When I was 12

I cut for the frist time I used this little
sharp thing that came in this manicure set
I don't know why I did it but I can remember
my hand hanging over the bathroom sink little drips of blood falling from me I staired in to space I can still feel that dead feeling
Latter that year I cut in front of my friend I did not think she was looking, she **** my hand and " oh my god, dude did you just make that happen?" I should be I shamed I would be now, but then I think I may have been proud, it got worst I cut everyday
mostly my hands. One day my older brother
asked what happen to my hands I said his cat had scratch me
a really bad lie cuz rocko would never hurt a fly,
and he new cuz he told my mom right there and then
Ma, I think she's cuting herself, I was so panic that I don't even remember what she said, but I did not stop
mouths later I think it was in Jan of 2001
I was at my sisters house and I must have had a scrach or scar showing
I reamber what she said, my hand are shaking tyeping it,
"Why are you cutting you're self little *******!, you know that bring the devil he likes that!, little did I know those would be that last words she ever said to me cuz she died in feb that same year
and know it's crazy but part of me will allways blame me and my cutting,
and i still think of her when I cut, I don't have to tell you that did not stop me,

whene I was 13

I don't think I cut much wich is do odd cuz it was the worst time in my life, insted I dressed like a ****, got drunk, talk back to my famliy and messed aroung with grown up guys,  and started writeing poetry
but I never cut.

Whene I was 14

god that was I really bad bad time I'm pretty shore I was crazy
I was convosed about my sexuality and gender,
i shaved my head started dressing as crazy as possibal maybe get ppl to look at me, maybe to scare them away I don't know.
but I cut, I cut I LOT! I can remember locking myself in the basement with my KORN and SLIPKNOT CDs turned up so load no one can hear my cry, I craved an anarcy symble in my lag, and fell asleep on the liveing room couch, my mom saw it and freaked out, she asked me if I was crazy?, gay?, if it hurt?, all I did was turn over and go back to sleep.

When I was 15

everyone just knew I was crazy, I cut be with the head to toe black
dog colers and books on the cruch of Satan no one really nodest, but I knew, it was takeing over my life, I had so meny cut on my arms that
ther was not a part of my skin that was not scabed red or swollen
but I did not stop.

When I was 16

I lot of things about me chanched at 16
but it was hard to say what they where
i remember one day I staired in the mirror so long
I could not stand mr face and more I was enraged
I was allwas sad, but now it was anger I did not want to see
any part of me or my life any more a hated it all so much
I tryed to blind me self, with narr hair remover, I put in to my eyes
it was the worst pain I ever felth, and when everything started to look gray I was scard and for the frist time sents my sisters death
I prayed to god not elfs or the vampire ruler
but god, and it stop the bruning the grayness stoped
and from that the I never said I did not believe in god, you can call me crazy, but I think I should'ev been blind.
but I never stoped cutting,
just mouths layer in the summer I can remember
being dressed like a latex dominatress, I craved the word nothing in my hand that word ment a lot to me it was my seventh name
I never thoght anyone nodest but when I came home one day
2 of my 3 brothers and my mom where waiting like an intervention
they asked me why?, what does it mean?, my father asked if I " really worship the devil?" I just said I do it cuz I'm crazy and never said anouther word,  but I did not stop cutting.

When I was 17

my life was sleep cutting and poetry and nothing more,
I lived in razor blades and notbooks, I can remember one day I had 2 cuts on my arm my uper arm, but I must have forgot cuz I did not
where a swater to the dinner table, my brother the same brother
that nodest when I was 12 got up in a rage and went in to the ketchen with my mom and was yelling at her " did you see the cuts?, did you see thies ******* cuts, he did not think I heard no one did but that mead my cry so hard, I'm and will allways protective of my mom, I hated that she was getting yelled at for something I did, but than she starting blameing everyone but me, I craved a heart in to my hand and she went if in my neice say "did you see her do this?"
now my cuting was everyone pain
but I did not stop

when I was 18

I did not cut as much but whene I did it was bad
I used broken glass it was my favoret, and I cut placeing
that never showed, when I  was dressed,
and I looked normle just like anyone els
nothing dark of freaky about me but if you saw me
naked I was a masacare
and I did not stop.

When I was 19

I had a hole deffrent feeling like nothing I did
was good enough, I'm not like everyone els my
age, I allwas had this thing where when ever u was outside
and someone laughed I thought it was about me
if they looked at me it was cuz I'm ugly
or just a freak, at this time it was worst
cuz I realize not much has chanched in my life.
I got my shoulder once I was one my computer
and my dad asked what happend I said I got cut when I was
moving things in my room all he said oh I thought
you where doing something weird, talk about being the last to know.

When I was 20

I only cut twice that year, And my mom seemed to think about it more that me but in a defforent way "what are you gunna do with those scars?"
shed allways say, still does no mans gonna wanna marry someone with
unexplainable scars on her body, I allways found that shallow
and cold but I did not completly stop cuting.

When I was 21

I had an inter deffrent soul or at lest a new mask
in lost wight, trund blond, for the longest time replaced
poetry with make up, try to perfect most ppl thought I was
even me, I was bublelie that girl who laughed really loud
with butterflys in my bedroom and boys on my cell phone
mirrors and make up, it kinda the new obession cuz I can feel it taken over, and no one knows it  they will never guess it
but I did not stop cuting

now i'm 22 years olds

sometimes I feel so fake I wanna scream,
I don't reconize me anymore, but I never like me anyway
I can't understand how I can want those feeling back?
I mead so long, how can I just stop?
Cuting is part of me, as much as I want it gone
then why did cry so much, more then the blood
why do I feel so worthless saying
I did not stop cutting...

I've searched and searched never finding it
Famliy and friends said  i was good
But it means  oh so much more to hear it from a stranger
I've removed the vail and  spread my wings

I've tryed to seattle at alittle place they call myspace
Found it to be dull and most were jaded
I tryed to to show my face on facebook
but they were busy stairing in the mirror

i searched for a new home not find one that  fit my likeing
untill now
I've found a place to share my most personal  form exsression
Hello poetry  fells oh so right

You are always there for everyone else, you sit back in the shadows to make sure that they dont fall,
You love with all your heart and you never give up on your famliy, no matter how much tyhey mess up,
You make sure they have what they want, what they need, yet you will do without what you need as long as they are happy, but its time that you come out of the shadows and finnaly get what you deserve.
All the love and respect that should come with your great gift should not just be shown on a certain day or a certain time of the year.

The only time that people show they care is when they want something from you, when they thing they are in trouble or when they are trying to cover up what they did wrong.
Most of them know you care yet do nothing for you, while some try there hardest to make you happy yet still find ways to disappoint you, to hurt you, and to make you feel unwanted.
You know they love you but sometimes you wonder if they love you just for what they think you have or what you give them, or even if they really love you at all.
Sometimes they will say it but not mean it and other times they mean it but dont say it.
They are your family who you would give anything for, but you are the one that matters all the time.

No matter how hard or not you try they will always love you and so therefore even though they may use you or even act like they dont care about you at all they really do love you and all they do for them.
This time you deserve more then they can ever give you and nothing they do will ever be enough.
They will try to make things up to you but they can never measure up to what a great person you are or the things you have done.

NO one will ever compare to you, and NO one will ever take you away.
You are always there for them and they will always be there for you no matter how old they get or how much you think they don't want you around, and also they will never forget what you have done and will do for them, even if they seem unappreciative, they will make it up to you in time.
THEY LOVE YOU VERY MUCH AND NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU UPSET.

Famliy
We may not have all together,
But together we have it all .
~Myriah P.Y. ~

I sit here, poor ol' lonely me,
and fear the grip of senility.
My joints all ache - i can barely see.
Everything's worn out on me.

My family's busy and pays no mind.
So often their words aren't too kind.
To their slights they think I'm blind,
as if I have no heart or mind.

Lord to you I turn and humbly pray
for the strength to face this day.
My faltering steps lead in Your way.
Please show me what to do and say.

Help me see your loving care,
and of others needs be aware.
Help me be ready their burdens to bear,
as Your salvation I gladly share.

I'll hang in here one more day,
as these old bones creak and sway.
Perhaps my famliy will come and see
- poor ol' lonely me.

©1979 Michael S. Davis