Placing the bandaid
on top of the next.
Placating my irrational thoughts,
but all so fleeting.

I'm happy. Then...
the wounds peak through,
I know these outside influences
whether drugs or relationships won't hold up
in the ultimate goal -
the real happiness quantifier.

That happiness
Beautiful soulful careless laughter
Give me that happiness.
Sing and dance,
but not at the expense of my lungs and kidneys.

Talk about something you know
For you.
Intrinsically fascinating,
Not fabricating lies based on ideas
for Others to like you.

Stop pleasing others for their expense.
Please yourself through ridding
Yourself of dense
Self pitying thoughts and
Push-over tendencies
Rejection fearing
and Stop baring these heavy suicidal thoughts.

Learn
To appreciate your worth,
You have a gift of
Kindness, intelligence, mindfulness.
I love myself
Or at least I'm learning to
and the healthy way.
By myself.
And I won't ask your opinion, is that okay?
Yeah I'm still learning.

Won the lottery today.
The big one.
The big big one.
Yes sir' the big one.

Gonna' put a little away.
Gonna' spend a little too.
They say some've gone crazy
With all that money to spend.
Wasted it all.
Spent too much.
Loaned too much.
Killed themselves.

Not me.
No sir'e not me.
Not me.

Whatever the streets whistle
I try to say it back
Say it back
You know, so the streets n' the road ain't lonely

Cause money can't talk, you see?
Can't tell me nothing because
Money can't talk, can't speak, can't talk, you know?

An' since the money can't say nothing
Cause you know money can't talk
Cause people n' nature and things are actually things that
Produce, function, you know actually do things, you know?
Money ain't nothing but green paper
With faces of dead men and dead scriptures
That only make measly kindling that smells funny
When you put flame to it,
But since money can't say nothing to me
I don't listen to it, hell, can't even listen to it
For it's got nothing to say n' nothing to do
But trying to control me

Ain't nothing controlling me
Cept' the bottle n'
The woman n' love

Woman n' love one n' the same

Lost track of what I was saying
Lost track of what I was telling you
My apologies
All sorrows are tinted with golden fringe
And the ten commandments of our lord God
Ok and farewell

I won the lottery you see
156 million smack-a-roos
For me, that's a lotta' silence
You'd understand what I meant
From the conversation we were
Having earlier
If you weren't listening, I understand
I ramble
Always have

Won these 156 million n' my first thought was:
Im gonna' give a million to each girl I was
Seriously with
Seriously heels over head with
Love I'm saying
And not just a million to each girl
Because that wouldn't be fair to the amount of time
Time is the most important construct of any relationship
It's a building block of both commitment and scorn
Of love and disdain

Time is a contradiction in any relationship
It is both a definer and a destroyer
A solidifier and a quantifier
A terrorizer and mortifier

A distant page on a snow slicked hillside
void of letter
A fragrant rose
on its last petal
A still cocked ocean erupting
with crooked horizons

The last line
When its the first line
Is the first line
And the last

So, 100 thousand
To every month
I was with a girl I really loved
Only got four or five
They know who they are
And they know who I was
When I was with'em
Even if I didn't
Or they don't

Don't see it as payment
For being with me
Or dealing with me
Or some kind of reparations
I guess
It's something like,
I wish I coulda' done
Or I wish I coulda' been
I guess
It's like I hope you use this
With someone who loves you now
That needs you now
To make life easier
To make life better
To make life
What you deserve it to be

N' that I love you
For everything that you
Were to me
And are to me
And will continue to be.

Today, yesterday, and

Always.

gender, gender, dysphoria? you sure it's not simply
*****-envy?
      big feet, big hands story,
   piece of ****?
    dunno, sparrow cute, ease to fit in your mouth,
although large enough to give
a ******* an ******?
what's that?
    i know of beard envy, but after my late 20s
i stopped,
        why do i keep it? just got bored of shaving,
i'm being told that i need a gardener to sheer
off excesses of *****-texture ****** hair...
i just can't believe they limit the orthodoxy on
the matter...
dysphoria resembles a dissatisfaction with life
in general, it doesn't exactly resemble
the inclusiveness of the "debate" being fathomable
in a gender-orientated universe.

+1 / A-plus for the intro,
which is completely unfathomable to me...
what about dys-phrenia? the noun
doesn't exist, but it doesn't matter whether
i flip the coin or whether i take the "gamble"
seriously...
        
you know that bell's whiskey is on sale,
16 quid's worth of a litre?
    **** fine, i'm going to have luck the next
few nights...

  what was i thinking of the past 30 minutes?
ah... the ******* son of ח‎ (chet) -
revised / "improved" from hebrew,
into greek, namely into π (pi) -
      a transformation that occurred
exchanging the third-party source
of the vowel, i.e. hebrew *tzeré,
that became the "greek" chirek / omicron,
given the absurdity of the homosexuality
of letters in hebrew being evident,
while the four remaining vowels remaining
in a "niqab"... what?
   א‎ (alef) & his homosexual lover,
the ע‎ (ayin) -
     **** as hell, bruno's nodding on that point...
might as well hide the consonants
to explore the vowels...
  heavy breathing during ***,
and the "onomatopoeia" during ******...
only in hebraic do two vowels,
that are both A, exist as worthy of a consonant
status... no wonder:
look at the summary in symbol...
  ∀ and A... move the middle part a bit down
and expand it to resemble a Δ (delta)...
what do you get? the star of david...
the universal quantifier (∀), or ע (ayin)
coupled with the particular qualifier of (A) or א (alef)...
to me, the jews provided humanity
with the perfect symmetry...
      can't help but being a judeo-philiac...
then comes the latter investigation...
a meeting of the east & the east, in the west,
namely jewish chiromancy, and japanese sūdokú...

   shin-heh-yod-heh-vav
      ש‎     ה‎      י‎      ה‎     ו‎

the puzzle ends with a variant of a chiromancy,
namely?
  
    this is how a puzzle finishes, with a desire
to invoke the pentagram, i.e.:

9 6 5 2 8 7 4 3 1
4 2 1 3 5 9 7 6 8
7 8 3 1 4 6 5 2 9
3 7 2 6 1 5 8 9 4
6 9 4 7 3 8 1 5 2
5 1 8 4 9 2 6 7 3
1 4 9 ? ? 3 2 8 ?
2 3 6 ? ? 1 9 4 ?
8 5 7 9 2 4 3 1 6

and the question marks?
hence the chiromancy...

thumb: 9
                \
                  9 - 8 - י‎ (yod)

index: 1
              \
                1 (ה = 5 - heh)

middle: 2
                 \
                   2 (ו‎ = 7 - vav) - 6 - ש

ring: 4
           \
             4 (ש = 6 - shin)

pinky: 3
               \
                  3 (י = 8).

    6 + 5 + 8 + 5 + 7 = 31...

        what's beside the point...
            i simply believe in the revision
of gematria... in order that the jews might
move away from the genesis
of this grammatoclasm:
akin to copyright laws regarding words
such as pepsi, or coca-cola...
        
i believe in meditation projects,
  but i don't think this can be achieved
through linear arithmetic "manipulation"
of words...
  i give you the arithmetic of the numbers
4, 5, 6... with respect to the letters to meditate on...
and only, only, on the japanese canvas of
a sūdokú.

haven't we reached the pinnacle
of en masse allowance
for a collective allowance
for introspection,
       introspection:
that's nothing to do with
the reflective aspect
of the same allowance granted
for the reflexive aspect
of "thinking"...
      came the day when thinking
became detached from doubt,
and aligned itself with a belief,
secular, scientific belief...
raving lunatics,
why else explain the plethora
of terms,
psychiatric: boost with
the pharma additions,
   and the pop psychology...
       random terms...
  disorder this, disorder that,
when did philosophers
ever prescribe:
cages,               words that cage
people, and broccoli stalks...
into: ugh... can't be done?
  now i speak a language i'm
uncertain of,
it's constantly suspect...
the heroic past, the stupid past...
the current scientific obsession
with i.q.: as if, it leads anywhere...
what's high i.q. for me?
plumber...
      someone who isn't
exactly driven by etiquette,
that ******* ask of aesthetic by
the ruling classes...
but at least someone,
who manages to perfect their
craft,
   to the point where
he's critique free.
                            **** me,
the jews were all over this...
why translate the pyramid
into metaphysics...
       i'd sooner want to live
in the shadow of a mountain,
than a fake mountain
in a desert...
                      i.q. i.q. i.q.,
                  inverted quantifier...
          imploded qua,
          i can go on and on and on
with ******* up this acronym..
   ("discriminatory") inclusive qualifier...
it's the sort of intelligence
measure,
that... doesn't exactly solve anything...
blocked toilet...
   i see i.q. scores...
         and two left hands...
      basically can expand
on 2 + 2 = 4,
  but is really ****** at unblocking
a toilet...
       god forbid if they can't
cook a decent cottage pie...
            how many bay leaves?
two!
        a whole all spice bud,
some nutmeg, but more in the mash,
etc. yadda yadda yo...
         at a time when
humanity is achieving its "supposed"
goal...
               becoming more and more
introverted,
          and less heroic / dumb
extroverted...
           where all that requires
discovery, adventure,
orientates itself around some *******
fetish / fantasy originating
on the moon...
                          big dreamer back
down... well... not exactly...
                   who are these outliers,
not the really intelligent people,
not the really stunted people,
i mean: this... "fizzle",
   this "in-between"...
             the buddhist middle "rank"?
the average?
                      autism, solipsism,
soliloquy, theism, atheism,
and just some plain out of sight
*******...
                     angry?
n'ah...
             i'm standing in the breadth
of time,
with some snarky ******* telling me
to either climb up a tree,
or join the ******* savannah herd...
             darwinism is such
a ******* ****-joy when it comes
to your allowance of using language
as a means of "escape"...
          as if everyone keeps
  "forgetting"...
the cosmological argument, for god,
the ontological argument, for god,
and the...
                        the free will of the other,
for no god...
              oh... wait... 'ere comes
the straight-jacket...
            the argument of free will,
and whether not or whether,
  "we" have it...
                           welcome to the loony
bin, i'm matthew,
                      conrad to some,
i hope you're welcome,
we try to respect those with
extrovert layers of despair,
i'll be your moderator,
   we only have one
       prospect of occupying
this here space,
notably within the confines
of the suggestion:
             let's find the bottom
                      of this pit;
and if we don't?
          hell...
           preserving the experience,
that's as much as life
will ever allow, democratically,
democratically, counter darwinism.