Im not a good poet but I want to get this off my chest.
Maybe this is too much of a blog. If so, I am sorry.
Nobody has to read it!
I don't mean to misuse this service or to make anyone mad.
I am just not good at poetry
But I believe my words have a rhythm to them.

This is a long and boring post.
Making this post is part of my healing
Even if nobody reads it.

I met a psychopath, I don't use that term lightly
He had been in prison for ****** against his 7 year old daughter
A monster and what most people often call a baby ******.

What was wrong with me, that I did not bolt away like a wild horse?
What made me stay? Is it my Tao to be in their spell forever?
I mean the pedophiles that abused me now forty years ago?

How could I have blocked out his crime?
Where was my outrage for the victim?

He is in Seattle, I am in Minneapolis
But we played cards for 7 months
When he showed me his hand,
I suddenly realized who and what he was.
And I was struck with a sense of horror.

Psychopaths are always charming, at first.
They fool a lot of people. He fooled me.
And I can't get over it.

I broke free, galloped away, but had irreversible damage.
I could not eat or sleep. I was on edge.
I felt polluted, I felt ashamed, I felt gullible
It is why I have the diagnosis of PTSD
because my entire childhood was filled
To the rafters with abuse and this psychopath
Touched upon that in a major way.
They call it a "Trigger" in psychology.

I thought I had burned that house down
But my naïveté and poor boundaries led me
From the paradise of my home
To this psychopath's perverse thinking.
What a sick *******.
I can't even describe
how perverse it got towards the end
So I won't even bother.
Why dwell on a psychopaths sick mind?

I was very sick and in a crisis for ten days
When I broke it off with him.

My last email to him was that,
God is real and that he is going to Hell.
He excuses his behavior with
Bible verses.
That's not going to help him
On judgement day.
He also will suffer karma until
He learns his lesson.
Prison was not enough to teach him

Im starting to sit back and take in the lesson
I've decided that for my own safety
I need to get a lot more paranoid because
Baby rapists and evil people do exist
And I have no radar and no set of boundaries.
Because I was abused so much as a child.

I downloaded an App that lists all
The ****** predators near your home
There are a lot of them and some look like
Your average guy, like the pedophiles who abused me.
Nobody next store but in Osceola, 5 minutes away.

And what about Jared Fogel? Is everyone a pervert?
Why do adult ( mostly men ) need to sexualize children?

I am restricting my easy going temperament
He took what was left of my innocence.
My heart is healing and I have vowed
Not to let him or his sickness
To ruin my good temperament.
Nor my Peace of Mind.

Lastly, I realize that it was by the Grace of God
That I found a loving husband
A man who truly cares, truly loves
In a way I never felt as a child.

As an abuse survivor, the statistics
For me to find a suitable relationship
were slim.
But my mother always told me
To respect myself.

But here we are, 31 years together
Or what my science mind calls
60% of our lives. We are 53.

I don't know how I found "the one"
A broken heart is so visceral and
With so much angst that I feel fortunate
That I've been spared that experience.

We met in Martial Arts class
I had met him at age 19 and he asked me out
I took him up on that offer when we were 22
I worked for my black belt in Tae Kwon Do
He was working on his 2nd degree blackbelt
We trained together for many hours
We hung out.
Ha ha, our first date was to see
The Karate Kid! Also plenty of Bruce Lee!
My husband began martial arts because
Of Bruce Lee.
I started martial arts for self defense
Having been abused by so many men
Made me want to never happen again.

Nice trip down memory lane
Back to the psychopath.
I don't have children and
I am not around any children.

I went to the State Fair, and saw some girls
Only 7 years old, like the psychopath's daughter
When he started his predation on her.  
I felt physically ill that a child of that age
Would have to deal with a grown man
And her father, on too of that.
It is beyond imagination.
I was abused at age 11 and 7 seems
Awfully young. Poor girl.

I felt a sense of nausea when looking at these little girls
That I had befriended a ****** perpetrator
Entirely negating his victims experience.
What was I thinking?

I feel almost like I am guilty because I associated with him.
I feel horrible that I had any relationship
With such a dark and bleak soul.

God bless his daughter out there somewhere
She is now in her 20s
His children are in their 20s and I think
When he has grandchildren he might re offend
I need to stop this and have decided
To contact CPS, and write a letter of concern
Every six months until he has grandchildren

It's the very least I can do.
I've taken a personal interest and
I vow to protect his future grandchildren
From ******, a crime he is not sorry about
He has no remorse, he does not repent
And in that way he can reoffend

Let me go back to my life now
It is almost Fall
And the trees will be brilliant
Thank God, that I realize
I need to out much tighter boundaries
Around myself because being gullible
Is going to get me killed

Thankfully I am not being stalked
Thankfully my life is not in danger
Thankfully we live half a continent away

Let me hold my husband's hand
Let me remember what's important
Let me remember that Im safe
Let me recover from the emotions
Of horror and dread, that have kept me
From eating and sleeping.

Im a bit of a yogini
And I do yoga Nidra
I do meditation
I take refuge in Buddha
I have a faith in Christ
These things all help.

Let the heavens forgive me
For ever getting involved
With a psychopath and for not
Giving his daughter's abuse
A second thought.

This has altered my personality
I am now an activist for victims
Of childhood violence.

I will hear their voices in a way
That is healthy and safe.

Safe. A good place to be!

If you've made it to the end of
This post, I give you my sincere
Thanks and if you did not read my post
I also give you thanks.

~Arianna

-After not writing poetry for several months, ones' writing would tend to be emotional, but I seem to be approaching that in the next step. The notion that I would be pent up with emotion seems to have me surpassed. One would assume I'd cry and thrash but quite right in fact that I'm closer to feeling numb. And yes, I guess, a little dumb. When a husband beats his wife, no one in the world could possibly deny that abuse. Why, two black eyes is quite sufficient proof. But there's no shiners you can see from pain that's deep inside... Your psyche, your mind. You can't see therefore it's not hurt, not abuse and no one has been wronged. Love, care, sorriness and guilt are more than words, they're emotions, so why is it that when people claim they love, they take for granted, claim they care, they still act selfish, apologize, yet reoffend, and do it over and over again?

Why Reentry? some may ask
A waste of time, a too big task?

They committed a crime, let be what will be.
Lock them up and throw away the key?

It’s not that easy as you will see
Because they eventually get out and neighbor you and me.

The deck has been shuffled and we don’t always choose our card
Some of these inmates weren’t raised, they grew up, and life was extremely hard.

Some call it dumb choices, others youthful
indiscretion
Some were forced into these positions by the
culture of oppression.

Now, there’s no place for pity, but many of the
stories are untold
With firm and consistent direction, we can see new lives unfold.

Some have never had a checking account or paid a legitimate bill
These are basic everyday functions that each of us can help instill.

It’s the ones that want the assistance to get back on their feet
Those are the ones that we prepare to identify their needs and meet.

That’s what reentry is… preparing them for another chance
To try and make better choices, and in life have a better stance.

None of us are angels; some could’ve actually caught a case
One more dumb decision could have landed OUR butts right in their place.

Can you imagine life without a job, no way to pay a bill?
Can you imagine no money for medicine if you child or spouse was ill?

Unable to get a car to take you from place to place
Unable to pride fully look another man
directly in his face.

This “second prison” hinders them as a result of their crime
This second prison should not exist once they’ve done their time.

Their families and children need them, it’s hard enough out there
These fathers should be taking care of their family’s welfare.

Children raised without a dad are at high risk to offend and fail
By helping their fathers do better we help the children stay out of jail.

Care and custody is what we’re tasked to do
The examples that we all set is what they will look too.

We can’t do it all by ourselves, resources are what we need
Volunteers and community resources help US help them to succeed.

We have to make them better then when they first came in
For some it’s a fresh start for their improved life to begin.

With hundreds of thousands of  inmate releasing year by year
Reentry increases readiness thus reducing public fear.

So inmate is their title for now, but one day they will be out again
We can increase the likelihood that they do not reoffend.

Let’s rally behind reentry efforts, we have much to give
Let’s help secure our own safety and the way that we ALL live.

Captured in the psych ward 16


On the day of jeff paynter's psych review. Ron got up at 3 in the morning to try and figure out how he was going to do tips, he is always one to let the patient speak but all night he get texts explaining that he had violent outbursts which causes him to change his approach, no if he has anything to say that might help him be cured. Ron us in for that, but there is a lot of inappropriate language which can force the staff to postpone the review. So Ron searched the web especially YouTube and some great psychology websites and even read a bit of his old timer psychology papers and text books just to find some useful information, and Ron really wanted to help Jeff. Like he does for everyone and at 6 Ron had a shower and went to fran and dans and fran asked Ron how are you today and Ron said, I am doing great but I have this stupid psych test on a patient of mine and really this is looking weird, cause last night he had so many outbursts. I had to get up early to find out what the hell is wrong with him and Barry Allan said, well Ron
I think he has a lot of problems fitting into society and you need to make him understand that what he is doing is wrong, now, yeah it is hard for me to judge cause I hardly know him, but really you should try to get him to speak up about jest is really wrong with him and Ron said yeah mate yeah, jeff, yeah I know has something wrong him, but I am having a mighty hard time trying to point out what is wrong with him, like it could be schotzpgrenia or even bipolar or maybe multiple personalities but that is rare, all I can tell you guys that there is something wrong with him and after finishing his coffee and chinwag he went to the hospital and clocked in and as usual, the first thing he did was give out the morning medications to the HDU and then took their blood pressure and went in to talk to Bill to say that another member of staff will have to take you to TAFE today because I have to spend the day with Jeff, and bill said who will it be and Ron said well at the moment it looks like Tessa, but I will let you know when it happens and then Charlie came out to ask the nurses about leave to do a silent movie and jeff said. Why he **** should you get a job on a silent movie. You are so goofy and then Charlie do you know who I am and jeff said, no your not Charlie Chaplin, all you are is a insult to Charlie Chaplin fans and then jeff called him a big phoney and Charlie Chaplin threatened him with a I am going to bash you up, I am going to bash you up and suddenly Charlie and jeff were having a big punch up and Pete also became involved as well, Ron and a few nurses had to get into this fight and break it up and Ron took jeff away telling the nurse to make sure that bill gets to class at 10-30 and then took Jeff into his room and stayed there with him, to try and figure out jest is wrong and jeff said, you fucken doctors with your medical degrees don't know squat what I am dealing with and Ron said, ok I know I am getting paid for this. And to you I might look like I am helping you to pay the bills, but I am interested in what you have to say. And it stays in this room and Jeff then agreed to tell him the whole story of how a Catholic priest molested him as a child and that got him thinking that molesting kids was right. So then he went to shopping malls and chased every kid, making them very scared of me and then when I saw a kid waking with their parents showing their muscly white legs, I would go come here kid and if the kid came I would grab them and say I have you kidnapped you little rugrat, and then Ron asked, when you said I have you kidnapped, were you actually planning to actually kidnap this kid, or was that illness taking and jeff said, what the **** do you mean my illness, I ain't ill, I just take revenge on people who do harm to me Ron, it's called looking after yourself and Ron said yeah, but I am trylng to give a psych review cause there is something wrong with your brain, and with his hands in the air assuring that he just means he understands, you see to take our your anger on a poor innocent child
Is horrible just because it happened to you, now I know you are sick of the patients here like old blimie Charlie. But mate I can monitor you on medication and make you avoid jailtime and jeff said I don't know right, I don't know why I followed the kids around the mall, and I don't know why I grabbed one out in a public place, I just did it cause I did it and that is why I did it and Ron told Jeff, ok if you go to jail you could get bashed you see they bash people who do harm to kids in there, and if you do wrong things jeff, you have to realise that life stinks and it can be unfair but I am here to find out where are you going to go from here, you see if you stay here, we could get you leave to do courses at TAFE or rehabilitation courses so you don't reoffend, but you need to coopperate with me, I don't want to see you in jail for this. I am interested in letting you do a course, and yes we can help you get back on your feet, so how about I give you this paper and pen and you tell me what would you like to do and where you go from here, and tell us your future goals, be realistic though but don't be shy to say movie star, we can help you get through all this, but that will take time and Ron left Jeff in there and when it came to Jeff's psych review, well jeff was really organised, well he said yeah he believes in standing up for himself but doing it to a kid is wrong and he listed a whole lot of things but the main thing that Jeff wanted to do is learn a trade and he wanted an apprenticeship as a plumber, so Ron did some ringing around and found this plumber who is willing to have him, and he was professional and took him on two days a week, picking him up at the HDU and after having that organised Ron gave the nightly medication and then clocked off and went to the Chinese takeaway and sit in the park near the yarra river at 9-00 pm and Barry Allan came over with a longneck of beer and they spoke to each other and Ron said that he really has the knack for helping people find their feet as he told Barry everything about jeff except for his name, and
They were having great conversations as the yarra river continued to flow so peacefully in the back ground


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UMMMMMMMMMM TATTALINA,UMMMMMMMM YOU WERE SO YOUNG


UMMMMMMMMMM LET BUDDHA PUT YOU IN THE LIFE OF HAPPINESS

UMMMMMMMMM TATTALINA, YOU BE AT PEACE, BE AT PEACE

YOUR MY UNCLE RAY, UMMMMMMMM SEND THIS GIRL TO PEACE, RAY


UMMMMMMMMM  SEND THIS GIRL TO PEACE


MAKE THIS GIRL SO POWERFUL, YOU CAN WAKE UP THE DEAD

SEND HER BACK TO US,

LET BUDDHA SAVE YOU LITTLE TATTALINA, IT’S SAD THAT YOU ARE NO MORE


MY UNCLE RAY FELT SAFE TO COME TO YOU

YOU ARE SAFE, LITTLE TATALINA, YOU SEE, I SAW THE EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE

HE DIDN’T LOOK LIKE HE WAS VERY NICE

HE LOOKED LIKE HE WAS TEASING THE CHRISTIAN FAMILIES

BUT TATTLINA WILL BE MISSED, AS SHE WOKE UP THE DEAD

AND NOW SHE SINGS AMAZING GRACE ON SATURN


AMAZING GRACE, HOW SWEET THE SOUND

HOW I WANT TO BE AT PEACE

THIS MAN MADE ME LOST, BUT NOW I AM FOUND

WAS BLIND AND NOW I CAN SEE

AND WHEN TATTLINA SAID SHE WAS BLIND

IT WAS REVERENT UNCLE RAY SAYING, MAYBE I NEED TO PROCTECT THE EARTH BETTER

HEY BABY OOH YEAH, I WANT THE CRIMINAL WHO KILLED TATTALINA TO SERVE HIS SENTENCE

HEY BABY OOH YEAH OH YEAH

I WANNA KNOW THAT TATTALINA DIDN’TB DESERVE TO DIE

I KNOW IT’S HARD TO FORGIVE THE MAN WHO DID ALL THIS

BUT IF WE FIND IT IN OUR HEARTS TO FORGIVE HIM

HOPEFULLY HE WON’T REOFFEND

I KNOW HE’S CRAZY, BUT WE MUST NOT GET HASTY

IT JUST THAT TATTALINA WAS AS INNOCENT AS THE DAY IS LONG

THEN CRONUS, WHO IS ME SAID


UMMMMMMMMMMM SAVE MY UNCLE RAY’S NEXT EARTH BODY


UMMMMMMMMMMM SAVE MY UNCLE RAY’S NEXT EARTH BODY


UMMMMMMMMMMM SAVE MY UNCLE RAY’S NEXT EARTH BODY


UMMMMMMMMMMM SO THIS DOESN’T HAPPEN AGAIN

OH YEAH, BOW BOW,

Captured in the psych ward part 24


You see with all the work that Ron did about trying to find out more about this reading minds thing. Well, in St kilda, a group of teenagers walking through are threatened by this stalker who claims the only reason he did this is because he heard that the kids were saying kidnap us, of course that was in this man's mind but he grabbed the teenagers and as they were looking scared and yeah they were scared, as the evil ****** killer says you kids want to die, you see I have the power to read your mind. And it said kidnap us and **** us and that is what I intend to do and after the killing was made he was arrested and is currently at the watch house but Ron
Is trying to get the courts to bring him here, cause if he really can hear voices of those kids saying kidnap me kidnap me kidnap me, he has a mental condition and I think bill should move to the Indo ward but the police aren't that symphetic about that. As far as they are concerned he should be in with really bad people who wanted to **** him and Ron said, he says buddy yeah he says he hears their thoughts and reading minds is a ****** condition that should be taken care of, don't you think and the policeman says no mate he is saying that to get out of a hefty sentence and he needs to suffer cause kids mate are innocent and Ron said yeah mate yeah, but the HDO is still locked away from society it's just we monitor him on medication and the officer said haven't you got a teenager there and he said yeah I have but I can lock him in solitary
From the rest of the patients and we can monitor him, till he is on the right medication so he can't reoffend and the officer said ok, but if he causes too many problems there for you I will take him away but he is mental but too, I would think and while this was going on Charlie and patty and jim were walking around yelling at the nurses like shut up I want a better life in ways they say it and Ron gave the evening medication and then Ron waited there till the
Reading minds phedaphile came in and Ron had a work with him and he said, you see I hear voices in my head saying that these kids are asking me to take them and I grab them and then after that I tie them up and throw then in the hopper and Ron said what is your name and he said I am Gordon Plunnet and I am still thinking it's cool to read minds and Ron said yeah well not like that and Ron clocked off and went to red rooster and took it home and fell asleep on the couch watching TV


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Captured in the psych ward part 24


You see with all the work that Ron did about trying to find out more about this reading minds thing. Well, in St kilda, a group of teenagers walking through are threatened by this stalker who claims the only reason he did this is because he heard that the kids were saying kidnap us, of course that was in this man's mind but he grabbed the teenagers and as they were looking scared and yeah they were scared, as the evil ****** killer says you kids want to die, you see I have the power to read your mind. And it said kidnap us and **** us and that is what I intend to do and after the killing was made he was arrested and is currently at the watch house but Ron
Is trying to get the courts to bring him here, cause if he really can hear voices of those kids saying kidnap me kidnap me kidnap me, he has a mental condition and I think bill should move to the Indo ward but the police aren't that symphetic about that. As far as they are concerned he should be in with really bad people who wanted to **** him and Ron said, he says buddy yeah he says he hears their thoughts and reading minds is a ****** condition that should be taken care of, don't you think and the policeman says no mate he is saying that to get out of a hefty sentence and he needs to suffer cause kids mate are innocent and Ron said yeah mate yeah, but the HDO is still locked away from society it's just we monitor him on medication and the officer said haven't you got a teenager there and he said yeah I have but I can lock him in solitary
From the rest of the patients and we can monitor him, till he is on the right medication so he can't reoffend and the officer said ok, but if he causes too many problems there for you I will take him away but he is mental but too, I would think and while this was going on Charlie and patty and jim were walking around yelling at the nurses like shut up I want a better life in ways they say it and Ron gave the evening medication and then Ron waited there till the
Reading minds phedaphile came in and Ron had a work with him and he said, you see I hear voices in my head saying that these kids are asking me to take them and I grab them and then after that I tie them up and throw then in the hopper and Ron said what is your name and he said I am Gordon Plunnet and I am still thinking it's cool to read minds and Ron said yeah well not like that and Ron clocked off and went to red rooster and took it home and fell asleep on the couch watching TV


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Imbued by the fountain of elixir
where beauty beacons and lease
giving life and half full joy
old schools, some new fews
bring all the passing tales
Lest we forget the life we tell
Lest we regret the love that fell

Infused in the condensed vapours
eased into the trodden thoughts
never to reoffend the lessons
and their glowing seasons
those that burn right deep inside
Lest we forget the life we tell
Lest we regret the love that fell

Men of all sorts leave truths aside
beside the chances they promise
takes and tales of hidden tastes
Pastes of fading secrets secreted
In croons and hooks of all dares
Lest we forget the life we tell
Lest we regret the love that fell

Never can the time grow old
neither the beating heart faint
nor the raving rain can hide
in a ride so serene and restorative
in a thousand known records
Lest we forget the life we tell
Lest we regret the love that fell

blunt force cardiac trauma.
reoffend.
revisit.
relapse.
falling in love only lasts until
i can never see you again.