I’ll be there with two or three people.
I need one of those.
I’m gonna go show it who's boss.
Tell me you aren’t using that.
It's just been that kind of day.
Send me pictures.
There's knowing you, then there's knowing you.
I know where it is.
I was close!
That was dangerously close.
Prepare for criticism.
Oh, really? wow.
I’m sad.
You're right, I don’t like it.
Was I supposed to learn anything?

She smiles
weird ******' smile
hers is bigger than mine
she's the hamburglar
I’m not joking, she's really weird
that's the *** calling the kettle black
I don't look like the hamburglar
Weird faces with her mouth,
and they were like, 'stop making those faces, you're freaking me out'.
don't make me ***

Aren't you glad you have family?
Well, that was a stupid question.

I’m all covered in chocolate
it's kinda like being in the freaky show
Isn't that a great place to be?
Well, I don't care about the signs.
Have you seen the cow take a photo?
Yeah, milk was like $8.
Sweet mother of God.
Things have definitely changed.

Sorry girls.
They're gonna fall off if I flick 'em.
will you pay me $500?
I remember when you used to say that about me.

Don't make me go.
He ended up with the hamburglar.
****** hamburglar.

So I've been thinking lately

What if
he's on a journey out to find himself
reading Hemingway and Emerson (his namesake) and roughing it at Walden Pond
smoking foreign cigars
and staring deep into coffee
to decipher the meaning of the swirls of smoke
that rise from it in the morning?
What if
he's asking ChaCha! the meaning of life
or trying out a new brand of shampoo
or attempting to set a high score on Tetris
or out burning down bridges just to see them ablaze
or doing volunteer work,
reading to disabled children at the local library?
What if
he's decided that this is all too much,
that he'd prefer to live in anonymity
trading his celebrity for secretarial work or carrot-harvesting
or breeding exotic fish
or renting out those inflatable jumping-castles?
What if
he's tired of all those books in Technicolor
all the paparazzi out to get him
and commercialize his favorite beanie
just because he's on vacation because he pulled some strings at the office
thus catapulting him into some movie set halfway across the world?
What if he's sick and tired of them hunting down his girlfriend
his dog
that random wizard mentor guy that's a deadringer for Dumbledore?
What if he would rather sit at home and watch the Game Show Network
and change his name to something boring like John instead of living up to a thinker's expectations?
Or maybe just the opposite, he's just watching Family Feud to pass the time because he WANTS to be a thinker
but doesn't know how?
Or maybe Family Feud just makes him lonely because he doesn't have a real family,
just that evil guy with funny glasses and ****** hair and an awful Hamburglar taste in clothes?
What if he's decided he's on the wrong path
and needs to turn his life around?

What if Waldo doesn't want to be found?

I feel like Hamburglar,
I went to the Burger Bar
of gifts, like you did, hah hah!
Yes, there's a Burger Bar of life,
Who does get one with the lot? No strife,
We all have gifts, I guess,
A burger bar for life, no less!