If my voice was as loud as my heart would you hear it?

I was stupid; like a blind girl waiting to see the sun
I was hopeful; like a blind girl waiting to see the sun
I was in the dark; like a blind girl waiting to see the sun
I tilted my face to the sky; like a blind girl waiting to see the sun

I saw myself in a old photo today
I don’t have that outfit anymore
I remember the piece of tissue
Stuck to my shoe from the toilet water
The last thing I remember tasting
Was black, and mild, and sober
I smoked it on the cold ground
In the alley behind the bar
That seemed the safest place
I took my clothes off when I got home
Bagged them twice
Placed them in the garage bin
I sat under the scalding shower water
Praying it would burn you out of me
Feeling the storm inside
Wanting lightning to come down
Strike you from me
Wishing I had the strength
To scrub you off me
Knowing naked would never be the same
A layer of comfort peeled away

I saw myself in a photo today
The day you made me sick
Remembering laying lifeless
In my bed
Unable to move, sweating
The fever did not cleanse me
You readied me
For trials
I did not know I would endure
You weakened me
For burdens
I was not meant to bear

It was a week before he came
Separate from you
Soon to be the same
In my fevered thoughts
I thought my shining knight
Was here to comfort me
He drew his sword
Stabbing the wound you opened
His armor
Protected only him
Who will pull the sword
From the stone
I am too weak

Picture me now
Wearing this scar
I waited for it to fade
To heal

We are not all bulletproof in our intentions.

Undress my heart
Let her feel the cold chill
Of November midnight winds
The howl of the coyote
Is music to her rhythm

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I am found
Yet
Feel a void
Like a lost breeze
With no
Direction

you brought warmth
to the trembling of my unsteady hands
and the shake in my voice

you brought joy
to the cracks in my eyes
and the laugh in my throat

you brought light
to the shadows in my heart
and the abyss of scars in my skin

you brought hope
to the smiles hidden in the lines of my cheeks
and the treading of my feet

you brought love
to the air rushing through my lungs
and the words falling out of my mouth

Like Fall's best shades
Your eyes shine
If they were steps
I would climb

Cool and dark
And mixed with ice
To look in them
Is to pay a price

Brown as the leaves
With a shimmer
Deep as the earth
Tears much thinner

Gentle gazes
But yet you see my soul
Looking inside
To see what's whole

Sweet like chocolate
I dare not take a bite
I could never able to handle
The feelings at that height

For I would never wish to harm
That gentle part of your soul
I'd rather just watch
And let you stay whole

But yet I bit into your poison
A choice I chose to choose
And I shall regret nothing
For it was mine to lose

Trap me inside your eyes
I am lost in them already
Don't rock me like a boat
Keep your gaze steady

If I told you
I wanted to rip my skin off
I don’t know
How you would look at me
I can be naked
Not vulnerable
Know that when I say this
I have already
Been tearing myself into little pieces
It seems I have been trying
To get the words out
For a thousand years
My throat is full
Of all the things I did not say before
I sit here at the bottom
Of a hundred mountains
I will never climb
A hundred birds come and tell me
Of the beauty on the other side
I ache for something I will never see
I am too tired for the journey
My feet too weary for the path
My bones will not hollow themselves out
I am still empty
What a weight it is

I am not untouchable
For I am human
In my tangibility

I have become less of late
And my words have become such

We bloom every spring
But the winter is still hard

I don't even let myself have bad days
Today is a either a good day
Or a sad day
But it is still a good day

A clenched fist
Leaves no room for dreams

Remember when we were a young girl
Swimming in rivers of indifference
The cotton sky is gone now
Will we ever find our way
Back to the youth of sunflower fields

We must push through

It is all I have ever known
I place my palms against the drywall
Again
And again, and again
It is not finished
The powder fills the cracks in my skin
Nestles under my nails
My brow sweats
Still, I push
There is always resistance
After this wall
There will be another
As if my will power
Is trying to climb parallel
Through every floor
Of a skyscraper

Keep pushing

If life was a valley
Where would you walk

In the stark sunlight
As it beat down upon you
In all the glory of the day
As it kisses your face
With the warmth of its rays

Or would you walk beside me
In the coolness of the trees
I see no light, only darkness
And the shadows that wreath me
They tell me their secrets in confidence
For they know my name in turn
Me eyes have long forgotten
All the radiance of the sunlight
I cannot know that which I fear

And so my journey is this
One that I walk beneath the moon

I am caught in a between a rock and a hard place
Between my insecurity and my heart

I let loose
A stampede
Of blood horses
They raced down my arm
To be the first down the drain
To be the first one to run away from me
At the first sight of pain.

The night will come for you
This is the way the sun will steal you
When the darkness grows tired
She will awaken the sky
With a wanderers match
And an Angel's smile

The committee in my head is trying to convince me that I can wash away my troubles like a bug on the windshield

Walking on two legs
As if they were the stiffest sticks
To make a way to the stream
That I could lay myself
In the rushing waters
That it would wash my ashes away
These cinders of spite, I burned
The smoke fills me now
As my passion once did,
Like sap in these maple limbs of mine,
On into the night it goes
On into the night dies
Whispering to the stars
Of the anger of men
And how a clenched fist
Lights fires
That cannot always be put out
The water tastes the remorse
Damming these mortal wishes
As another night is dragged
Into the vision of the dead
To lay with those who cannot forget
The kiss of fire
As it learned to bite

Those emerald green eyes
Lying in wait for me
Behind those dark shades

Those hands folded carefully
Reaching out to me
From your heart

I can't move, I am pierced by your gaze
I long for your touch, but try to run away

My home
Place of birth
Such a lowly
Humble berth

Is this where
The love lies
Or this is where
The love dies

A simple place
With welcome face
Memories up to the roof
The pictures holding proof

They frame walls
Hands and feet
So many faces
Gathered here

Looking through
Walls of glass
Does this joy
Really last

The price you have to pay
When you are the hero who saves the day
Ride into the sunset but you ride alone
Cast out, falling heavy like a stone

You bear the weight of the world on your shoulders
Heavy pains n heavy boulders
Born through time
Walking the straight line

Why did you settle?
For your sake you could do better.
She hates me now.
And she doesn't even know.
Half of your story.
Let alone 5% of mine.

She doesn't deserve you.
You could have anyone you want.
In the whole world.
I know I want you back.
I know you would of left.
If you could of chosen.

Chosen to stay with me.

I.
Cling.
To.
That.

Hope.

I will always love you.

But.

Right now.

I question why.
You are with her.
I hear.
I heard the rumors.
That you kissed.
She said it was awful.
You are always cold around her.
Inside and out.

But.

Baby.

With me.

You were fire to my ice.

When I kissed you.
Your eyes melted to gold.
And the heat between our tongues.
Was electric.

Yes it hurt to see you.
Together.
But I would be happier.
To see you.
With more.
Better.

Not less.
You went from me to her.
Ten to a two.
You don't need a trophy wife.
But baby I want you to have.
The best in this life.
Even if,

That isn't me.

And so I offer you,
My humble
Opinionated
Sacrificial
Words

I'm sorry

<3

Good light
Good night
Soft heart
Cold night
Sweet dreams
Losing teams
Lost mind
Go behind

You
So loyal
To your pain
Will you not
Even dare
Lift your head
For the sun to come up

Stop settling for what is better
   And shoot for what is **best

Your lips were the edge of the world
I find myself
Forever falling

Am I truly this gentle
To let all things pass
I will not lean my will against yours
Will not turn my face from your sun
Yet the shadows pass across my skin
Perhaps I should have remained silent
Inquisition my great folly
Will this change us like seasons
Again and again I have returned
There is no change in the weather
No straight and narrow to wander
Philosophies spew from my finger tips
I touched you once
I fear it will not be the same
Have we changed so quickly
Here in this moment
Not yet bereft of the last
Lingering like your touch on my skin
I am not held to this
Not truly released
Not halfway vacant
Not completely full
Time will quench me
As we once did thirst together
In the dessert
Must 40 years pass
Before you dare lick milk and honey
From my fingers
Let the taste settle in the corners of your mouth
On the back of your tongue
I told you I was human
I told you I was a liar
But not a fool
All is well
There is no anger here
No pain
No paper fingers withdrawing into their sheaths
I will face you still
There is no shame here
Unless you bring it
Were you always this quiet
Bait my breathe
I will swallow your words hook, line, sinker
It is food for my soul
Draw me to you
I am the soft lines on black paper
Nothing but shadows
Am I tangible to you
Or do we pass through each others ghosts
What was
Is no more
We are slipping
Traction is temporary
We were falling
Nothing is certain
Only the end

I am not mad
I am furious
I tried to be nice and patient
I thought maybe it would all work out in the end

But it didn't
I boiled over
I burned everyone around me
Like a hurricane I came ravaging the land

Just like you ravaged me
Why didn't it stop sooner
Before I erupted

Exploding creating small fires
All over the world
Just like the time before
And the time before that

A scar opened over and over again

Blue is the color of the happy sky
Black is the night as it slowly passes bye
Yellow are the smiles that push up from the ground
Brown are the memories that chase me like a hound
Purple are the sunsets filled with lies
Green are the beauty in your eyes
Pink is ignorance I proudly displayed
Gray is the face of the sky today
Orange is the footprints you leave in your wake
Red is the blood from my wrists you take

I will lift my eyes again to the sky
Hoping for a glimpse of the heavens
On that they would pour open
Washing the earth still toiling in sin
As these nightmares creep into my head
The visions of the night that will not be silenced
Oh these cold dark hands around my neck
They whisper in my ear the secrets of the dead
They know the secrets of the living and those lost in the inbetween
It is a voice of a stranger that begs familiarity
Oh that I was deaf, oh that I was blind
Silence has been my friend when comfort could not be found
Yet I am shackled to those who have gone be for
I will not go out until the tide is high
and the moon is full
I am lost within myself as each new star takes its place in the heavens

On occasion,
When feeling particularly human
I sit in the rain
Let the sky come on to me

Bare naked to me the discomforts of your soul
And I will teach you, intimacy

you painted on a straight line
like a blood red smile
and as short as it was
it felt like a mile

you filled in the lines
all over your skin
a reflection outside
of how it feels within

you drew all over
never missed a spot
and you never considered
that you could stop

you traced a map
all over you world
and screamed to your flesh
though you never were heard

you can still dance
with sleeves and scars
but it is harder
to reach the stars

you never thought
you could come home
in your picturesque future
you thoughts you'd be alone

you didn't see me
creeping in at the edges
of you vision
hanging on to ledges

every word you gave
every part of a smile
was part of a 'happy'
thought it took a while

and now we draw
with paper and pencil
not skin and blade
with our arms as a stencil

it's okay
you don't have to
it is always an option
but I got you

A poet never forgets
The way it felt to feel

They may never remember
The time, date or the place

But they will know the colors
Of the falling leaves

The sound of your breath
In the fall wind

The dreams they lost upon
The desolate shore

They will always know
They could never want more

A poet will always remember
How it felt

To be in the perfect
Complete moment

They will never forget
Who was holding their heart

They will never know
What was going on around

For they saw to clearly
What was happening inside

They will never be able to lose sight
Of how your eyes turned to liquid gold

When they kissed your lips
The words that filled their head

And how every moment is a
Reflection of their love

A poet can never lose
The moments in that light

A poet will never chose a different
Melody than the beating of your heart

It will always be enough for them
To see into your soul

They may never cross an ocean
But they will survive rough waters

They may never learn to fly
But they know the clouds in the sky

They can kindle a fire from words
That have been burning in their hearts

And they will always remember
That they will never forget your heart

So close to my heart
But just out of reach
A fingertips away
A wall I cant breach
This door that opens
Only from the inside
Open it now
Spread the gates wide

Bad dreams will come again
These are my oldest friends
Reoccurring nightmares
Ancient truths, older dares
Between floor and pillow
I'm running on wet concrete
Let me sleep