He spent more than six years avoiding it flawlessly, about the same time he had given up cigarettes. For the most part, he did it for his son. His father had been a good influence and he was determined to be the same. Single, happy, just father and son. They couldn't be any closer. The mother left, to no fault of her own, because the guy that stole her away, her words, "he was just really good at talking... like a car sells men..."... Which was bs... he know she thought he was some big time **** on his way to big time money... It didn't work out that way, they both ended up at her grans' house. That was 8 years ago, and she's on welfare with baby number four on the way from mystery daddy number four. She was nothing more than a manipulater, she had sunk her claws into his broken heart, played him like the devil playing a fiddle, got what she wanted and tossed him aside. Daddy number three had mysteriously killed himself... but that's all off track of this tale.
You see, he wanted his son to grow into and be a better person than he had. To have better and more choices as he headed out into the world on his own. He wanted him to be smart, he had to be smart. When it was time for this dad to pass onto the great unknown, he knew his son would have to be able to stand up on his own. His boy was not going to be able to lean on his mom, no, more than likely he would have to help her out when he was all grown up. So he started to read to him before he could even crawl, started teaching him to read as soon as he could talk, taught him to count and add and subtract well before he was of school age. And once in school kept at it, teaching him the next grade and two above his school level. Piles of workbooks from bookstores and work sheets he made up himself. Still doing it to this day, his son learning and soaking it all in. Always up to the challenge of something new. The dad always trying to do his best for his boy, not ever sure he was... but always trying.
He wanted to make his son proud, he wanted to be that fatherly symbol of strength. He wanted to raise his son beliving in equality, compassion, kindness, empathy, and mostly love. Always reminding and telling his son, no matter how little we have, we always have enough to share. And that sharing your time with someone was only second to sharing your love with someone. They didn't have a lot, just enough to squeeze past... your basic pay check to pay check family of todays modern world. Still, enough, he wouldn't work over-time when his son was with him. He could make more money if he needed whenever his boy was with mom. No amount of money was enough to pass up a day with his boy, telling his son, I can always make more money but once a day is gone we can never get it back.
Yea... he wanted so badly to be a good role model.
So he avoided dating... avoided anything and anyone that might make him even think or feel like he had any risk of falling in love. He knew he didn't handle heartache well.... and he didn't want his son to see him walk around with a broken heart. Didn't want his son to see him walk around depressed and wallowing around in self pity. So he avoided it... quite well, for over six years.
Then one day... never mind the circumstances and the how... he started talking to a stranger on the other end of the world. Just harmless little messages sent back and forth, forth and back... It never should have led him to anything beyond a few friendly words on a screen... but somehow, someway... his heart was suddenly not his own and his reason had taken leave of his senses. He fell so fast for her, without even knowing until it was too late to stop it from happening. He knew it couldn't end well but he couldn't stop smiling about her, or thinking about her... every message he fell deeeper into this abyss of madness and love. All he could do was watch it unfold and pray when it came crashing down, pray for a quick death. And that's where he is now... praying for love and a quick death.
The mostly true story of the idiot living inside my heart....
