
Searching for wicks, in the lantern sky

The halfway angels are speaking again
You do not need ears to hear them
They are a sight to behold
I have been lingering
In the silent place for many eons
I cannot name what baited me
Or what kept me for so long
Invisible burdens
Live by gravity’s promise
I have quietly wondered
If you would whisper in my ear again
I would not beg plea or ask
What have I made of time
The same human foolishness as before
You beg for change
That you will not see through
Heaven does not laugh or cry at our plight
Only looking down in wonder
As the journey marches on
Will you take me to the river
Wash me clean
Of this tarnish rusting up my skin
Baptist me until I am pure
Until we are white lights
Against the Milky Way

Beauty comes from the inside
But your eyes don't lie
When you look at me
Beautiful is all you see

The imperfections fade
Or do you not see them at all
Are my scars not visible to you
This used be so simple black and
white now mixed with blue

there is guilt among these bones in my chest
there is pain threaded through my veins
i wish to tear it away from myself
still it clings
wretched fool that it is

there is loathing in the depth of my core
there is regret flowing through my blood
i wish to depart from such depravity
still it clings
wretched fool that i am

Heaven, not as motionless as before
Time stirring, it's scent in the wind again
Beginning, sifting further from memory
Gathering thoughts, consciousness, as it goes
Are we ageless now, with our back
Face to face with creation
The flow of blood through my hands, thickening
The hand of man stirs not what it would devour
Hunger again, thirst will abandon you
Here at the bottom of the well
Pennies of copper for silver tongues, iron hearts
Who do you think you are
Grounding yourself on holy soil
When the womb of your thoughts
Finds itself barren again
Will you act with the hunger of your mind
Binding satisfaction with the gnashing of teeth
To a prayer no man can stomach
You miscarry yourself
Infertility of your thoughts
Spilling dead seed in an empty garden
Begging weeds for fruit, watering sand
Bartering fools gold for spent promises
Turning soil over
You would be better to dig your grave
There is rest in the earth
Bite your tongue, clear your mind of pain
Remember wisdom
Food for soil, food for thought
Bread that is broken
Yesterday's tears and sweat
Spent as they dry
Coins on your eyes as you sleep every night
Is your hope simply that you pass
Peacefully through iron gates
If your mind is weak so are your hands
Fools do not doubt their wisdom, only yours
How confident you are behind your walls
Painting sunflowers on the walls
When you will not make windows
How stale a mind kept in a box
Have you not been told
Eyes are the window to the soul
Let the light in

I wish to rage against all the constructs of this world
Against every little constraint
Yet I find my spirit to gentle
And my voice to soft to carry itself
The sun has not yet died
And my feet still carry themselves on the topside of the earth
The strength in my bones does nothing for the restlessness that I cannot shake

I have a theory
Angels being God's first and oldest creation
Ancient wonder, ethereal being
Then he created the earth and all within
Plants and dinosaurs
Some angels bore child by woman
Sowing winged seeds into the salt of the earth
Maybe those with old souls
Have angel blood swimming around in mortal veins

I knew I had love with you
Because when I spend time with you
It passes as quickly as when I write

My eyes slip over  'No Tresspassing' signs as if they said 'Saturday' or 'I love you'
I hold my breath, waiting
Hoping, hopelessly, that your words would pass through me like fog
These shivers are for my skeletons
I clench my all too bony jaw together with my all too silent teeth
Promising the next drink for the ghosts at home in the closet
I owe them much, debts keep me alive
If loose change was blood that's what keeps my heart beating
If my heart stopped, the currency exchange would be no different
Would you be any different
I keep asking the voices in my head
They don't like what I have to say
You never answer the phone
I keep calling, the dial tone is nostalgic
Like cotton candy at the fair
Or slamming my face off the dashboard
Doing donuts in the snow
You told me it was an accident
I wish I was as good at apologizing
As you are at making excuses
I force myself to sit at the table with you when you eat
I know how much it ***** being hungry alone
I am waiting for the day I wake up from my nightmares
Sweat soaking the sheets
Without an appetite for you

I get stuck in those moments
Like a video call with a bad connection
And I can't redial
To reconnect
With myself

In the crypt
Leaning against tombstones
The Devil whispers secrets I told him
Back to me through the marble slab
I was raised in the shadows of the dead
How will I hold the sun
When you no longer stand between us
Skeleton secrets, burying into the earth
The coffin knocks
It will not sound again
They dead are listening
They will rise