Remember that day of the phony "Mission Accomplished"
day, when thinking people viewed him in that jump suit with that extra crouch stuffing, and when your face turned
so red you felt liking ducking under anything available?
Well, here comes my writings about it, READY?...be brave...
be very brave...

You strutted on Lincoln steel;
not knowing what lay behind that thin-lipped-corporate-gah-gah-smile

Offshore a fool's victory you did declare
A vulture's feast you ushered in
as many sulfur dances engulfed both air and skin

What rooster pride you strutted on Lincoln steel,
while bulbs exploded in heated flare

How I remember you took that flight,
with a pseudo-manly-stuffed-buldge you said, "I 'm all right!"

In nightmares I see your faking smiling grin, as houses crashed
and innocent died, as flames created a reddened sky

Halloween-cowboy, flyboy-suit, a monster lurked on Lincoln
steel
And so, bulbs exploded in heated flare to land upon a nothing stare, to land upon a nothing stare,
to land...upon...a...nothing...stare

When I
Think of you
My
Heart swells to a size
Larger than
The average man's fist
You'll **** me at a young age
You disease!
These pills
Are poor medicine
To me
Finish me!

No...
Long ****

You slowly peel
Off my life
Like
Pages of a calender
How long will it last!
I hope this is my last summer
I cant take it
I cant make it
I cant break this habit
I'm an addict
I panic at interventions
And take it way too personal

"What!!?
You want to take
My precious pain away!!?"

Never!
I'll indulge
Until this buldge in my heart burst
I'll die a thousand times
Just to relive the feeling
Your poisin
Is killing me gently
And I love it
You hate me
But I know
You only hate because
You love me
I'm not kRazy,
I'm obsessed!

An i'm upset
You'd mistake
The final breath
I'll take
Would be for the sake
Of attention

No!
It's simply for the pleasure of pain
From the object
Of my affection

Take a glance
I bet that view from the front
Makes you think
Oh **** she's cute
Curves and short
What cute little thing
Take a glance
But this time from the side
What do you see
I am no longer cute and small
This lower buldge of belly
Changes your view on me
You see the rolls
That Fat pushes out
From the waist below
My tummy can't compare
It's like it's hardly there
Now go back
Turn around
Take that glance from the front
Stomach not much
And below the waist not bad
Titts so big
Curves so nice
You'd think **** she's nice
Then you get that glance
From the side
You see my waist below
Hangs low & pushes out
Your views are no more
You're unsure what to think
Now imagine that
Imagine how I feel
Glancing in the mirror
Front view I look great
I should pull some guys
I turn to the side
And I'm put down
Negative words fill my head
There's no way
There's no how
This hanging fat, pushed far out
Has me hating myself
Giving me doubts
There's two views to me
One is great
The other isn't so
It hurts so much
To have let myself down
This lower buldge
Won't go away
If only I could stay
Being face forward
So no one could see
Just how big small I am

I used to end all my prose in exclamations.

When I was a kid,
I would clench my fists
And tighten my jaw so hard,
the veins in my neck would buldge And sore by morning.
If I could close my eyes tight enough,
I could pretend I didn't hear the screams from down the hallway.

I don't want to end my prose in exclamations.
I want sprinkles of rain on my nose,
Not hail.
I want to lay in a field of grass and never once check my watch
And while were making requests,
I want to breathe in pine and lilacs,
I want to recall but not remember the bruises on my back.

I am soaking my scars in lavender tonight
up past midnight working
everyone is drinking still
a few hours to ****
but my drinks have all been spilled
insides poured out
right side out
somewhat proud
not to be a drunk any more

a few times lately
I want to wake up
but then there I find myself
smoking a cigarette
drinking a cup of coffee

I start thinking about my dreams
but get stuck turning them into daydreams
again feeling filthy as I take another drag
long for another one
wish I didn't after I did
and still go back for more
throat sore from the quiet screaming
it's honestly become demeaning

before I reach for a hit
memories that don't fit
get stuck inside me until it's lit
then I'm stuck as I sit
hit after hit after hit
in my new home
the one I worked for (this time)
the one that's mine (this time)
the one that can't be taken away
as it ticks away, steady beating
not so broken, this time...

this time has got me pressing
moving quick with no hopes of slowing down
I can't stop growing now
this lavender has got me flowing now
showing me how wounds need healing
even after the burn stops hurting,
begins bubbling and starts scaring and peeling
I wrap myself up
tighter and tighter
until the voice within me is screaming
begging me to breathe

I am begging myself to breathe
crying and I heave, heave **!
take me to the Sea
let me plunge
let's get deep
down to the wreckage
where your eyes pop
and your eyes buldge
as the gold litters the ocean floor
mesmirizing how it
glitters and glimmers
you shimmer as I shiver at the sight
of these forgotten treasures
glowing out into the endless darkness
the light of a lifetime illuminates all I thought I left behind
things are not so difficult to look at in this new light
so I remain grateful for what remains of my pain
as the pain is only a phantom of which once broke me down
no longer anchored down by the haunting
of not feeling as though my heart was my own
I see the beauty within what's left
and I won't let it go to waste

so give me time
(this time)