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Joe Jun 2015
Habit defeats,
ripping wounds appear in my mind
in the form of ash;
Tucked between my lips.
They swim around me.
It's not what I wanted, it's not the way it was supposed to be.
A life barely lived.
"They all quit you," the voice says.
Tradition over the mind.
One long hit;
a raw, beautiful pain in my throat.
Winners never quit,
or another of thousand cliches.
The zippo ignites.
...don't worry, it won't hurt...
ahhh nicotine
Niemand weiss wie Andere brauchen,
doch ich weiss ich will etwa rauchen.
To translate is futile, it ***** up rhyme and idiom,
and moreover it's done in a vein of humour;
so, I shall do it for you:

I need smoke

No one knows how others need,
but I know I want some to smoke.
Die Welt
Die Welt fällt um uns herum
Und Splitter
Splitter reißt durch die Luft
Und wir stehen
Denn es gibt kein Versteck
Aber die Liebe
Die Liebe wird uns dort beschützen

Und wir küssen uns
Als ob nichts passiert wäre
Und die Bomben
Fallen Sie weit zur Seite
Und die Kugeln
*******nicht so erschreckend
Und nichts so Auffälliges
Wie die Verlangsamung der Zeit

Und die Nacht
Die Nacht bricht um uns herum ein
Wegbrechen
Bis zum Morgengrauen kommt Licht
Wie der Rauch
Der Rauch setzt sich um uns herum ab
Wir stehen immer noch
Zur Niederlage beider Seiten

Dann sind wir helden
Nur diesen Tag

Und wir sind dann Helden
Nur für diesen Tag
This is the original way it was written.
Mateuš Conrad Oct 2021
for a culture that espouses... i think that's the proper
word: espouses... ridiculously promotes...
Darwinism: i see a terrible "juggling" act happening....
namely: you can't seem to somehow
consolidate with the western "crusade" for
individualism and all the basic Darwinism observations...
i never thought Darwinism was wrong...
sure... it's as right as the heliocentric model...
but if you want to read a map...
a massive orb that's earth pulverising your:
get from A to B...
the earth isn't "flat": i know that...
but to get from A to B... to get around
geographic algebra...
it's like cycling... i'm an aggressive cyclist...
whatever roundabouts are still alive
in that they do not employ traffic lights...
i'm there...
i usually work my way around
a truck on the antonym side of the blind spot...
the outer side of a lane...
and then... we're... go!
                    i love the thrill of wriggling around
traffic with the most minimum amount
of exoskeleton...
it's a thrill to be surrounded by objects
that i know might **** me...
i tried ***... *** isn't even close to this experience...
it's hardly... me imitating...
but... hearing how many cyclists were killed
in London for missing the blind-spot...
getting dragged under the wheels...
plus i just... simply adore the rules!
the authority... the trust that's funnelled
into the concept of traffic...
no where on earth have i found so much:
DASEIN... truly... you need to cycle in heavy
traffic to find your reading of Heidegger!
you can't walk this **** out...
there is so much reciprocation...
so much trust, concern is invoked...
like i said: it's better than ***...
*** doesn't inject you with adrenaline in a way
that *** might:
i guess *** can inject adrenaline...
it's still not the zenith...
when the plethora of emotions associated
with doubt is about as much as that plethora
associated... synonymous with love...
then fear... thrill... almost indistinguishable...
esp. at a roundabout...
how i came to love the white van man...
fearless speed custodian...
i once wrote about this...
unconscious algebra of spatial coordination....
that's how Descartes' res cogitans became
res vanus... the empty thing...
me on my bicycle...
thinking disappears when you have a chance
to generate your own momentum...
it's not enough of a bike... in a car...
better than walking...
it has to be...
there's a bbq happening two doors down...
plenty of Sikhs...
such a shame...
not the party... or that they're Sikhs...
i just listen in... a wall of sound...
even if i tried knowing this many people...
i threw a party once...
ended up ******* a black ******* a leather couch...
blah blah...
so many voices... one door down... Bella...
is sitting on the roof looking at me...
an albino roofer (mongrel cat... dachowiec in
******)
endowed with heterochromia...
there are the spiders... the snails...
an urn of delights of the night...
Asians... well as neighbours go...
you leave a cat with them... the cat might
magically end up... miraculously dying from kidney
failure while you're away...
if the Welsh are joked about as being sheep-shaggers...
don't get me started on the camel-jockeys
who... have beef with pork...
the real sheep-shaggers...

stinking lamb...
ah... that was the distinction...
włókno... wełna... bawełna...
fibre... wool... i was honestly expecting
for bawełna to come out
as: cotton... it's just a synonym of
fibre...

oh look... a googlewhack...
Konofale Uros...
i think i was looking for the spelling of falafel...
i think... i never know these days...
this party two doors down
is somewhat irritating me... not
that i can fit the acronym hierolgyph
of: f.o.m.o.
  i hate parties... i hated parties...
the parties i have thrown were....
parallels...
as one i got to **** a girl...
at another i was cleaning up my high school friends
*****...
the party is slowing down...
obviously... i'm guessing the host took a friend
or two to the back of the garden
to peer two doors down...
since i'm seeing a bald Asian looking
back at me... perched in a pseudo...
akimbo on the windowsill...

what's up?! company lost the thrill?
everyone's turned into rabble...
when drinking too much?
i drink too much...
you know: ahem... "you" what's weird about
being watched?!
it's true... you only really are...
when you are being watched...
it doesn't matter if you think...
thinking per se is not enough
to leave proofs.. traces of your existence...
you need something simple...
perfectly equivalent to what Sartre aimed at:
to be subject...

of the two movies i watched today...
**** me... i watched two movies today...
what's wrong with me?

my new york year... which has an alias:
my Salinger year...
the antithesis of a rom-com...
and a competitor of
the Devil wears Prada...
**** me... how well has... Sigourney Weaver aged!
look at her...
she does the boss role so much better
than... what's her name...
i thought she was proper hot... pancake ****
in Ghostbusters... but look at her now...
mein gott!
it almost feels like...
i want to be married!

oh for heaven's sake... this movie eats out
the devil wears prada... out from the crab bucket...
little girl in a big town sort of mentality...
i could type quicker...
give me 2 hours and i'll spew 2K words of originality...

it really was... the most pristine movie!
it was an... easy movie...
easy as in: i was watching a movie...
i wasn't watching... a *******... Leni Riefenstahl
flick! do "you" even know... how refreshing
that is?
i'm not watching a makeshift Leni Riefenstahl flick!
there... i said it!

here's for a worldly perspective...
the women at the part have receded into shadow...
remnants are still vociferous...
the maxim stands... either *******: as i tell you...
or... *******... as i punch you...
i party solo...

two... very random smoke rings appear...
as they rise..
i poke a finger into each one
like i might poke into the mouth
of my maine **** ginger that's yawning...
the Asian party is over...
the rabble is left:
the people with not intelligence
to deteriorate into a drinking ****:
not enough sausage fests under your belt:
i gather? ha ha...
too many arranged marriages...
welcome to the north!
the eternal night... it does wonders to people
most associated with equatorial dynamics...

i'm sorry... you're coming... you're leaving...
you're taking these Hyperborean women somewhere
beside her usual... fetish fest
of: more than...    the 6"?
i open the window..
i let the air creep in... elevate the staleness...
concerning these women...
is there a central authority figure to...
"guide" them?!

      i do, not, own, them... savvy?
i'm jealous of king David more than i could ever be of
king Solomon...
the man that conquered Goliath...
matched up to Achilles with Hector...
but also wrote... Psalms!
come on! come on!
i know it must tickle the agony of man
to have to have to: worry other men with envy!
men want other men to become envious of their
stature...
problem being... i can simply negate that:
arrival at "purpose"...
believe me... i can...
give me enough... patience...
self-scrutiny... "introspection"...
i can make anything i want:
implode...

oh i'm just looking for a nibble... a scribble...
i want a seed of purposiveness...
an element of potential...
i'm not looking for a gathering...
i want a... whisssssssssssper...
i guessed...
an extension of the S...
in no more / no less...
the missing trill in the English R...
is it?

i write... the boy play... party....
the girls giggle...
hold a mirror to a mirror... in the dark...
then compare glass...
to water... a puddle... a lake:
you will not... even if Xerxes says:
tame either river... or sea!
with whips or with madness!

hold a mirror to a mirror... in the dark...
compare the reflection of that of glass
with what you arrive at...
in the stillness of a lake... or a puddle...

have you ever... held a mirror... toward a mirror...
and...breathed a stroke of.....
smoke into it.... without hoping to conjure up...
fire?!

rauch und spiegel
aber
           non feuer!
hölle braucht; ich brauchen zu... vergessen...
there are female voices among them...

me and my fetish for all things: deutsche.
Souleater Apr 2021
Unverhofft der Tod getarnt als Dieb.
Kassiert ein unschuldiges Leben ein,
musste die Beerdigung noch schlimmer sein?
Sie sagten:"sei einfach lieb"

Zwingt mich dazu selbstverrat zu begehen,
könnt nicht mal zu euren eigenen Fehlern stehen
Mein Schweigen war euch den Verrat Wert
meine Gefühle nicht, weil es euch nicht schert

Seht nicht meine Wut
Seht nicht die verzweifelte Glut
Seht nicht was ihr mir damit antut
Konsequenzen unter'n Teppich kehren
wollt um jeden Preis euer Ziel gewähren
meine einzige Option, ist den Kontakt zu verwehren

Bin nicht wie gewünscht die adrette
spiel gewiss nicht weiter eure Marionette
Will frei sein, hab meinen eigenen Kopf
doch ihr zieht ihn nur zurück am Schopf

Merkt nicht einmal den emotinalen Machtmissbrauch
versuche meine Gedanken zu ordnen im weißen Rauch
Verachte euer Schweigen und die Familienhierarchie
weiß bei euch nicht mehr weiter, weiß nicht wie

Würde gerne weiterhin ein Teil in eurem Leben sein
doch weil ich nicht schweige, passe ich nicht ins Familienbild rein
schiebt mich mit euren Taten aus eurem Leben
die Stimme in mir laut schreit, wird dauern zu vergeben
In Gedenken an Marcel und dein Statement das mir heute die Kraft dazu gibt
Mateuš Conrad Aug 2021
****! there's no milk in the house.. never mind... the house has already stressed a want to deviate from the standard English cup-ah... it's not exactly unique... the English way of contaminating black tea with a squirt of cow *****... sorry... juice... there are plenty of stories surrounding this practice in Siberia... among... lactating women... if Siberia is on show... then the whole of Russia too... if i were ever to visit the United States... Tokyo conquers my imagination over New York... there's the Belgium of L.A.... i'm simply not that interested... oh the natural north American continent i'm very much interested in... but not so much with what has layered itself over it... i'd still rather see the Kamchatka peninsula... the volcano "avenue"... ****! there's no milk in the house... the household decided to switch to a green tea: a yerba māté (or... m'ah t'eh)... lime infusion for some... IM-BIR (ginger) infusion for others... no milk in the house... which implies that i'll have to buy a pint of milk on the sly... and glug it down... in between finishing off an ice-cream on a stick... raspberry: rhapsody ber-e! or bear: é (yes... no exclamation mark).. milk the hooves of my trot... the Sri Lankan rubber of my 23cm tires pumped up to 80+ Pascal(s)          (?)... if it's not a 35cl of whiskey is must be a pint of milk... goat milk is overrated... by all clinical standards of wholesale... it's nothing short of what's cow: long-life... excessive pasteurißed milksch... ah: some relief in german when scribbling in  Ęgliš - phonetically: with a "trick" of hiding the N: lost an IN(?) inquisitive tone: tier above... the monotone of narrative... oh... hiding one arm of the tetragrammaton is easy... sharp quest: q: ooh... oh! i seem to have forgotten what i wanted to scribble in the elder-tongue... maybe it might come back to me... after all... there's an undercurrent of: congregation but: the aliases are awry... we do not share the same etymological roots... der körper schlafen: solange der schatten: getanzt! jetzt! jetzt ich merken: von die
unmittelbarkeit of thought with short-term memory! this one time... the devil didn't come with either fire or with the perfumery stressing sulphur... at best he was gagging to add a zest of: zitrone-limette-orange... perhaps... just perhaps... der teufel vergessen (to forget is also a memory) zu bringen das feuer... aber! er tat bringen RAUCH und (the definite plural article for) SPIEGEL! i learned my lesson... upon each visit to Ypres.. seeing the graves of supposed ethnic brothers... the anglo-parade of "individualism"... and how the Detusche were... burried: en masse... no robin: now sparrow... designated their song over the seemingly marble stones of the named... but when it came to how the Germans were... folded... brick-on-brick... a haunting reminder... the sparrow / robin always deemed it necessary to... haunt a tree with a song... for the tree to escape the polyphony of the wind... we're talking a ****** riddling... empathy with the neighbours of Europe... push from Asia that wasn't the HOO'NS... the English had a Spanish torrent: back in the day... odd... how easily the English has capitulated having invited their former colonies to the sandpit... their native women have been barren: without a sense of agency...  they still capitulate... like... there's no like quiet like it... the Spanish armada failed like the Mongolian fleet failed when the invasion of Japan was being scrutinised... why wouldn't i somehow: pity the German soldiers of world war I... entombed in mass graves... sure as **** & the constipation that comes prior... i figured it out... just today... when men... single... and send their ******* dysfunctions: clean-cut-and-perfect... they take the shot of themselves... AFTER... they have *******... obviously it looks larger... with all the blood drained from the abilities of the scribbling hand.. they take the vanity shot after they have *******... nothing worth of note: prior...

(the devil forgot to bring the fire... but... he did bring smoke und mirrors!) i mentioned this somewhere... in: alt... etwas güt! (not... gat: not gut... my gut? good... softer... german-esque) Englisch ist ein späterzunge: it made sense... when there was an Empire.. but... now? ******* rhubarb... Rue-Barb... graffiti or no graffiti? that technical observation... no articles... included... when adjectives are being "stressed"? perhaps only in german... in all the german tongues: this over-stressing of the pronouns... of definite... indefinite articles... in the ****** tongue the pronoun I... makes are rare curtain drop... Freud was right about the vanities of men... Copernicus... Darwin... but he faltered... citing himself... some languages have pronoun exclusion parameters... you can't change a grammar... while nouns are asexual i English they are "sexed" up in other languages... but you'll find it rare: to spot the ****** use the pronoun: JA... i... ich... isch... whether speaking or writibg... in terms of language... England? *******... wenigsachsen! truly... *******... like i was addressed: silly ****... verpiss dich: wenigsachsen!


i had a "friend" once: a fwend... more like someone
i shared an occasional drink with:
then again... i did most of the drinking
while he staged most of the awkwardness when
i'd: from time to time... turn into a silent boor...
anyway... i was lazy and he was fat...
or i was fat and he was lazy...
                     by one stroke of the blue moon he
thought it was wise to lose some weight
by going to the gym...
never a good idea to shed off a dozen or two or
three pounds by going to the gym...
by all means: turn to the bicycle...
turn to swimming... turn to push-ups...
stomach crunches? eh... like Socrates remarked:
i like my stomach lamb-tender...
makes it easier to continue sparring the ol'
liver with a southpaw cider before noon...
but it was never a good idea to hit the gym, bro...
to shed some weight...
now... well... he's definitely slimmer...
a no-fat content milkshake sort of a shadow
that he now casts...
but... eh... gym bro... you won't find my lifting
weights... cardiovascular exercises since:
it's the closest you get to imitating ***...
plus... when you're the wolf with the three little
piglets on a red light at a traffic junction:
all hot & bothered: heaving and hyping up
the loss of breath...
ping... go the ******* of some traffic collision
of a woman... bad bragging rights...
hell: if no one's going to use me up
for some luvyy-dubby-teddy-bear-*******
i might as well: self-deprecate myself...
- you won't find me lifting weights because
this "friend": fwend of mine has exchanged
a weight problem for a... skin problem...
nothing dermatological you see...
it's the excess of it...
   if he only listened to me and shed the weight
via the cardiovascular "method"
his torso wouldn't be looking like a interspecies
mutation of how a dried prune turned into
a phallus and magically ****** an elephant's
******...
just saying... swim... press-up... cycle...
by all means...                 hell: even explore the mind
while taking to a marathon length walk...

p.s. for anyone who's a W. H. Auden admirer...
perhaps i was too... perhaps i still sort of...
well... it's not terrible important...
but you know how homosexuals can be
these scalding / scolding ******* behind each
other's backs... or at least that's the impression
i get having revisited a passage from
Harold Norse's autobiography...
i reread it to remind myself that...
                      i might leave traces of conversational
overtones... i might not rhyme:
or bother much with: tech-niq(ue) -
although: in (brackets) - surds...
                          you write them to differentiate
what would probably some out
to tek-nick: although the -nick would extend
into meek with an N -
but it's worthwhile to remember that...

i had another "friend": fwend... he complained
that i wrote in word salads...
last time i checked: he wasn't fond of a slice of cucumber:
either...
so much for friends: "fwends"...
i'm itching at 35 years old
and i'm itching for...
beside the prostitutes that give me
the most pristine smooches...
purpose... yes... that grand: "thing":
i simply don't have a noun for what's
already readily available...

chin low: forehead: high!
(kinn niedrig:
stirn hoch!)

                rotkehlchen und / oder spaatz
auf mein fahne!

i forgot to have friends...
i have my shadow to keep me company...
ich haven mein shatten zu
halten mein... kompaine...
    i die: Adolfo: KLAR
es ist nicht: Portugiesisch:
no leash? nein: leine: or geese..

                a cat might as-alles-goot...
fall asleep...
in an around a bookshelf of
unread Rousseau...
     **** the ego... **** the most ineffective crux...
the lost pagan: the hyper-inflated
intellectual Hebrew...

came the res cogitans... so too must have come
the res venus...
i find the lack of fear of deity suspicious
surrounding the Muslim bravado...
lasts for about one...
oink-oink-...
prickling at the mythological blonde:
by the time we're through:
there might be the rarity of the ginger
Pakistani...
or the bleached beauty of Afghanistan...
the mythological blonde escapade...

thank god i''m not reproducing...
now allowance of daughter by my side...
side to sire... what?
licking out some... sorry... you're not playing
jazz: some ******* ***-hole?!
i'm glad to not be in the race
of rats...
i'm bowing out: no one said it wouldn't
be painful... it will be...

i rather die the death of a wolf
with his teeth being pulled out...
than die the death of...
estranged relatives...
social cohesion race mingling *******...
it was so nice... so nice...
when black people ****** black people
before the blakc boy discovered the white
girl...
to hell with her... as Genghis Khan
sufficed to surmount...
if it didn't happen on the shore of the Danube...
then... it didn't happen: at all..

no... i'm just tired of how the English see
***... in Belgium you could buy a *****-mag
like you'd be watching a girl put on a full show
of cow-******* and a sack: without
the hurt feelings of a niqab:

well... i get the Muslims... somehow...
they're just about ripe in being synonymous
with... French footballers...
that's what happens when you don't
fear your deity:
you become... sort of... shrapnel...
tooth-itches:
not: teeth-itching... hell...
not (a) tooth-itch...
pseudo-grammatical post- Reconquista of Spain...
the ****-
-stanis still think of themselves as:
because of the Ummah: we... the Berbers of North:
Af- Af-... ath... aph... who knows?

the Muslims are... oblivious to having
a fear of their deity...
it's not like... i sacrifice my *******...
to ******* freely...
because... i don't exactly require:
a woman on a leash... a niqab might work...
but...
Muslims are yet to evolve to fear their deity...
after the fear comes
the secular apathy...
like the one staged by the Hebrews during
the holocaust...
a god: what god?
capitulating English folk...
because Birmingham sings aloud: loot!
hey presto... it feels like:
there's looting to behold...
between you an me...
i don't mind the future or:
copper-necks
and Brazilian mulattos...

100 years from now...
the details of a Hapsburg dynasty will be worth...
the face of F.D.R. on a dime...
equivalent or: there: about...

as is due: i must: applaud the victor:
i'll die towing the remains of the day:
a sunset come the tide toward
the Faroe Isles...
where i'll breath my last into
fathoming the wind...

dodo project: last introspection...
by no god or genes...
let these people have what they utmost
deserve...
the humidity is getting to me...

i'll just... sort of die... admiring the corpus
of either the Janissaries
or the Mamluks....

to heave as much as a woman;
to enter the confines of a storm:
i 'd sooner fathom
the depth of the angered sea...
than... quest...
for the benevolence of a woman...
i've teased the depths...
i've angered the tides...
i've become:
the anchoring of the shore!

tomorrow the world ends...
thank god i'm no safe-keeping of either
Shakespeare or the Quran...
why?
toward my own privacy...
i'm sure at least one *******...
will want be revived:
just one... that might want to keep me alive..
just one? timid bunch?

have it your way: camel-jockey...
have it your way,,,
like any new-found-riches of an Arab
undermining a Bangladeshi..
**** the Arabs...
leave 'em in their...
whatever an Arab "thinks":
most probably something less than a Pakistani thinks of...
ahem: 'em...

**** the H'arabs!
best begin a reworking of: no oil involved...
with the ****'ites...
Persian pirate... to hell with the poodle
masters of the parasitical Sunnis.
Delton Peele Dec 2020
I live ..........
I guess?.....or
I suppose I do.
am I
Guessing?
I mean
Sure
...Eye see....
I do
I replicate
I receive
information via
An intricate network of stimulus
Simultaneously
Digest ,
Appropriate an emotional  state and reciprocate
.............
Governed by Diarchy
I have two faces
One you physically see
One I feel
Moi.........
Persona.......
Although I
Coalesce.
I have breath
I think therefore I am.

I exist.....................


Perplexed.......


Existing

Cognizant


Yet ...........
.....
In dichotomy if neither of the two rulers be Machiavellian then

I believe
there can only be ....more than.........me



I wonder .....
because of subjective experiences I
Am same team but different?
I ponder ..
This sets me free .........
I sonder ........
This sets me apart.

I perceive
I  and see my
Lucidity needs ripening......
I dont have much time left.
While i still have breath....
I want to feel
And taste life
And let it not be because of me
MARAH
Let the compassion in me
Recompense
And reflect The Three
RA'UCH
NEPHESH
NESHAMAH
PLEASE GOD LET ME BREATHE
Allow me to feel AGAPE.........and let that be
What I inhale
And exhale



Blessed by Rauch Yes
Todah
Always shall I be
SEMPER GRATUS
I shall say
TODA RABA respect fully
Everything in every way ......
Appreciate .....every breath
Every day.

— The End —