I want to be told stories I don't understand.
I remember when each book I read
or movie I watched
had some idea I didn't get,
and mystery was everywhere.
I was little
and knew nothing of the world around me.
So I made my own world: fresh
and bright, and heroic, and romantic.
I dreamt of kissing girls,
throwing punches,
suffering greatly,
and telling of how I survived.
Now I am big,
my dreams have melted into memories,
and I can't say I understand the world much better.
I've simply learned to ask intelligent questions
which have no answer.
I understand the books I read,
the movies I watch,
and mystery is dead.
At least I understand now
why I understand so little.
I've learned words like philosophy,
metaphysical,
quantum,
ineffable.
I've been taught to express my ignorance
with erudition and elegance.
I am a master of small questions
and can tell you the difference between
a lateral and ventromedial hypothalamus.
But should you ask me,
"Why is there something instead of nothing?"
I will falter,
but answer, knowing I am a blind mute trying to describe
the taste of cinnamon and the softness of sunset.
Ask "What is meaningful?"
And I will wince,
aware that death has meant nothing and everything.
So has love,
and poetry,
and romantic comedies.
My father is nothing more
than soggy ash at the bottom of a bay.
But he is in hundreds of sentences,
has starred in thousands of dreams,
and inspired a million emotions
since I shook his powdered remains
into froth and foam.
So who can tell me what matters in life
when one of the best talks I've had with my dad
was 6 years after he died,
performed for an empty chair
and hundreds of college students?
I am paying;
life, money, tears, love,
in order to better understand
just how stupid I am.
And I'm just fine with that,
because mystery is still alive,
somewhere out there in the nexus of my ignorance.
I'm just a pebble.
I've fallen into an ocean,
and I'm sinking deeper every day.
What I don't see
are the ripples I caused,
splashing somewhere far above me.
I just keep learning,
and reading, and watching.
I still have a lot of questions to come up with,
and the ocean floor is a long way away.
